


Underneath

by Yanyangire



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Brendol Hux's A+ Parenting, Eating Disorders, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Hux is an Insecure Mess, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Not Canon Compliant - Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Past Child Abuse, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Protective Kylo Ren, Recovery, Substance Abuse, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, body image issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2019-09-05 06:09:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 59,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16804996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yanyangire/pseuds/Yanyangire
Summary: When Ren makes a comment about him putting weight on, Hux doesn't take it too kindly, feeling both angry and disbelieving. With Ren away on the mission and left by himself, things slowly things start to spiral for Hux as he starts to fixate on his weight  all the while trying to come to terms with just how much Ren's words are affecting him.





	1. Chapter 1

Pinned down under the heavy weight of Kylo Ren, his fingers tightly gripping the sheets beneath him, Hux let out a loud pleasured moan as he came.

Usually he showed more restraint than this, not allowing himself to be quite so vocal when engaging in activities such as this, but Ren had been away from the Finalizer on some mission for the Supreme Leader for almost a month and a half now and this was the first time they had gotten a chance to fuck since Ren had returned; which admittedly had only been a few hours ago. 

It wasn’t as if he was so pathetically weak-willed that he couldn’t cope without being touched intimately by another person for that length; stars, he had gone years at a time with little to no sexual contact from anyone. It was just…well, Hux supposed he had gotten used to his and Ren’s little arrangement. And as was the case of having a stiff drink after a particularly hectic or taxing shift, their liaisons functioned as a sort of stress relief for him, with this just so happening to be the longest time Ren had been absent since they had started fucking on a semi-regular basis.

He heard Ren chuckle and glancing upwards he saw the ridiculously smug look plastered on the knight’s face. Whether this was because of how loud Hux had just been or because he had come first, Hux was unsure. Regardless of the reason, he glowered at him, his face reddening in embarrassment.

Ren, meanwhile, ignored him, continuing to thrust into Hux until eventually he too came; which Hux was quick to note wasn’t all that long after himself.

He would concede that Ren hadn’t been as loud as him however…

Ren pulled out of him – Hux wincing slightly as he did so – and flopped down on to his back. Breathing heavily, Ren closed his eyes. Hux thought Ren looked completely spent, the man usually far more robust than this his current state.

“Oh my. Tired already, are we?” Hux lightly sneered, happy to have something to tease him about. Ren had far greater stamina than Hux, something he liked to on occasion lord over him.

Opening his eyes, now it was Ren’s turn to glare at him. “Shut up,” Ren growled, “I’ve spent the past month and a half tracking down various individuals all over the Outer Rim. I haven’t slept properly in weeks. Forgive me if I’m a little fatigued.”

“Is that so? And were you able to complete your mission and _track_ all these _v_ arious individuals?” Hux asked, rather sure that by ‘tracking’, what he really meant was hunting down and slaughtering them under the orders of the Supreme Leader.

Ren snorted at his question. “Of course I did. I wouldn’t have returned if I hadn’t.”

“I suppose that’s true,” Hux replied. Ren wouldn’t dare risk coming back and incurring Snoke’s wrath for failing, especially not after the whole debacle with that wretched scavenger girl.

Hux was happy enough to remain silent and bask in the afterglow of their liaison but nevertheless he couldn’t help but ask Ren, all the while trying to mask the curiosity in his voice, “Now that your mission is complete, how long will you be remaining on the Finalizer?”

Although he still wasn’t particularly thrilled at having a co-commander to contend with – Hux certainly hadn’t fought tooth and nail to rise through the ranks to that of a general at the age of thirty-four just to share command with someone who wasn’t even part of the formal First Order military structure – he had gradually gotten used to the arrangement. He wondered if this was perhaps because when it came to the ship itself, Ren more or less left the actual running of the Finalizer to Hux.

Additionally, Ren’s presence provided certain benefits and again stress relief, such as the kind they had just been engaging in.

“The Supreme Leader has another urgent mission for me. I leave first thing tomorrow,” Ren answered.

“Ah. I see,” Hux replied, immediately shoving down the peculiar stab of disappointment he felt upon hearing Ren’s answer.

“I shouldn’t be gone for quite as long this mission, however,” Ren told him as if he was trying to reassure him.

Hux shrugged with one shoulder and settled down on the mattress, lying on his back. “It makes no real difference to me. The longer you’re away, the better, I’d say. Far less equipment gets destroyed when you’re not around.”

Ren rolled over onto his side, propping his head up under his elbow as he glanced over at him. “Hmm. You say me being away doesn’t make a difference, but I’m rather sure that I detected a hint of eagerness in your voice when you hailed my command shuttle earlier upon my return,” Ren teased.

Hux scoffed. “You must be far more exhausted than I originally thought if you actually believe such a ludicrous thing. That or you’ve contracted some kind of illness in the Outer Rim that has severely impaired your cognitive functioning.”

“Come now General. I’m sure you thought about me quite a bit while I was away,” said Ren, ignoring his comments as he pressed his face against Hux’s neck.

“I assure you, I did not,” Hux retorted, struggling to repress a shudder as Ren’s large hands began to trail down his body.

“At the very least, you missed me being here like this, naked in your bed.”

Hux couldn’t really refute this. He supposed in the off-chance Ren really had detected any anticipation in his voice when he had announced his return to the Finalizer it would be because of this. Nevertheless, Hux highly doubted that he had sounded that way, it being far more likely that Ren was deluding himself; something that was not at all that uncommon with the knight.

“Were you lonely without me?” Ren asked. Hux didn’t reply, his eyes closed as Ren’s hands continued moving down his body. Hux was already feeling himself starting to grow hard again – this time thankfully managing to repress a moan – and very much hoped that Ren’s hands would make their way to his cock.

Much to his dismay however, Ren paused at his stomach, his hand pressed against it before he pulled away.

Hux frowned at the abrupt loss of contact. Opening his eyes, he was ready to scold Ren – he couldn’t just touch him like this and then suddenly stop! – when he noted the oddly inquisitive expression on the man’s face.

“What? What’s the matter?” Hux asked, his frown deepening, feeling unusually self-conscious.

Rather than answer his question however, Ren leaned over him. The man had a deep look of concentration on his face, and for a brief moment, Hux thought Ren was perhaps going to bend down and kiss him – which really, Hux wouldn’t object to – but instead he reached over, and of all the things, gave his stomach a small pinch.

Hux let out a small indignant yelp at the sensation. “What in the hells do you think you’re doing!?” he demanded at the unexpected act, edging away from him.

Ren remained hovering above him, a large grin breaking out on his face as he gazed down at him. “You’ve put on some weight, General.”

Hux stared back at him incredulously. “I beg your pardon?”

And with that, Ren reached down, giving his stomach another small squeeze.

“Ren!” cried Hux, this time furiously swatting Ren’s hand away, his face a bright red.

Ren’s smile meanwhile, simply widened. “Yes, I was right. You definitely have.”

Hux was aghast at such a ridiculous allegation. “I assure you, I have not!”

Ren laughed. “So you claim, but you feel softer. Before I would have been lucky to be able to get even a small pinch of skin between my fingers when I touched your stomach. Now, however…”

Ren made as if to reach out for him – whether to nip him again or not, he wasn’t sure – but Hux glowered at him warningly, making Ren pull his hands back. At this, Hux thought Ren looked almost disappointed.

“Once again, I guarantee you, I have _not_. I am the same weight as I have always been since reaching adulthood.”

Hux hadn’t weighed himself in sometime, not since the First Order personnale records were being updated. Nevertheless, he was positive that he hadn’t gained any. And he most certainly had not gotten softer either!

“If you say so,” Ren replied, now with an unreadable expression on his face; something which was slightly jarring to Hux given that Ren with his constant outbursts was always easy to decipher.

Hux opened his mouth to protest further when he suddenly felt the bed shift next him and looking over he saw Ren stand up.

“You’re leaving?” Hux asked after a minute or so as Ren began to pull on his clothes that were spread untidily across Hux’s bedroom’s floor.

Surely, he wasn’t annoyed at him? Hells, Ren was the one who had insulted him after all. If anyone had a right to be angry, it was him!

“I acquire some items from my quarters before I set out on my next mission,” Ren answered as he secured his cloak around his neck. “I thought I’d try to grab a few hours of sleep while I was there as well if possible.”

‘Ah, so you just popped by here for a quick and convenient fuck then?’ Hux found himself thinking bitterly before quickly reminding himself that this was precisely what their relationship – or arrangement as was far more apt a description – was based upon; convenient sex. At least that was how it had been until recently. As such, Hux adamantly tried to ignore the part of himself that had hoped that Ren might spend the night as he occasionally did when he was aboard the ship and neither of them had any overly pressing matters that required attending to.

Hux remained silent as Ren had finished getting ready, and now dressed, he stood over Hux’s bed, his helmet held under his arm. To Hux he appeared oddly uncomfortable.

“I’ll be going now then,” announced Ren, “Again, this particular mission shouldn’t be as long as the last so I’ll be returning soon.”

“So you said,” replied Hux, hoping his voice projected disinterest.

Ren, meanwhile, remained rooted to the spot as if he expected him to say something more. This alone made Hux’s blood boil.

“Well, are you leaving or not? You’re not the only one who requires sleep for the coming cycle,” Hux spat, rolling over on to his side, the bedsheets tightly held between his fingers as pulled them up to his face, covering him as if to further hammer home that he wanted Ren to leave.

Through his half-opened eyes, Hux saw Ren scowl before putting on his helmet. “Yes, I’m leaving,” he said, his voice sounding far deeper thanks to his mask’s vocoder. “Take care of yourself, General. I’m…”

Ren trailed off and Hux snorted loudly. “As if I require you to tell me such a thing. Now leave already!”

“Fine!” Ren barked in return. And with that, the other man turned and left, the door to Hux’s quarters swooshing behind him as he exited.

“Lower the lights to zero percent,” Hux commanded angrily, the room immediately falling into darkness.

Sighing, he rolled over onto his other side and without realising it, his hand unconsciously moved down towards his stomach as he tried to ignore both his anger and disappointment.

Trust Ren to ruin a what should have been a perfectly pleasant evening.

Morning came and as Hux was getting ready for his shift, much to his dismay, he discovered that his annoyance from the previous evening hadn’t dissipated in the slightest. If anything it had only worsened, no doubt in part to the fact that he had laid awake stewing on Ren’s words about his supposed weight gain for what had felt like hours.

Hux gritted his teeth. Of course Ren would show up after being gone for a month, fuck him, ridicule him and then bugger off without so much as an apology. Not that Hux thought Ren was even capable of apologising. He probably had never felt the need to do so in his entire life, entitled as he was; both now as the Supreme Leader’s apprentice, as well as in the past, what with him being the son of supposed ‘war-heroes’ of the rebellion in addition to his mother having once been royalty of the now destroyed Alderaan.

As Hux finished buttoning up his tunic, his datapad pinged with a new notification from the bridge. The contents of the message revealed that Lord Ren had just departed the Finalizer. However, the parameters regarding Ren’s mission, as was in most cases with the knight, was marked as classified.

Glaring down at the datapad, Hux resisted the urge to throw the damned thing against the wall. Thankfully, unlike Ren, Hux was more than capable of showing restrain, setting it down on the table in front of him instead.

Sighing out loud, Hux berated himself, unable to help but feel somewhat ashamed for allowing Ren to get him so worked up. There was also the disappointment he had experienced after Ren had chosen not to spend the night with him. But alas, a mission was a mission and Ren, as a good solider – or rather knight, in his case – knew that he needed to take the proper time to prepare for whatever assignment he was being tasked with. Hux couldn’t get mad at him for that, fully aware that he himself would be the first person to sternly reprimand one of his subordinates if he discovered that they had been putting their personal affairs above their positions and duties within the Order.

Hux supposed that much to his eternal embarrassment – although, thankfully no one else needed know – what truly bothered him the most had been Ren’s ridiculous comment about his weight. Not to mention that he had pinched his stomach not once but _twice_ , all the while wearing that stupidly smug expression upon his face.

Hux was absolutely positive that he had not gained any weight. And if he really had, surely, he would have noticed it what with it being his own body and all? As such, Hux was determined to put the matter, along with anything else related to Kylo Ren in general, out of his mind completely. Plus, who knew when the next time he saw Ren would actually be. Ren had told him he wouldn’t be gone for as long as he had been his previous mission, but considering that it was Ren saying it, that didn’t count for much.

Hux, however, was frustrated to learn that his resolve regarding the subject wasn’t quite as strong as he had initially assumed, as despite being fully dressed and ready to head off and begin his designated shift, he suddenly found himself standing both hesitantly and awkwardly in front of the mirror in his refresher.

Truth be told, Hux wasn’t particularly fond of looking at himself in the mirror. It was of course required to check his reflection to ensure that he had properly applied the pomade to his hair, as well as making sure that his uniform was suitably crisp and unwrinkled before beginning his shifts, the First Order not tolerating sloppy and unkempt appearances regardless of which rank someone held. After all, they weren’t those disgusting and disorganised unwashed heathens who called themselves the ‘Resistance’.

Overall, when it came to visage, it was of his opinion that anything more than a customary glance and quick once over to ensure that one’s appearance was satisfactory bordered on vanity; something which again definitely did not go hand-in-hand with First Order principals.

Hux had many attributes that he took great pride in – his intellect, cunning and ambition in particular – but as it was, his physical appearance didn’t happen to be one of them.

He had always been on the thin side. Small as well for that matter, at least until he had had experienced a sudden growth spur at the age of eleven. But until that point, Hux had constantly appeared far slighter and weaker than the children around him.

Admittedly, one reason for this was that many of the children he had been surrounded by were being trained to become brutal and ruthless killing machines who would obey any order given to them by their commanding officer without question. Hux, on the other hand, had been groomed for a position of far greater importance, one in which he would serve the Empire – or rather what was to eventually be reinvented and become known as the First Order – as a high ranking military official; someone who would lead it to victory and achieve stability across the universe. This alone was evident by the fact that at the tender and young age of five, the then de-facto leader of the Empire, Gallius Rax, had placed these savage children who could have killed him with relative ease, under his very command. As such, he had undergone a very different sort of training from these children, and gaps in intellect – superior in his case – and physical prowess were only to be expected. Not that his father had ever viewed it that way of course; constantly berating him, arguing that even if you were to compare him to even the most feeble and sickeningly spoiled children of the Republic, that he would still always be soft and weak; an embarrassment to both the remnants of the Empire and the newly formed First Order. 

Now however, instead of being small and thin, Hux was tall and gangly. Thankfully his uniform hid this fact rather well. Padding it seemed did wonders, his greatcoat in particular making him seem larger than he actually was, as well as more imposing, which in the position of a General, or really in any position of higher command, was a strong requirement.

Of course, nothing Hux wore could ever possibly bring him close to even matching Kylo Ren’s intimidating physique.

Interestingly enough, when it came to size, Ren had the opposite issue to him. Although, perhaps not really so much a problem for Ren given that he was feared by most the minute they laid eyes on him. And so, while Hux’s uniform made him seem bigger, Ren’s outfit actually made him appear slighter. Of course, unlike himself, Hux doubted that Ren really cared all that much about how others viewed him; except perhaps when it came to that ridiculous mask of his, something of which he seemed to take the almost care of. To Ren it seemed almost just an important symbol as that ridiculous light saber he wielded.

Upon reflection, Hux couldn’t help but recall how he had been so completely taken aback by how muscular Ren’s body truly was the first time he had seen the man naked. While he had always been aware that Ren was incredibly strong and was likely to have a body to match such strength, even Hux’s wildest fantasies couldn’t have prepared him for how physically powerful and large Kylo Ren really was underneath his striking attire. As such, Hux had been rendered somewhat speechless much to Ren’s amusement as he had gazed fixatedly at his expansive chest and the impressive muscles on his arms.

Nevertheless, as fantastic and amazing to look at as Ren’s body was, it had the unpleasant side effect of causing Hux’s self-consciousness regarding his own to sky-rocket to immense heights. Hux tended not to pay much attention to such details at the best of times, but when it came right down to it, there was absolutely no way he could possibly compare to Ren, even if their skills and talents lay in very different areas.

To Hux’s immense relief however, Ren hadn’t pushed him away once Hux had finally regained enough composure to remove his own clothes. Neither had Ren looked upon him with disgust or laughed in face. Instead Ren had wrapped his arms around his lithe frame and manoeuvred them towards Hux’s bed were Ren had proceeded to fuck him; and surprisingly tenderly at that.

Hux recalled that neither of them had lasted very long that first time. Whether it had been that long since either of them had had a good fuck or if it was it finally being with each other, Hux was unsure. At the time, it hadn’t been something he had chosen to dwell upon, instead simply relishing in the aftermath.

“So small, General, aren’t you?” Ren had teased him after that first fuck, running his hand leisurely down Hux’s side as they laid next to each other in bed. Hux was positive that he would have punched Ren in the face if he hadn’t been feeling so wonderfully contented and sated at the time– it had been a rather long time since he had last been touched in such an intimate manner after all. Hux supposed that he had also still been in a slight state of awe that Ren hadn’t immediately changed his mind and shoved him away after finally getting a glance of him out of his uniform. As such, he had let the comment slide. 

As they continued their liaisons, Hux had gradually come to let go of those pathetically self-conscious worries concerning his body that were of course in no way befitting a man of his rank. And yet, now here he was standing in front of his refresher mirror, those ridiculous concerns he thought he had overcome, newly resurfaced.

Somewhat warily, Hux lifted up his tunic, revealing the pale skin – another physical attribute that he wasn’t particularly fond of in himself – beneath it.

Hux cursed himself, feeling ridiculous before tentatively reaching downwards and poking at his stomach. Was it really all that much softer than usual? Despite being thin overall, his body wasn’t exactly toned; at least not well defined in the manner that Ren’s was; Ren whose physique looked like it could have been sculped by some divine entity itself if Hux actually believed in such nonsense.

Hux shook his head. He didn’t have time to think about such things, but nevertheless, he used his thumb and index finger, to lightly pinch the skin of his stomach at the same spot where Ren had done the evening before. Not really expecting to be able to, much to his horror, Hux found that he was able to grasp a hold of the skin there without any considerable difficulty.

He squeezed down on the skin trapped between his fingers, wincing slightly at the faint pain it caused him. While he hardly made a habit of reaching down and nipping at his own flesh, Hux was certain that he had never been able to clasp hold of that much skin between his fingertips.

Still pinching himself, Hux ‘s moved his other hand to his stomach where he placed his palm on top of it. Maybe it did feel a little bit softer after all…

Letting go, he then moved it down to his belt where he proceeded somewhat awkwardly to unbuckle it. Once free, he felt an instant looseness at his waist, and it was at this that Hux started to panic.

Given the padding of his tunic, especially when he had been wearing his greatcoat atop of it, occasionally he experienced a sense of lightness and relief whenever he took it off. He had never however felt the same sensation whenever he removed his belt or his jodhpurs before – although admittedly the design of jodhpurs allowed for plenty of room. But now, after removing his belt which had been attached into the same hole as it always had, he felt as if he could breathe more freely.

Quickly he drew his fingers away from his stomach.

Kriff. It was true then. Ren had been right after all. He really had put on weight! And sadly it didn’t appear to simply be muscle weight either; something of which he would have rather welcomed considering he had spent his entire life being regarded as scrawny. Instead the weight he had gained seemed to be concentrated around the area of his stomach. He thought his hips looked slightly fuller as well, but without closer inspection he couldn’t be sure.

How had he managed to overlook such a thing? To be so damn oblivious to the changes of his own body that he had to have it acknowledged by someone else before becoming aware of it himself. He had always prided himself on his powers of observation when it came to other people. Surely that should have extended to himself as well?

Tempted to remove his clothes completely so he could examine the rest of the body, Hux suddenly remembered that his shift was about to begin, and according to the time, he was due on the command bridge in a little under five minutes.

Cursing loudly, he quickly readjusted his belt and tunic back into place and exited the bathroom. As if he wasn’t already in a completely foul mood, here he was now running late as well.

Given his rank, really Hux could wander onto the bridge whenever he pleased; other than his meetings with the Supreme Leader, his schedule was his own. Additionally none of his officers would ever dare question him about his timekeeping. Nevertheless, Hux could not abide tardiness, especially in himself. And so rushing out of his quarters, he stormed down the hallways passing by and ignoring several of the officers who while looking somewhat frightened, still saluted him, determined once again to put both the matter of his weight gain and Kylo _Kriffing_ Ren for bringing it up in the first place out of his mind completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first Kylux fic and first time writing for Star Wars so thanks for reading!
> 
> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. :)


	2. Chapter 2

Despite Hux’s hurry to get to the command bridge, as things stood, presently there wasn’t all that much that required his attention. Currently the Order was in the middle of brokering deals with several planets who after witnessing the incredible destructive power of Starkiller Base’s superweapon, had reached out directly to the Order itself. Even with Starkiller no longer an overarching threat, they were smart enough to realise the might of and to ally themselves with the First Order much to Hux’s immense satisfaction. Nevertheless, he remained disheartened that he had gotten to fire the superweapon on only one occasion.

As for the Resistance, the Order were still in the process of trying to locate their new base of operations what with them having fled D’Qar. There were other things that needed overseeing along with the overall running of the Finalizer itself, but compared to the build-up to the launch of the superweapon, things were fairly lax.

As such, Hux found himself thinking that it was a pity that Ren wasn’t aboard given that Hux’s schedule was no longer quite as full as it usually was; something of which he highly doubted would remain that way for long. He quickly dismissed the thought however, instead demanding somewhat brusquely for a status update from Thanisson.

The petty officer anxiously gave it to him, although as Hux suspected, there was very little to report. 

It was somewhat frustrating, and with not much to oversee on the bridge itself, Hux chose to retreat to his office where he knew a mountain of paperwork awaited him; most of it consisting of reports relating to the destruction of Starkiller Base summarising the loss of resources and personnel, along with requests for replacement supplies that had been stored there for what was supposed to be future use within the Order.

While the paperwork itself was somewhat tedious, it certainly kept him occupied, and for the most part, Hux was able to focus on the task at hand, his mind only occasionally wandering to Ren and his unwelcome comments about his weight. Really it was only when Mitaka showed up at his office with a cup of caf in his hand that he realised how much time had passed since he had first sat down, his long-drawn shift already three quarters of the way through.

“Sorry to interrupt you, sir. But I thought you might like a some caf,” said Mitaka hesitantly as if he fully expected to be reprimanded for disturbing him. Hux may have done so in other circumstances but as soon as the aroma of the caf hit his nostrils he forgot all about it, instead wondering how in the worlds he had managed to go all day without some.

It was part of his established routine that he would have a cup of caf in his quarters before his shift began after finishing getting dressed and washed, but due to his embarrassing preoccupation that morning in front of the refresher mirror he hadn’t the time.

He fully blamed Ren for it. And it wasn’t as if it were the first time Ren had forced him to have to forgo his post-awakening cup of caf either; the knight often preventing him from leaving bed by wrappig his arms tightly around him, refusing to let go until Hux relented and they had a quick fuck before Hux headed off to his shift.

Sadly today, that wasn’t the case however, Hux, being rather positive that if that had been the cause for his earlier rush, he wouldn’t be in quite such a sour mood.

“Ah, yes, thank you, Lieutenant,” he replied, taking the cup from Mitaka, trying not to sound too grateful. It was only a cup of caf after all. It wasn’t as if Mitaka had just barged into his office with some piece of key information that would help locate the Resistance and wipe them out once and for all.

Regardless, the young Lieutenant practically beamed at his superior’s words. “It’s no problem at all, sir.”

Hux chose only to take a small sip of caf rather than the much larger drink he would have no doubt had taken before placing it down had one of his subordinates not being standing right there in front of him. As such, Hux found himself starting to grow irritated when Mitaka made no move to leave, wanting a moment to indulge in his caf before returning to the paperwork of which there seemed to be no end to in sight.

“Was there something else, Lieutenant?”

“Oh, yes!” cried Mitaka as if being awoken from a stupor. “I, uh, just noticed that you haven’t eaten today since I began my shift… and well, I’m about to go to the cafeteria for my break and wondered if you would perhaps like me to bring you back anything, sir?”

Hux narrowed his eyes. “I’m more than capable of getting my own food, Lieutenant. Know your place,” he replied sharply, not liking one bit that one of his subordinates had noticed his eating habits, let alone had the gall to bring it up to him. 

Mitaka instantly went pale, realising that he had just made a huge mistake. “Yes, of course, sir! I apologise! It was just…You just seemed busy, so I thought I would offer…I didn’t mean to presume –”

Hux sighed, and taking pity on the flustered Lieutenant said, “It’s fine. I am not in need of food at the moment. However, after you return to your shift, another cup of caf would not go amiss.”

Mitaka immediately perked back up. “Yes, sir!”

With that sorted, Mitaka saluted him and left.

The moment he did so, Hux hastily picked back up the cup on his desk and took a huge gulp, not caring how hot the liquid was, instead focusing on how heavenly it tasted. However, as he leant back on his chair, he was suddenly aware of just how stiff his shoulders were thanks to the hours of being hunched over. He winced slightly as he rolled them in a weak attempt to loosen them up. Both ached horribly, and his back seemed to be faring no better.

He frowned, realising that it was yet another thing regarding his own body that he been completely oblivious of until the damage had already been done. Furthermore, his stomach hurt as well, albeit from hunger. He supposed he could have taken Mitaka up on his offer and had him bring him something back from the cafeteria. It wasn’t as if senior officers didn’t regularly send their subordinates out to retrieve them food or drink when they were busy after all – or in many cases, even when they weren’t. Hux, however, rarely did so, believing that such menial tasks were far more suited to droids than ranking military officers whose time could be utilised much more efficiently.

Still, his shift would be over in a couple of hours. He could wait to eat something until then, either going to the officers lounge and grabbing food there or order something to be sent directly to his quarters. Plus, after his discovery that morning, Hux felt that his jodhpurs seemed strangely tighter than usual and almost as a matter of principal he absolutely refused to loosen his belt from its usual position. Regardless of his discomfort, for the moment at least, the caf would more than suffice. And so after quickly finishing his drink, he returned to the work at hand.

Just as he said he would, Mitaka returned to his office not long after with another cup of caf for him. Hux suspected that the lieutenant had even cut his break short to do so, and a small amused part of himself supposed that he should be thankful that he inspired such loyalty in his men, even if it was only in the form of them delivering beverages more quickly.

Hux thanked the younger man as he had done before and again Mitaka practically beamed at him. This time however, Mitaka thankfully didn’t stick around, dismissing himself and promptly returning to his post.

Several more hours passed and as the ache in his shoulders started to worsen, Hux realised that he should probably call it a day already, his shift having already ended quite some time ago. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t used to working longer than was scheduled of course. Still, it would do no good if he exhausted himself doing something menial like paperwork only to later lack energy and concentration if an actual emergency were to occur.

And so with that he got up and went to the bridge, requesting a further status update before finishing for the cycle.

Deciding against going to the officers lounge for food – he couldn’t quite stomach listening to any of the inane babble his subordinates had to offer or them sucking up to him at the moment – he chose instead to return straight to his quarters. Once there, he stripped off his uniform and went into the refresher to take a shower. Not wanting to waste a pain stim on something so trivial as mere muscle aches, he elected to use actual water for once in place of the usual sonic shower he took, hoping that it would help soothe the dull aches in his back and shoulders. Food could wait until afterwards.

The shower itself was revitalizing, reminding Hux of just how pleasant an experience it was to be able to stand under a rushing warm stream of water. Nevertheless, he still favoured the quickness and efficiency of a sonic shower, disliking the thought of wasting water whilst on a star ship. He did however suppose it was acceptable to indulge once in a while, and as such would allow himself this concession.

His mood did sour somewhat as he recalled that the last time he had gotten to enjoy an actual water shower, Ren had been there with him. Although really the only reason he had even been in one in the first place was because of Ren himself; Ren being the entitled, republic bred creature that he was, refusing to use a sonic shower unless it was an absolute necessity.

‘Why should I settle for less?’ had always been Ren’s argument, choosing to ignore Hux’s criticisms about wastefulness. Hux had never been quite sure if this view stemmed from his republic upbringing or his own delusions of grandeur. Regardless of which, Hux had never prevailed in getting him to see otherwise.

“If the water’s already being used anyway, you may as well take advantage of it,” Ren had pointed out to him when trying to get Hux to join him. To that, Hux supposed that he couldn’t argue. And so, while more than content to make do with the sonic, he would occasionally allow Ren to drag him into a water shower.

Ren had looked oh so incredibly triumphant and smug the first time he had relented. This led Hux to believe that Ren’s main goal of getting him to take a water shower was simply a further excuse to fuck him; having sex in a sonic shower not quite having the same appeal.

Hux had been somewhat surprised when the last time they were together here, instead of immediately jumping on him, Ren had in an uncharacteristically tender manner proceeded to wash his back instead. Hux had been so taken aback by the gesture that it had rendered him partly speechless at the time.

Even now, he could vividly imagine Ren standing there behind him with that thick and dark hair of his as Hux carefully shampooed his own. With a frustrated sigh, Hux exited the shower, and without thinking, just as he had done so that morning, found himself standing in front of the refresher mirror. The steam from the shower, however, obscured his reflection.

He frowned, knowing that he should take it as a sign that he was no longer thinking clearly and that he should leave such thoughts alone and put both Ren and the matter of his weight out of his mind as he had earlier resolved to so. Instead he moved into his sleeping quarters, opening his wardrobe to reveal the full-length mirror that resided on the inside of the door.

Reaching down with his hand, he gave his stomach a small tentative squeeze. There was no disputing the fact that it felt softer just as Ren had highlighted the night before. And much to his dismay, Hux even noticed that it was protruding out slightly from the towel wrapped around his waist. He frowned deeply.

Letting the towel drop to the floor, Hux began to examine the rest of his body both with his eyes and his hands. He found the process somewhat nerve-wracking, which of course was completely ridiculous given everything he had had to endure and all of the trials he had faced throughout both his career and life to get to where he was.

He was quite sure that his face didn’t look any fatter. That was good at least, what with it being the one thing he couldn’t cover up. He certainly wasn’t going to go about with an idiotic mask covering his face like Ren did after all.

As for the rest of his body… well, he wasn’t quite sure. He had never paid all that much attention to it. Or rather had actively tried to avoid looking at it. Again, as long as his hair and his uniform looked presentable, that’s all that had really mattered in his opinion. But now that there was someone who regularly got to see him out of his uniform, to see what actually lay beneath it…well, that changed things.

Overall, his stomach seemed to be the main culprit in regard to his recent weight gain, which was unsurprising given that it had been what had alerted Ren to it in the first place.

He scoffed. It was easy for Ren to criticise. Ren with that wonderfully muscular body of his who when not on some mission for the Supreme Leader could spend as much time training and moulding it as he pleased. Hux on the other hand essentially had an entire fleet to govern, let alone merely commanding the Finalizer. He couldn’t just go gallivanting off to the gym whenever he so chose. He had commitments. It just wasn’t feasible. Especially considering that his downtime was primarily spent getting what little rest he could afford in-between his work on his various side-projects aimed at increasing the efficiency and might of the Order. It was either that or what was becoming increasingly more common when he wasn’t working, being in the company of Ren whenever the knight was aboard.

To Hux’s complete surprise, these days their time spent in the other’s company didn’t just solely consist of them having sex, which in turn further cut into his free time. So really, in the end, wasn’t Ren just as much to blame for his current physical state?

Perhaps even more so. Afterall, as well as taking up Hux’s personal time, he had also played a direct role when it came to his altering his eating habits.

It could definitely be argued considering that Ren would often return from one of his prolonged training sessions – which ever so conveniently seemed to coincide with the end of Hux’s shifts for the cycle – and proceed to order a ridiculous amount of food directly to Hux’s quarters.

“Surely, you could have eaten in your own time, in your _own_ rooms before coming here,” Hux had complained the first time Ren had done so.

Ren simply shrugged as he walked out of the refresher, having just been in a shower. Hux rolled his eyes; Ren being ever the great conversationalist.

“You honestly don’t expect to be able to consume all of that, do you!?” Hux cried upon seeing how much food Ren had actually ordered to his quarters, aghast when a droid showed up and wheeled in a trolley with several trays filled with a variety of different dishes.

While Ren was large in stature and expended a great deal of energy when he worked out, to be able to eat all of that still seemed utterly unthinkable.

“It’s not all for me,” Ren answered nonchalantly, unfazed by Hux’s shock, “I took you into consideration as well when I ordered since I know for a fact that you haven’t eaten dinner yet.” Ren smiled, gesturing to the table as the droid carefully placed and arranged the plates of on it. “You can help yourself to whatever you want.”

From how elegant the food looked in both quality and presentation, it seemed to Hux that it was likely made by a top chef belonging to one of the Finalizer’s restaurants that catered specifically to high ranking officers. Hux had never actually been to any of the restaurants aboard the Finalizer himself, again, simply content to have something from the officers lounge. It was that or a protein pack in his quarters if he was in a rush, which tended to be the case more often than not.

Hux couldn’t help but being slightly taken aback by Ren telling him that he could have whatever he pleased, and then even more so by the fact that Ren had even taken him into consideration when ordering.

As surprising as it was, it felt, well…rather nice.

He wasn’t about to tell Ren this of course, and so hoping to cover it up, he let out a small scoff.

“That’s certainly presumptuous of you. And what if I’m not currently hungry, or simply don’t care for any of the food you’ve taken it upon yourself to order?” Hux challenged. This of course wasn’t at all true, there being several dishes that Hux was rather partial too but rarely ever got the chance to eat.

A small part of him even wondered if the dishes had been chosen at random or if Ren had picked any out any specifically for Hux. Considering that it was Ren however, it was most likely the former; the notion of the knight putting that much thought into something being laughable.

Ren shrugged as he took a seat. “Suit yourself. Eat. Don’t eat. It makes no real difference to me. I’m famished but I doubt even I can eat all of this. Whatever’s left, you can just have a droid pick up and dispose of in the trash compactor.”

Hux balked at the very thought. If there was one thing he couldn’t abide by, it was wastefulness, and Ren knew this perfectly well if the somewhat smug look on his face was anything to go by. Clearly he was trying to goad him into eating.

Ren proceeded to then dig into a large steak. Hux was unsure of what species the meat was from. Possibly a nerf, for all he knew.

With a frustrated sigh, Hux took a seat opposite Ren, the droid having just finished placing the plates on the table before it had left. As much as he didn’t want to give into Ren, Hux really couldn’t allow so much food to go to waste.

“Fine. I’ll have a little. Honestly, though, Ren, there really is enough food here to feed an entire squadron of Stormtroopers let alone just the two of us! You should be more mindful and considerate about these things. I would hate for the First Order to approach the edge of bankruptcy all because it had to cater to your excessive eating habits.”

Ren laughed. “You’re exaggerating.” Hux, really didn’t think he was. “Besides, I’ve been training all day and have built up an appetite. I need to keep up my strength. Plus you need to eat, too.”

“Maybe so, but you didn’t have to involve me in acquiring this extravagant amount of food. A simple protein pack, or some soup along with a few slices of bread would have more than sufficed me for a late evening meal.”

Ren rolled his eyes, pointing his fork directly at him. Hux frowned at the rude gesture. “It’s no wonder you’re so skinny. You don’t eat nearly enough.”

“I eat more than enough to get by, I’ll have you know,” Hux replied, defensively.

Ren, meanwhile, looked unconvinced. “Oh really? And what did you have for breakfast and lunch today?”

“I don’t eat breakfast. I only have a cup of caf first thing before my shift as _you_ very well know already. And as for lunch…well, things were rather hectic this cycle, so I had to make do with a rations bar I had stored away in my desk drawer…” Hux trailed off, feeling somewhat embarrassed as he realised what he was saying was only giving Ren’s argument some actual clout. As such, he fully expected Ren to rub it in his face but instead the knight simply sighed.

“So you’ve only had a single ration’s bar this cycle and yet you claim that this is excessive. You really are unbelievable.”

“Even a person who had been deprived of food for several days would count this as excessive!” Hux retorted. He really didn’t want to be lectured on his lifestyle choices by Kylo Ren of all people.

“Just because I hold myself to a higher standard and don’t engage in your petty republic indulgences…” Hux mumbled when Ren didn’t rise to his words.

Still, as much as he was annoyed by Ren questioning him about his eating habits, he had to admit that the food before him did look particularly appetising. He even found himself beginning to salivate a bit just looking at it, it in turn making him realise just how hungry he actually was.

Deciding that it would be a waste of time to argue further, reaching over, Hux pulled some creamy looking rice dish towards him. He honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten something like this, again his schedule keeping him so busy and preoccupied that it was easier just to have a simple protein pack or a cup of noodles in his quarters. He also preferred to work while he ate, so engaging in unfulfilling socialising in the officer’s lounge instead of working felt like a waste most of the time. But he wasn’t in the officers lounge. Right now, he was Ren so he supposed that made it alright.

Tentatively Hux took a bite. It tasted wonderful, so much so that he had to actively repress a moan. At any rate, it was definitely a step up from what he usually consumed.

He caught Ren’s eyes who was looking at him somewhat triumphantly.

“Good?”

“It…It’s acceptable,” Hux conceded with slight reluctance, hoping that Ren couldn’t tell how much he was actually enjoying it.

Ren laughed. “Here, this bread goes well with it. It’s crusted in cheese, it’s delicious” he said, handing over a small basket filled with it.

While, if he had wanted bread, plain or buttered bread would have more than sufficed – not to mention that this dish alone would surely be more than enough for him to eat – Hux nonetheless accepted it. As it was, Ren turned out to be right. It really did taste delicious.

With no work in front of him to keep him occupied, he and Ren made idle chatter, and before he knew it, the plate before him was empty. This in addition to having eaten a couple of pieces of bread left Hux feeling slightly stunned, if not a little embarrassed. Clearly he had been far hungrier than he had originally assumed... 

Hux was unsure if he should feel guilty or not, both for his rare bout of gluttony, or that Ren hadn’t gotten to try any of the dish he had chosen. He did remind himself however, that Ren had more or less forced Hux into eating, so if he lost out on trying the dish, really it was his own fault.

Plus, he had said that Hux could have whatever he wanted so...

Regardless, the knight didn’t complain, and when Hux glanced over at the other man, he thought Ren now seemed more satisfied than triumphant. Although, what was so pleasing about watching him eat Hux had absolutely no clue.

He decided not to think about it, having learned by now that trying to make sense of Ren’s bizarre thought processes was a lesson in futility.

Despite Hux joining him in dining and Ren having eaten an incredible amount himself– with Ren’s physique, Hux supposed it wasn’t surprising that the man needed to eat so much to keep going – they hadn’t been able to finish the ridiculous amount of food that Ren had ordered. Not that Hux had expected that they would be able to.

He thought about demanding that Ren consume all of it so it didn’t go to waste, but now, with both of them full, Ren was looking at him with an expression that very much suggested that he wanted nothing more than to take him to bed. And truly, as much as Hux liked ordering the knight about, being bedded sounded like the far more preferable option.

He did however instruct Ren to package away the leftovers in the small conservator in the kitchen of Hux’s quarters. Other than for storing bottled water or milk, Hux rarely used the thing, leaving plenty of empty space for what remained of their dinner.

“You can take the leftovers back with you when you return to your own rooms. I won’t allow what’s left to go to waste when it can be reheated for later,” Hux told Ren sternly once the other man had finished putting it all away.

“Actually, I think I’ll leave the leftovers here instead,” Ren replied.

Hux narrowed his eyes. “Are you really that lazy that you can’t be bothered to take it with you when you leave?”

“Of course that’s not the reason,” Ren laughed before slightly incredulously asking, “You really thinking I’m _that_ lazy?”

“If not, then why then?” Hux asked, confused after coming up with no other immediate reason, “Although I do admit, if you were to leave the remainder of it here, it would save you from having to order such a ridiculous amount of food next time you show up.”

“I’m not sure how long certain foods will keep for, however. I’d have to look it up,” Hux added, thinking it over

About to go grab his datapad to check the holonet, out of the corner of his eye he noticed that Ren was practically beaming at him.

“Wh-What?” he asked, completely caught off guard by the expression on Ren’s face. He was positive that he had never seen the other man smile so brightly before. Not that Ren, much like himself, smiled all that much to begin with.

“So does that mean I’m welcome to have dinner here whenever I want?”

“I never said that!” Hux cried, “And certainly not whenever you please.”

Ren looked ridiculously disappointed and Hux let out a small sigh. “But… well, given the fact that you never actually listen to me, I assume that you will simply do whatever you please, regardless of any protests I make.”

“Hmm, you certainly aren’t this cooperative on the bridge, General. I like it,” said Ren, that smug look on his face having returned.

“Oh, shut up! Or next time I won’t even let you through the door,” Hux muttered irately. It was an empty threat however, and not only because if Ren really wanted to, he could get into any room in the ship with ease.

“Actually, the real I was thinking of leaving the leftovers here was so that you could have them. After all, it’d be nice to know that you’re functioning on more than a single rations bar or some noodles once per cycle.”

Hux folded his arms defensively. “I get by just fine.”

Ren walked over to him and wrapping his arms around him, pulled Hux into an embrace, surprising him.

“Re-Ren?” Hux gasped out in surprise.

“It’s because of that belief of yours, that you’re so thin. You should take advantage and indulge more, General. You work hard so it’s not like you don’t deserve it,” Ren whispered into his ear as Hux shuddered in return. “Plus, for my peace of mind, even if you choose not to eat any of what’s leftover, I want to leave it with you so that you at least have the option to.”

Hux found himself baffled at the sentiment he heard in Ren’s words. It would reassure Ren to know that he was eating better? That didn’t make much sense. Afterall, it wasn’t like it would have any effect on how well he carried out his duties – of which he of course excelled at– or his and Ren’s relationship in the bedroom.

“What? Why?” Hux questioned, suspiciously, still pressed against Ren’s expansive chest.

Ren shrugged. “Just because. But like I said, you don’t have to eat what’s left if you don’t want to. Although…”

Hux raised a eyebrow. “Although?”

Ren moved back slightly and grinned down at him. “Although, if you didn’t eat it, all that food would just go to waste, and well, I know much you can’t stand that, so…”

“Oh, fine then!” Hux retorted, his face flushing as he pushed at Ren’s chest. Ren of course barely budged, simply laughing.

In spite of the fact that Ren was essentially blackmailing him into eating them, Hux felt strangely touched. Perhaps because before Ren no one had really shown the least bit of interest in his physical wellbeing; at least not out with his ability to fulfil his duties and serve the First Order. Ren on the other hand seemed to actually be concerned about his eating habits. Or at the very least was pretending to be. For Hux, it was somewhat overwhelming.

He turned away, not wanting to give Ren the satisfaction of seeing his face so humiliatingly red. Instead, he folded his arms, giving Ren an ultimatum. “I’ll eat as much of what’s left as is possible. But only if you promise not to order so much next time.”

“I promise,” replied Ren, and without protest, Hux let Ren take hold of his wrist and drag him to bed.

True to his word, Hux had made sure to eat what could be reheated in the nanowave over the next couple of days. He had felt slightly uneasy doing so, again so used to settling for protein packs or noodles. But as Ren had pointed out, much like that it would be a waste not to make use of the water shower when it was already being used, it would be a wasteful not to eat food that was already there. Unfortunately some of it did have to be thrown out. And as much as he hated doing so, Hux certainly couldn’t afford the risk of succumbing to something so easily avoidable as food poisoning.

Nevertheless, despite Ren’s promise to him, a week or so later, after a particularly taxing mission, Ren did the exact same thing again, ordering copious amounts of food to Hux’s quarters.

“Damnit, Ren. You said that you wouldn’t order so much this time!” Hux scolded him as the same droid as before – at least as far as he could tell – once again brought in a tray of numerous dishes.

Ren shot him what could be interpreted as a playful smile. “And I didn’t. I ordered a couple of dishes less.”

Hux opened his mouth to yell but Ren hurriedly continued. “Which means I didn’t technically break my promise.”

Hux let out a loud put-upon sigh. Taking a seat at the table he placed a hand against his forehead. “You truly are impossible.”

Ren chuckled happily, as if taking what he had said to be some kind of compliment, of which of course, it definitely was not. Oh well. Hux supposed that if there was ever going to be someone who took that as praise, it would be Kylo Ren, and given that he had chosen to actively spend time with the man, Hux wasn’t quite sure what that said about him.

While Hux had ate with him, he had been adamant that Ren at least take some of the leftover food back when he returned to his own quarters, in turn promising that like before, he would eat the rest over the coming few days. Ren hadn’t tried to argue, instead looking pleased.

Hux frowned as he recalled the memory. Ren had smiled at him back then, having encouraged him to eat more. And yet here now Ren was mocking Hux for the weight he had gained in spite of the fact that it was really due to Ren’s influence on his eating habits that he had.

The food Ren ordered for them always tasted wonderful, and whilst it made him feel somewhat guilty, Hux enjoyed eating it. Still, before Ren’s interference; before he had encouraged him to indulge, he had been perfectly fine with eating protein packs and the likes. While Hux himself wasn’t entirely blameless – he had been the one who had allowed himself to be so easily swayed after all – he was adamant that Ren accept some responsibility instead of commenting about sudden the softness surrounding his stomach.

Hux despaired. If only he had demanded that Ren ate in his own quarters, then he wouldn’t be in this ridiculous mess of a situation to begin with. It didn’t help either that Hux found himself eating more than he had previously ever since they had started having their occasional dinners together. Throughout the past few months, Hux had even ordered some of the dishes Ren had shared with him to his quarters despite Ren being away and not there with him. It wasn’t something that wouldn’t have even crossed his mind in the past.

Now standing in front of the mirror, a twinge of disgust for himself welling up inside, Hux dug his fingers into his stomach, wincing slightly as he did so. Ignoring the pain, a part of him wished desperately that he could somehow gather all the excess fat that wasn’t there before and rip it out completely; to go back to how he had been previously.

He sighed loudly. If only it was that simple.

It wasn’t as if he had been particularly fond of his body as it was. He had never liked being so thin, _hated_ it even, but somehow this seemed so much worst. Perhaps because, Ren’s comments aside, it made him think of his father, Brendol Hux.

The man had been an absolute glutton when it came to the likes of both food and alcohol, always eager to take more than he needed, let alone what he actually deserved. Both his weight and appearance had fluctuated heavily depending on external circumstances and his emotional state. One moment he would appear healthy enough and well dressed, the perfect picture of a composed and dignified officer of the First Order, and before that, the Empire. And then in the next, he would show up looking haggard and unshaven as well as overweight; an image hardly befitting of his rank.

Hux could recall Brendol’s belly almost bursting out of his uniform at several points, his buttons struggling to contain it.

Hux felt sick just thinking about it.

There were many reasons why Brendol had instilled both hatred and disgust in him, but his appearance had been far from the top of his list. Now however, the thought of being compared to Brendol in terms of appearance made Hux want to retch. Other than inheriting his red hair from his father, Hux seemed to resemble his mother more. Although given that he couldn’t remember what she looked like, let alone if he had ever met her, he couldn’t say for sure.

Hux cursed himself. He would need to nip this problem in the bud before it got even further out of hand. It was completely unacceptable. He was a general of the First Order. Such weaknesses could not be tolerated!

From now on, he would stick to protein packs or ration bars. No more, indulgences. No more fancy and extravagant meals. If Ren attempted to have dinner here again, he would order him to eat in his own quarters, on his _own_ time.

Hux frowned. It was because of his arrangement with Ren that this had happened; what had caused Hux to lose sight of himself and make him soft, and not just in the case of his stomach. 

Something…Something needed to be done about it.

But for now, Ren was gone and so Hux decided to focus his attention on the more immediate problem.

Finally, turning away from the mirror, he pulled on some nightwear before wandering into the small kitchenette. Having not eaten the entire day, he felt his stomach calling out desperately for food, but considering he was planning on heading straight to bed – he felt absolutely exhausted – it seemed like a waste to eat anything particularly substantial. He took out a standard sized rations bar from one of the cupboards, which for the moment would more than suffice.

However, when it came to eating it, despite his gnawing hunger, Hux found that he couldn’t bring himself to take more than a few small bites, nausea suddenly arising.

He put the nausea down to being a simple case of exhaustion. He always did find it difficult to eat when he was tired after all.

In the meanwhile Hux at least forced himself to swallow what he had already bitten off as he put the rest of it back into its packaging and placed it down on his desk.

He would have the rest of it in the morning. But for now he just wanted to sleep.

Climbing into bed, Hux closed his eyes, all the while trying to ignore the small ache in his stomach as he waited for sleep to claim him.

He cursed Ren one final time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, thank you so much for all the lovely comments and kudos! :D I honestly wasn't sure if anyone would be that interested in reading this, so it was a very pleasant surprise. 
> 
> Also, apologies, I forgot to mention in the first chapter and the original tags that this takes place several months after The Force Awakens and as such, isn't canon compliant with The Last Jedi.
> 
> Feel free to prod me on tumblr at [yanyangire](https://yanyangire.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thanks for reading so far!


	3. Chapter 3

In spite of his exhaustion, it took Hux quite a while to get to sleep that night. His bout of nausea along with general muscle ache certainly hadn’t helped matters either. Having slept fairly well the previous several months – better than he ever had before actually – he was reminded of just how unpleasant and vexing insomnia was when faced with it once more. Eventually he was able to drift off, but when the time arose for him to awake and get ready for his shift, it hardly seemed like enough of it had passed to allow him to have properly rested.

Regardless of his fatigue, Hux forced himself to get up out of bed, feeling angry and disappointed with himself for his desire to lie there for longer when both his duties and subordinates awaited him. He knew full well that his service to the Order should be his highest priority at all times in spite of any frustrating physical inconveniences he may have been experiencing. Again he blamed Ren for making him so lax.

After getting washed and dressed, along with having his usual start-of-the-day cup of caf of which he had frustratingly had to forgo the previous morning, Hux made himself consume the rest of the ration’s bar he had taken only a few bites out of the night before, knowing that having barely eaten anything the past cycle, he really should have something. Two evenings worth of poor sleep were also affecting his energy levels and he needed something to perk himself up, food being the most logical choice after caf.

He supposed he could consider it to be a rare breakfast treat in spite of how unpleasant it actually tasted. His nausea still a factor however, Hux struggled slightly eating it, only able to take small nibbles at a time, in turn making him feel like some wretched rodent.

By the time he finished it, much like the day before, he had to rush to make his shift on time.

Again, with not much requiring his attention on the bridge itself, Hux spent much of his shift in his office, completing paperwork, every report he read making him lament the loss of Starkiller even further.

To combat his dejection, Hux took a small break from filling out reports by going through a database of nearby worlds, keeping note of the ones filled with various rich resources that he believed would be of great benefit to the Order under their rule. Such resources would also go a long way to helping replenish all the Order had lost on Starkiller Base. Although sadly some things such as the crystals that had allowed them to power Starkiller in the first place just couldn’t be replaced.

With their superweapon out of commission, the Order had been slightly more restrained in its methods of reaching out and allying itself with other worlds, electing to use a more diplomatic approach rather than outright physical threat.

But even the worlds which had contacted them directly after the destruction of the Hosnian system seemed to be stalling, trying to get as good a deal as they possibly could. While Hux supposed it was only natural to aim for the best arrangement, it was nevertheless unacceptable. Those worlds should be trembling in fear after all, thankful that there request for an alliance was even being taken into consideration and that they hadn’t just been destroyed outright.

The Order couldn’t afford to lose momentum. Couldn’t lose the foothold it had gained in subjugating and controlling the galaxy and of fulfilling its purpose of bringing balance and peace to the many planets and billions of lifeforms plagued by chaos and disorder. Hux refused to let anyone stand in his – or rather the Order’s way.

Perhaps when Ren returned Hux could sent him off to the planet he felt had the most to offer. While a squadron of Stormtroopers always accompanied their negotiators on diplomatic excursions, both for protection and as a show of force, it had nowhere near the same fear inducing effect which invoked submission when those they were dealing with came face to face with Kylo Ren, force user and apprentice of Supreme Leader Snoke himself.

His anger towards the man aside, Hux would admit that Ren definitely had his uses. Unfortunately these uses seemed to be unavailable to Hux when he actually needed them. It didn’t help either that he had no idea where Ren even was, let alone when he would actually be returning to the Finalizer.

Not that Hux particularly wanted to see him of course. But for military purposes, Ren was both a valuable and vital asset as loathe as Hux was to admit such a fact.

Barring that, Hux supposed he could choose the planet which had the least value and completely obliterate its capital to make an example to the rest of the worlds in contact who were stalling on aligning themselves with the Order. After all, just because the First Order no longer possessed its superweapon didn’t mean they weren’t still a force to be reckoned with. And it was of his strong belief that fear always worked as powerful motivator for compliance.

Hux decided that he would make a detailed report about the potential planets and present it to the Supreme Leader himself. After the destruction of Starkiller Base, he needed something substantial to get back into Snoke’s good graces. While Snoke hadn’t punished him with a demotion or even the threat of death, Hux was well aware of Snoke’s anger towards both himself and Ren. While Ren could gain favour by successfully carrying out the missions set out for him by Snoke, all that Hux seemed to be doing was, if to put it in crude terms, holding down the fort so to speak.

With the Resistance’s location currently unknown, this report was the next best thing Hux could offer despite how much it paled in comparison finding or crippling their efforts. It was disheartening to say the least. But trying to remain positive, Hux reminded himself that he had endured far worse uncertainty in the past, even if he currently found it difficult to believe.

As his shift wore on, Hux ended up going through an inordinate amount of caf. Mitaka kept him topped up, appearing every hour or so with a freshly brewed cup, something for which Hux was tremendously thankful for.

“While appreciated Mitaka, you don’t need to keep fetching me caf. I can order a droid to do that, and I’m sure you have other duties which are far more worthwhile than indulging my caf dependence,” Hux said lightly, not wanting the Lieutenant to think he was being reprimanded for his frequent appearances.

“It’s no trouble at all, Sir!” Mitaka immediately answered, “I mean, I’ve been getting caf for myself anyway, and I know that you’ve been really busy with paperwork so I thought I could make myself of further use by bringing you some too.”

Hux highly doubted that this was really the case. As far as he was aware, the young Lieutenant didn’t drink all that much caf to begin with. At least not compared to himself and many of the other officers.

“Well, thank you.” If it was any other officer, Hux would suspect them of trying to butter him up, perhaps angling for a promotion or reassignment. And while Mitaka appeared to want to be in his good graces, Hux didn’t think there was any ulterior motive behind it; that the younger man really did just want to be helpful to him.

“Your welcome, sir. Plus, things have been a little slow since the destru…” Mitaka quickly trailed off clearly having been about to mention Starkiller. Undoubtably aware that it was still very much a sensitive subject for his commanding officer he had just manged to stop himself.

“Yes, well, I doubt it will remain this way for long. We must stay on our toes after all. Who knows when the blasted Resistance will make a move against us. We can’t afford to be unprepared,” Hux warned, taking a small sip of his newly brewed caf.

“Yes! Of course, sir!”

Hux dismissed Mitaka and returned to work. Eventually, however as the hours went by he found himself being distracted with what appeared to be hunger pangs. Clearly the leftovers of the ration bar he had eaten that morning hadn’t been quite enough to sustain him through his shift.

Hux supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised. He could even hear Ren’s voice in his head, chiding him, ‘Of course it wasn’t enough. How could one tiny bar that tastes like cardboard possibly be?’

Quickly he banished the voice.

With a sigh he took out another small rations bar that he kept stored in the back of his bottom desk drawer just in the off chance that he found himself hungry and was too swamped with work to leave.

‘Another ration’s bar, really?’ Ren’s voice asked incredulously in his head.

Admittedly Hux wasn’t quite busy enough that he couldn’t afford to leave, as while the reports concerning the destruction of Starkiller Base did need completing, most weren’t overly pressing or time sensitive. Furthermore, Mitaka had made it clear that he would bend over backwards to get his superior something even if Hux didn’t directly asked for it, as was evident by the generous amount of caf he had brought him that cycle. So really when it came to food, he needn’t worry about sending the Lieutenant off to fetch him something.

A proper meal would do him good Hux reasoned as he debated summoning Mitaka, something which of course had nothing to do with Ren’s nagging voice in his head.

Still, as he looked down at the bar in his hand, Hux felt his earlier nausea start to return.

He frowned. Perhaps it wasn’t really hunger at all? He had read once that it was easy to confuse nausea for hunger pangs. Perhaps that was what it had been all along, and really there was no sense in forcing himself to eat if he didn’t actually need to. He was only sitting at his desk filling out reports after all, and It wasn’t like he was Ren who spent hours upon hours training and subsequently needed to eat a great deal to replenish his energy reserves.

Things weren’t helped either as he suddenly became aware of the sensation of the waist band of his jodhpurs digging into him. It wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t exactly pleasant either. Despite this, Hux still refused to adjust his belt from its normal clasp.

While it had been over half a cycle already since he had had the rest of that ration bar from yesterday for breakfast, he had gone far longer without eating in the past. This in addition to the fact that he usually didn’t eat anything at all before his shift made it seem even less necessary for him to have something. Furthermore, he didn’t want to risk making his nausea any worse by eating when it wasn’t required. 

With that in mind, he put the bar back in his desk drawer and out of sight.

It was true that he had gone lengthy periods of not eating, mainly when he had been a young boy. Although back then it had been because he had no choice in the matter. One specific period that stood out was when he and Brendol had been fleeing the New Republic during the siege on Arkanis. He and his father, along with a few of his men and Brendol’s wife Maratelle had gone into hiding.

Their food supply had been scarce and with Brendol being the greedy, gluttonous man he was, always used to having a full meal in his belly, he had found it particularly stressful. Between witnessing the Empire’s downfall, the loss of his life’s work in the form of the academy, and their limited food reserves, Brendol had behaved even more cruelly to his son than usual. Being holed up together in such as small space with no nooks or crannies for him to hide, something of which he often did back at his old home, Hux had had no alternative but to endure his father’s wrath and take it all.

Neither Maratelle or his men had said anything of course, either turning a blind eye or occasionally watching on with a kind of sick and morbid curiosity as their superior beat his own son. Hux supposed for those men who had nothing else to occupy their time with, watching a small child being hit was the only entertainment they experienced whilst there. Maratelle, meanwhile, had seen it all before and projected her usual disinterest in between hysterics over their perilous position, something of which unfortunately for Hux only served to fuel Brendol’s anger.

On the orders of Gallius Rax, he and his father were eventually rescued and taken to safety. Maratelle however had not accompanied them. To this day Hux was still unaware of his stepmother’s fate, and honestly, he couldn’t say that he cared. Like his relationship with his father, there had been no love shared between them. Regardless, he doubted that if she had remained in his life he would have ever been capable of hating her quite as much as he did Brendol.

Before the battle on Jakku, Hux had experienced a brief reprieve from hunger, in addition to the bonus of being able to hide away from Brendol who was distracted by his duties,and meetings over the Empire’s future. However as soon as their journey to the Unknown Regions on the Imperialis began, no longer permitted to physically or psychologically abuse his son under the threat of death by Rae Slone who Hux had made a deal in exchange for ordering the orphan children placed under his command by Rax not to harm her, Brendol had taken to punishing his son in other ways. Usually this involved denying him food, something of which Brendol justified as being a fitting form of punishment for an ungrateful and useless child such as Hux. Hux was sure that the experience wouldn’t have been as nearly as bad had his father not latched on to any and every minuscule mistake he believed his son to have made as an excuse to do so. For a man as petty a Brendol, it wasn’t particularly difficult.

After a busy cycle of rigorous study and trying to learn everything he possibly could from his father about being an Imperial officer and training future soldiers, Hux would usually be rather hungry. He and Brendol ate their meals separately from both Sloane and the orphan children and more often than not Hux would only be informed that he wasn’t allowed anything to eat when he had already arrived and sat down at the dinner table in his father quarters. A droid would show up with their meals at the same time each night and place the plates down on the table when Brendol would suddenly recall something Hux had done incorrect that day.

“A weak and foolish child like yourself doesn't deserve this,” Brendol would spit out with a sneer before detailing to Hux exactly what it was that he had done wrong, it never seeming to matter just how small or inconsequential the thing actually was.

Not wanting to anger his father any further, Hux would sit there and take in whatever Brendol said despite how much he disagreed with him. All the while he would watch on helplessly as the same droid who had brought the food and placed it in front of him would take it back again.

Brendol would proceed to furiously berate him, all done under the guise of constructive criticism of course, before angrily stressing that as the food had already been cooked and prepared, as his father it was his responsibility to eat Hux’s portions so as to avoid any waste. The squandering of food and resources was a heedless Republic failing after all. 

However, in spite of his age, Hux was aware that most of foods that were prepared for them could be preserved one way or another, at least until the next day, meaning that Brendol didn’t have to eat it right there and then. It was only after Brendol had sent him to his quarters without food a couple of times more that things clicked, and he realised that his father was purposely doing it. After all, why else would he wait until the food was already there on the table ready to eat before informing Hux that he had done something wrong and thus wasn’t allowed anything?

Hux hadn’t been in the least bit surprised when he had understood what was happening; that Brendol was deliberately putting food right under his nose only to deny him it at the very last second. No longer able to hit or excessively verbally abuse him, Brendol had to look to other ways to hurt his bastard son. Looking back, Hux found it somewhat ironic that Brendol had complained at length about his rather slight build – ‘as thin as a slip of paper and just as useless’.

As well as working as a punishment, Hux strongly suspected that it also functioned as a way for Brendol to sate his own gluttonous desires. He probably even rationalised it to himself that he wasn’t deliberately setting out to eat so excessively but that it was simply unacceptable for him to allow his son’s food to go to waste. So really in the end, what choice did he have?

Brendol denying him food wasn’t constant. Hux was unsure if it was because even Brendol was aware that he couldn’t withhold food from his son everyday less it become too obvious given how thin Hux was already, or if it was merely that he just hadn’t manage to pinpoint something Hux had done wrong. As much as he hated his father, Hux always made sure to carry out each task he was ordered diligently and with great care. From a young age he had learned that doing whatever his father asked without question was the best way to avoid a beating. Of course, with Brendol and his temper, it hadn’t always worked.

Hux supposed that he could have gone to Sloane and told her what his father was doing. Even without their arrangement, Hux suspected that she would have been angry, quite rightly rationalising that those tasked with rebuilding the Empire needed to be strong and healthy, not exhausted and unfocused from being underfed. Furthermore, she too hated Brendol so lashing out at him may have provided her therapeutic outlet during the long journey to the outer regions.

Hux was also aware that he could have ordered the orphaned children under his command to hand over their food to him, something of which they would have all done without question.

Hux’s pride had stopped him however. He had been suffering his father’s fists and vitriol infused words more or less since the day he was born so going hungry from time to time was something he could and would force himself to endure. He would prove to himself and those around him that he wasn’t the weakling his father considered him to be.

While his stomach had often ached unpleasantly as he lay there in his bed, it had also served to spur him on into becoming stronger, so much so that he even came to consider it part of his training.

He was determined that one day he would surpass his father and make him pay for everything he had done to and put him through. He would do this all the while rising to the highest ranks of the newly reformed Empire. It would be glorious. The galaxy would bow down before him. He would never go hungry, and no one would hurt or abuse him ever again.

Regardless, despite having achieved the rank General and playing a hand in for Brendol’s excoriatingly painful death, apparently hunger wasn’t something that was so easily banished. Although rather than being denied food, this time it seemed to be almost self-inflicted…

Wanting a distraction and the chance to stretch his legs, as well as to avoid a repeat of yesterday were his shoulders and neck had ached from being hunched over his desk for so long, Hux decided to go and check in with Phasma to inquire how her newest battalion of Stormtroopers were coming along with their training.

The moment he entered the training room, the troopers immediately stopped what they were doing – sparring mainly – and saluted him. He smirked, knowing that once their training was completed, all these men and woman would both fight and die for him without question or any hesitation in their hearts.

Or at least that was how it was supposed to be.

Ever since FN-2187’s betrayal, the Order’s loyalty program and battle simulations had been upgraded, something of which Hux was both responsible for and directly oversaw. While the loss of one or two Stormtroopers would usually be no cause for concern – it was expected for many of them to die in battle anyway what with them being mere foot soldiers and all – FN-2187’s desertion and subsequent alliance with the Resistance had cost them dearly, resulting in the in the destruction of Starkiller Base. As such, both he and Phasma were determined to make sure that such an incident never occurred ever again.

If a trooper showed any kind of hesitation in following orders or expressed excessive agency, they were promptly sent off for reconditioning. And for those troopers whose reconditioning was believed to take longer than usual, well they were simply executed.

While perhaps it could be construed as wasteful given that the Order needed all the manpower that they could get right now, it at least leant itself as an example to other Stormtroopers – and even officers – that insubordination would be met with a swift death. It also helped weed out those who given the opportunity would defect or betray the Order. Another failure like FN-2187 would absolutely not be tolerated.

After some questioning and witnessing several demonstrations from the Stormtroopers themselves, Phasma assured him that so far, the new training regime was going well. Never one to sugar coat or exaggerate things, Hux chose to take the Captain’s word for it despite still being slightly troubled by her somewhat shaky account of how FN-2187 had somehow managed to best her, the Order’s strongest fighter after Ren.

“Are you alright, sir?” she asked as they stood watching out of the large window of the control room as various battle simulations played out below.

The question caught him completely off guard, Hux being rather sure that Phasma had never enquired after his wellbeing before.

“Absolutely fine,” Hux retorted, slightly taken aback.

“Why do you ask?” he asked pointedly a moment or so later, his eyes narrowing, suspicious over what had prompted her question.

Phasma possessed a sharp attention to detail. It was just one of the things that made her such an incredible warrior as well as such a great asset to the First Order. This was admittedly one of the reasons why he hadn’t interviewed her as thoroughly about what had happened in her encounter with FN-2187 that had led her to ending up in a trash compactor as he would have done had it been anyone else.

Not believing anything else to have changed in his demeanour, Hux’s mind immediately jumped to the possibility that perhaps Phasma had noticed what Ren already had.

Panic arose within him. After intensely scrutinising his body the night before, he had believed that his stomach was the only place where he had noticeably gained any weight. And even then he had thought that his uniform did a good job of concealing it.

Had he been wrong? If Phasma could tell, then how many others had noticed as well?

No. Phasma was special, he reasoned. A unique case. She was one of the shrewdest people he knew. But even Ren himself had only become aware of Hux’s weight gain when he had been naked and pressed closely against him.

“No particular reason,” she replied simply, before turning back, appearing wholly unfazed by the sudden sharpness in her superior’s voice.

Hux frowned. With her helmet on, he couldn’t tell what kind of expression she wore on her face. Although, he had a feeling that even with her face visible, her expression would remain completely unreadable.

She was an enigma, and unlike Ren who let his emotions run wild and control him, Phasma was calm and collected at all times. It was certainly an admirable trait, albeit frustrating when it came to trying to decipher what she was thinking, an ability Hux was usually able to take pride in.

“I see,” he answered in return, deciding against pressing further so as not to let on that he was bothered by her question. “Well, then, keep up the good work. I expect great things from these new troops.”

“Of course, sir. Leave it to me,” she answered, standing to attention.

With that, he left her, deciding to make his way back to his office. However, as he marched down the corridor, he found himself feeling strangely faint all of a sudden. He paused mid-step, reaching out to the wall for support. It was simply a precaution he reasoned as he lay his hand against it. He certainly wasn’t about to keel over because of a little light-headedness. He wondered if perhaps he had drunk too much caf earlier and now here it was catching up to him.

Damn Mitaka for enabling him.

No, that couldn’t be it, he reasoned. If he had drunk excessively, his heart would surely be hammering in his chest right now. Furthermore, he had drank more caf in the past over much shorter amounts of time than what he had consumed this cycle thus far.

Unexpectedly his stomach let out a groan; a groan so loud that it actually startled him. Immediately Hux glanced around, mortified at the prospect that someone might have heard it. However, much to his immense relief, the corridor was mercifully empty.

He frowned, glaring down at his stomach as if it had personally betrayed him. Which he supposed in a way given the inconvenience it was causing him, it had.

He was beginning to think that perhaps it wasn’t just nausea after all. He cursed himself. He should have eaten that ration’s bar earlier in his office after all.

No matter how off-putting eating currently seemed, he couldn’t afford to ignore anything that could impede his ability to work. And so, repressing a sigh, he straightened up and continued walking.

Having memorised every single inch of the Finalizer like it was the back of his hand, he decided to take a quick detour, leading him to the nearest breakroom. It was one of the breakrooms designated for Stormtroopers and low-level trainee officers, certainly not somewhere someone of his stature and rank would ever be seen in. Or at least not until now that was.

Just as when he had entered the training hall, once the Stormtroopers as well as the trainee officers, saw his uniform, they instantly stood up and saluted him. While it was likely that given their ranks, most would never have actually met him in person, they would at least recognise him from his speech that had been broadcasted all over the galaxy just before Starkiller was fired for the very first time.

Despite more than a few of them having been in the process of eating, all of the Stormtroopers had hurriedly placed their helmets on over their heads as was protocol when in the presence of a high-ranking officer such as himself. Nevertheless, they weren’t nearly fast enough so that Hux missed the shocked expressions on their faces before their helmets forced them into anonymous obscurity. No doubt they were utterly baffled as to why General Hux, one of the highest ranking military leaders in all of the First Order had abruptly shown up in their breakroom of all places.

Hux, didn’t need to explain himself of course. He could go anywhere he so pleased. Nevertheless, unlike before, Hux felt no pride in seeing these Stormtroopers standing to attention at his presence, instead wishing that he had been able to enter the room unnoticed. The desire to be invisible in any situation was certainly an unusual one for him, one he hadn’t experienced since he was a young boy, usually when he wished to be hidden away out of sight and reach of his father.

“As you were,” Hux snapped somewhat irritably in a brief show of acknowledgement before making his way towards one of the vending machines that was situated against the wall in the back corner of the room.

Quickly he skimmed over the options. Unlike the officer’s lounge, there wasn’t all that much of a selection. A protein pack would be his usual choice but remembering the trouble he had biting into the ration bar the night before in addition to how he had had to practically force himself to finish the remainder of it that morning, he selected what looked to be some bland type of soup substance instead. At the very least, it would be easier to consume.

Unlike the nice steaming bowls of soup he was used, this soup was spurted out into a small and flimsy polystyrene cup. Staring down at it, he grimaced, unable to help but think how completely unappetising it appeared.

Hux immediately chided himself. Such a thought was of Ren’s influence. He had never cared about how things looked or tasted in the past as long as it provided him with enough nourishment and energy to fulfil his duties.

With the cup in his hand and without a single glance at anyone, Hux left. Once out in the corridor and out of sight of prying eyes, unable to wait, he took a small gulp of the soup – or at least what he believed to be soup. While nowhere near scolding, it burned slightly as it went down his throat, causing him to wince slightly. Still, it was a sensation he had gotten used to a long time ago back when he was a young officer and needed to down his caf quickly in between juggling his various duties.

Once he made it back to his office, he consumed the rest there, the soup having cooled down a great deal by that point. While still tasting unpleasant, he forced himself to swallow all the contents of the small cup. At the very least, pretending it was caf had seemed to help. It was just a pity he couldn’t do the same with ration bars or protein packs. Nevertheless, unfortunately the soup wasn’t quite as filling as he had hoped it would be.

Oh well, there was nothing to be done about it he supposed.

Perhaps he would attempt to eat something more substantial later. Not that he particularly wanted to however, Phasma’s question both reminding and cementing to him what Ren already had. Even if it hadn’t truly been what she was referencing when enquiring if he was alright, the knowledge that he had put on weight in addition to Ren commenting on it hung heavy like a lead weight in his stomach.

Sighing, he got back to work.

By the end of his shift, Hux found himself too tired to go through the process of actually eating. Instead he poured himself a glass of a particularly strong Corellian bourbon in the hopes that it would allow him to fall asleep more easily, something of which he occasionally resorted to when his insomnia was being particularly troublesome. He did try not to make a habit of it, however, not wanting to become depend on it for falling asleep.

Swallowing back half the glass, he tried to ignore the burn in his throat as it went down. He took a seat his desk and after a few minutes, he drank the remainder of it before pouring himself another glass, albeit not quite as much as before.

With very little in his stomach, the effects of the alcohol started to make quick work on him. As a result, it wasn’t long before he felt his eyes starting to glaze over as he did some work on his datapad. Wanting to make use of the alcohol induced lethargy, he hurriedly removed his clothes and climbed into bed. Unlike the previous two nights, it didn’t take too long for him to fall asleep.

Unfortunately, much to his dismay, Hux woke up again after a couple of hours and worst of all found himself unable to fall back asleep.

He debated having another glass, but while Hux knew that he could handle his liquor fairly well, already feeling so awful from the nausea and with having eaten so little, he didn’t want to run the risk of suffering a hangover for the coming cycle. Now was a critical time for the First Order and he needed his wits sharp and alert, especially if the Resistance were to suddenly make a move against them. Furthermore, turning up to the bridge in such a state would be completely unprofessional and something he would reprimand his subordinates severely had they had the gall to show up hungover.

After another hour or so of frustrated tossing and turning, Hux got up, deciding to make use of his inability to sleep by working on one of his side projects.

Taking a seat at his desk again, the weak and sentimental part of his brain wondered if he would have been able to sleep better had Ren been there lying next to him. The rational, dominant part however immediately quashed the thought.

“You seem exhausted. How much sleep have you gotten this past week?” Ren had asked him once as they lay in bed, not long into their…well, whatever it was that was going on between them.

“I don’t exactly make it a habit to count the number of hours of sleep I get on any given day, Ren,” Hux had snapped somewhat defensively, taking Ren’s question to imply that he was dissatisfied with his performance in bed, Ren having just fucked him minutes before. Ren of course being the one who had barged into his quarters uninvited, pinned him against the wall with that ridiculous strength of his and then ferociously kissed him. If he had been given the chance to protest, Hux would have most certainly done so.

Or well, probably…

Even when on the brink of exhaustion and wanting nothing more than to fall into unconsciousness, Ren was difficult to resist whenever he showed up like that. Nevertheless, Ren had absolutely no right to complain.

“Kriff, it was just a question,” Ren huffed out in response, “I was just thinking that perhaps you’re overworking yourself is all.”

It was true that Hux had been working particularly hard these past several weeks. With Starkiller in its final stages of construction, Hux had been diligently and perhaps a bit too obsessively focusing on overseeing its completion. This required him to be planet side a great deal more, all the while making sure things continued to run smoothly on the Finalizer as well as with the rest of the fleet. While loathe to admit it – and something he never actually would – he was beginning to feel stretched far too thin.

Hux snorted. “Some of us have _actual_ work. Deadlines to adhere to. We can’t all afford to be idle like you, Ren,” he retorted.

Ren’s eyes narrowed. “You know that isn’t true. I am anything but idle. I train and meditate every single day for hours on end to prepare myself for battle. I do what Leader Snoke commands of me and follow all his orders thoroughly.”

“Yes, yes,” replied Hux with a dismissive wave of his hand, “That’s all well and good for you being able to isolate yourself and do as you please on your own timetable, but I have a very strict schedule to maintain. Not to mention that I’m in charge of a star ship with thousands of men and women aboard, all of who rely on me every single moment of every day to lead and guide them to victory.”

Ren frowned. “Need I remind you, that I too am commander of this ship. Snoke put me in charge as well.”

Hux grimaced. How could he possibly forget? He had been infuriated at the time, trying his hardest not to let it show in front of the Supreme Leader less he be seen as ungrateful and petty. After all, what in the hell did Kylo Ren who wasn’t even part of the proper First Order military structure know about running a ship as grand as the Finalizer?

Thankfully his anger about having a co-commander had waned as time went on until it was only a slight irritation. He supposed that the amazing sex he and Ren had started having on a semi-regular basis probably had something to do with it.

But yes, of course Ren would shove his being co-commander of the Finalizer in Hux’s face. 

Just as he was about to retort with a question of what use or help Ren even was in the day-to-day running of the Finalizer, Ren continued.

“You should…” Ren stopped, trailing off, his eyes flickering downwards. If Hux didn’t know any better, he would say that the knight was hesitating. If that was the case, it was certainly the first time he had ever witnessed Ren doing so, Ren’s words usually always so curt and directly to the point. Really it was only after they had begun their little liaison that Ren had started to converse a bit more. Still, for Ren to falter, it was rather surprising.

Ren sighed. “You should rely on me more,” he said finally, lifting his eyes up to look at him.

“As your co-commander that is,” Ren quickly and somewhat awkwardly clarified, something of which Hux found strange as he wasn’t sure what else Ren would possibly be referring to. “I may not be around as often due to my missions for my master, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help with the day-today running of things when I’m here. I’m more than capable of issuing orders from the bridge. I am the leader of the order of the Knights of Ren after all, and I do have my own division of Stormtroopers directly under my command.”

Hux wanted to point out that that it was different thing entirely to be in charge of a crew made up of thousands than a squadron of Stormtroopers and some mystic force users who Hux had never actually seen before. But he kept his mouth shut; mainly because it hadn’t sounded like Ren was angry at Hux nor deliberately trying to rile him up, but that he truly was – Hux thought that perhaps for the first time in his life – trying to be helpful. Hux would almost consider it to be touching if he were so inclined to such needless sentimentalises.

He refused however to give Ren the satisfaction of appearing grateful. “Oh, and what about all your training and meditating? Surely actually helping with things on the ship would cut into those incredibly time-consuming activities?”

To his surprise, Ren didn’t take the bait, instead replying with a smug smile, “I’m sure I can manage. I’m a great multi-tasker.”

Hux sighed, relenting. “Fine. The superweapon aside, there are quite a number of tasks that need overseeing on the base itself. I usually prefer to supervise myself but with Starkiller on the verge of completion and with the need to unify all our forces, I’ve found my schedule somewhat hectic,” he explained, “It’s nothing I can’t handle of course, but if you really are that determined to make yourself useful then you can go planet side tomorrow and carry out an inspection to ensure that all operations are running smoothly and on schedule.”

Ren smiled. “I can do that.”

“Hmm. I should hope so.”

“Such a heavy workload. No wonder you’re so exhausted, General. Don’t worry I’ll help ease your burden,” said Ren teasingly, snaking his arm around Hux’s thin waist.

Ease his burden? If anything, Ren was far more likely to add to it…

Hux scoffed but didn’t batt Ren’s hand away as he likely would have done had he not been so tired.

“I’m going to sleep. You can leave or stay if you want. I don’t care either way,” said Hux turning over, Ren’s arm remaining curled around his waist.

Hux felt Ren tense behind him but after a moment or so he felt Ren nuzzle his neck lightly with his nose. “I’ll stay,” Ren answered, sounding almost gentle as he shuffled closer so that Hux’s back was now flush against his chest.

Hux closed his eyes and a minute or so later he was fast asleep, his last thought before nodding off being how wonderfully nice it felt to be held in such a way and by Ren of all people.

Hux believed that it might have been the fastest he had ever managed to fall asleep. At least since childhood. Regardless, he was far more likely to credit his exhaustion as the reason behind it rather than it being due to having Ren coiled around him.

Looking back, that had actually been the first time he had ever invited Ren to stay the night, or rather he supposed, let it be known that he didn’t mind if the knight slept there. Prior to that, Ren would always leave before Hux went to sleep. But after that first time, more often than not, Ren ended up spending the night – or afternoon depending on which shift Hux was on. Of course, the other night being the frustrating exception.

Hux could still recall being so shocked when he awoke the next morning, panicking when he felt another form pressed against him, and even more when he looked down and saw a ridiculously huge arm draped across his chest. Just as he had been about to jump out of bed and make a grab for his blaster, his mind conveniently supplied him with the memory that Ren had spent the night. He had slowly relaxed and shifting beneath Ren’s heavy but comforting arm, Hux turned over to face him, the other man still fast asleep. At the time Hux had thought Ren looked very serene while he slept, something of which given Ren’s temperament seemed like it should have been completely impossible.

Instead of immediately getting up to get ready for his shift as he usually did within minutes of waking, Hux chose to remain there in bed with Ren, allowing himself to bask in the unfamiliar comfort of being held after just waking up.

With the memory reaching its conclusion, Hux came back to reality with a start.

Groaning loudly, he pressed his hands against face, his palms digging into his eyes. Yet again Ren was domineering his thoughts despite his best efforts to avoiding thinking about him.

Pushing himself away from his desk, he got up and went over to the small glass table where his liquor rested. Grabbing the bottle of bourbon from earlier, he poured himself another glass.

Quickly he swallowed the contents and slammed it down on the table before climbing back into bed, hoping that unconsciousness would soon overtake him and that he could blot out the aching in both his stomach and his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Ren will finally be showing up again in the next chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

Unsurprisingly, the next morning when he awoke, Hux felt utterly terrible, experiencing what was the clear beginnings of a hangover. He immediately berated himself for having that last glass of bourbon, disgusted with himself for possessing so little willpower and even more so because it only served to remind him of his father. Brendol had lacked self-control when it came to his alcohol intake which in turn had often led to the man drinking excessively. Thankfully, Brendol tended to drink later on at night when Hux was out of sight, usually in his own rooms, studying or getting ready to go to sleep for the day, but the times that Brendol was in a particularly foul mood he would call Hux to his quarters and proceed to hurl verbal abuse at him, and occasionally hit him when the mood struck. That was if Sloane wasn’t on the same ship or facility, Brendol having taken her threat to kill him if he continued to hurt his son, completely seriously. Meanwhile, like the dutiful son – as well as the solider he was being groomed to become – Hux would stand there and take it all.

He wanted to vomit just thinking about the comparison to Brendol and his drinking habits. Although he imagined the fact that he was hungover and felt completely ghastly also played a part in it.

Once up, Hux hovered close by to the toilet for a minute or so just in case, but thankfully he was spared the indignity of throwing up. 

Hux got very little joy from his pre-shift cup of caf which that morning he actually had time to indulge in. As for eating, even if he had wanted to have something, he doubted very much that his stomach would be able to keep anything down. It was a risk that he didn’t want to take given how awful he was feeling already.

After finishing getting ready for his shift, Hux debated taking a stim shot. It wasn’t something he usually resorted to unless he was extremely overworked, such was the case in the run-up to the completion and firing of Starkiller. That or he would sometimes take one so as to air on the side of caution whenever he was about to carry out an important operation that required his upmost concentration, knowing that he couldn’t just duck out of the bridge and retrieve one if needed.

With a sigh he opened his wardrobe and from the bottom drawer that rested behind the door, he pulled out a small case of stims he kept on hand. Picking one up, he frowned as he stared down at it. Just looking at small container let alone actually administrating it made him feel so pathetically weak, hating himself for having to resort to taking it when neither of the scenarios he usually took them for were playing out. But as things currently stood, Hux was rather sure he wouldn’t be able to get through the cycle, let alone function enough to do his job without one. And so, gritting his teeth, he pulled up the sleeve of his uniform and injected the stim into his left arm.

Like the bourbon he had consumed the night before, the stim was particularly fast acting. As such, it wasn’t long before he started to feel the effects of it, the stim counteracting the unpleasant symptoms of his hangover and propelling him into a more heightened state of alertness. It would only be temporary fix of course, but feeling slightly more alive, Hux deposited the small case back into the drawer and after a moment or two to compose himself headed off to begin his shift.

The next week was hellish with Hux finding himself having to rely upon stim injections just to get through his shifts. Sims and a lot of caf, the latter of which Mitaka thankfully continued to supply him with regularly. Hux could tell that the young Lieutenant seemed concerned about him if the way Mitaka shuffled uncomfortably every time he stood in front of his desk as he served him caf was any indication. Again, anyone else and he would have presumed that they were plotting something against him.

While his uniform was perfectly pressed and immaculate like always, and his hair slicked back neatly with pomade, Hux was well aware that in every other respect, he was far from looking his best. Already possessing a rather pallid skin tone, his skin seemed to have only grown paler, his face becoming a sickly and wan colour that was even more striking thanks to the pronounced dark circles around his eyes. In other words, he looked a mess.

Having never put much thought in his physical appearance barring making sure that both his uniform and hair looked neat, Hux could only hope that as long as those things were presentable, and he was able to carry out his duties as always, then it would there would be nothing to worry about.

Perhaps that was why when Mitaka finally appeared to have gathered up the courage to inquire over his wellbeing, Hux ended up snapping at him.

“Sir, you’ve seemed a bit…” Mitaka stopped, hesitating, holding the tray that he used to deliver the caf with both hands, “Are you…”

“Am I what, Lieutenant!?” Hux yelled before Mitaka had even had the chance to finish. But honestly, after almost a week, he was unable to take the concern plastered on the younger man’s face any longer, “If you are somehow about to imply that I am unfit to do my duties then I recommend that you tread _very_ carefully.”

“No! Of course not sir! Not at all!” Mitaka cried, taken aback, “I-I would never!”

Hux narrowed his eyes. “Then I suggest you return to your duties and do not waste my time with inane questions any further.”

With that, Mitaka practically fled his office after giving him the fastest salute Hux had possibly ever witnessed.

Unsurprisingly, Mitaka didn’t return to his office for the rest of his shift and not long after, Hux regretted lashing out at him. Partly because he was no longer being provided with a refill of caf every couple of hours or so, but mainly it was that Hux very much disliked yelling at or berating his subordinates unless it was absolutely warranted. Unlike Ren he wouldn’t just lash out at them because he was foul mood – or physically assault them for that matter. At least that had been the case until today.

Mitaka certainly hadn’t done anything to invoke his ire. Phasma knowing was bad enough but she was a shrewd person in general, so it wasn’t too surprising that she would pick up on some. But for one of his subordinates to notice, well that was different. Perhaps he wasn’t doing quite a good a job of hiding as he had hoped.

At the very least, Hux doubted would go about gossiping. Regardless, Hux resolved to make it up to the Lieutenant at some point in the near future. In the meantime, he just desperately needed to get through whatever the kriff it was that was affecting him so badly. Unfortunately, he still couldn’t quite bring himself to eat anything more than a ration’s bar a day, if that. His attempts to consume anything more substantial such as a protein pack or noodles ended more often than not in failure with most of it going uneaten. As a result, Hux found himself not even attempting, unable to justifying opening either things if it they were simply going to go to waste. With a rations bar, even if he only took a couple of bites, he could still save the rest until a later time. While he could have gotten food that was easier to preserve, he had no desire to have a meal sent to his quarters, aware that it would only serve to remind him of Ren, the very person who had got him into this mess in the first place.

He continued to stand in front of his refresher mirror every evening after he undressed to go to bed – and sometimes in the morning if he could spare the time before his shift began – examining his body to make sure he hadn’t gained anymore weight. He had read somewhere that when it came to certain people and their metabolisms, that it sometimes took a while for the weight they had gained to actually show up and become noticeable. As such, Hux found himself often panicking that he would wake up one day and find his stomach even softer, and for weight to start showing up on other places. Most of all, he feared the fat going to his face given that there would be absolutely no way to hide it, his face the one place which he couldn’t conveniently conceal beneath his uniform. It was almost amusing that once upon a time, he had used his uniform to hide how thin he was. Now it was the opposite.

His issues with food aside, stims were the main things that kept him going, and each time he injected himself with one, he hated himself for having to take them. Still, they got the job done. The only problem of course was that due to their various side-effects, they amplified his insomnia. Hux didn’t want to use alcohol to help him fall sleep as it made him think of his father. He was aware that alcohol had also contributed somewhat to Brendol’s weight gain, his father seeming to forget about the calories that lurked in his liqueurs e drank.

In the end, he went to medbay to request – or rather demand which was probably more apt – some sedatives to help him sleep.

The doctor he had talked to seemed none too happy about prescribing some in addition to more stims, Hux having ran out of what he had stashed away in his drawer. However, given that his patient was a high-ranking General in the Order as well as the commander of the ship he was stationed on, the doctor sensibly gave Hux what he asked for without too much fuss. It did give Hux some satisfaction, positive that if it had been any other officer, the doctor would have no doubt put up more of a fight, if not refused their request outright.

The satisfaction was short-lived however, as the process of injecting a stim each morning he awoke began. This was followed by another injection half way through his shift and then once he was finished with his work for the cycle, he would take a sedative to help him get to sleep at night.

Hux knew what he was going wasn’t ideal but what other possible choice did he have? Everyone on the Finalizer depended on him. He couldn’t let his exhaustion get in the way of his duties. And with his sudden and strange aversion to food, he needed to get his energy for somewhere. Caf, sadly could only help so much.

At the very least, he wasn’t continuously burdened and distracted by hunger, another side-effect of the stims being that his appetite was greatly reduced to the point that it had become almost non-existent. That alone was a relief.

He hoped that eating less would help stop him from gaining any more weight. Who knew, maybe he would even get lucky and lose the weight he had put on recently and be back to normal by the time Ren returned from his mission; whenever that may be. Ren certainly couldn’t criticise him then.

Realising where his thoughts had headed, Hux gritted his teeth, quickly banishing them.

No, this had absolutely nothing to do with Ren whatsoever. Even if Ren had been the one to point it out to him, Hux certainly wasn’t attempting to do something about his weight for Ren’s sake, Ren whose muscles were so well-defined and impressive that of course anyone else near him would look out of shape. This was purely for himself and himself alone.

However, as easy as it was to tell himself that what he was going through had nothing to do with Ren, Hux knew that wasn’t quite the case. And as time went on, the further it occurred to him that Ren had contributed to weakness that had started growing inside of him. Hux had allowed himself to become comfortable. Idle even. Something needed to be done about it and as soon as possible.

Reflecting miserably on what he would have to do, Hux suddenly started to feel lightheaded. Despite sitting down, Hux found himself having to reached out and grab a hold of the desk in front of him for support, fearing that if he didn’t he would lose his balance and fall.

He cursed as he pushed himself away from the desk and sank back into his chair, aware that he still had more than half his shift left to go.

It seemed like he would have to take another stim despite it being earlier in the cycle than when he usually injected one. He debated powering through it but as another wave nausea washed through him Hux reached into his desk drawer and took one out. He pulled up his sleeve and injected himself, frowning as he stared down at the several needle puncture marks on his arm. There also happened to be beginnings of a small purplish bruise from when he had accidently pierced the skin too hastily the day before.

The bruise as well as the small pinpoint indents on his skin would heal of course but as his eyes rested on them, Hux felt sickened with himself.

Sighing, he reassured himself that he would be back to his normal self soon, that he just needed to persevere a little bit longer.

Sat at his desk in his own quarters, Hux stared down at the numerous sheets of blueprints that were scattered all over the top of it. They happened mostly to be of his original Starkiller design. Usually he wasn’t one to have his desk in such a state of disarray even whilst in the middle of working on an important project, but he was becoming more and more agitated making it difficult to keep things in any real semblance of order.

He wanted to design a new Starkiller weapon, particularly one in which the base would be completely impenetrable from outside forces and wouldn’t so easily succumb to the same unfortunate fate as the original had.

Much to his frustration however, despite his strong desire to push ahead with the new design, he was having difficulty with some of the calculations and as such found himself scraping blueprint after blueprint, all the while, racking his brain to come up with some sort of solution. Currently he was stuck on a calculation for what must have been over an hour now. Or at least, that’s what he estimated how much time had passed, having discovered over the course of the past several days that he was having some trouble gaging time accurately. Regardless, he was getting nowhere.

For whatever reason, he simply couldn’t think as clearly as he usually did. Presently, Hux could feel his heart racing in his chest and so at least knew that fatigue wasn’t the reason behind he was having such difficulty concentrating. He had always been proud of his ability to focus completely on any task at hand and not become distracted by nonessential activities or frivolous distractions. Contrary to what many of his fellow students back at the academy believed, it was because of such capabilities on his part and not any special treatment from his father – who treated him far more cruelly than any of them – that resulted in him rising to be one of the academy’s top-ranking student’s. But as of now it appeared that such an ability had left him completely.

It wasn’t as if he had never found himself stumped over a problem in the past. Hux was well aware that if you worked too long on something without any sort of respite then more often than not you became stuck on it. As such, he would occasionally take a short break before returning to the task with a clearer head. And while he had only been working a few hours so far this evening – admittedly after a particularly gruelling shift – it was something he knew he should apply to the present situation. To take a step back. Nevertheless, Hux found himself filled with fear that if he didn’t figure it out right now, then he never would be able to; the prospect of which was terrifying to him. After all, if he couldn’t even complete a simple calculation, then how could he possibly come up with a strategy to destroy the wretched Resistance once and for all and the lead the Order to victory?

What if this was as far as he could possibly go?

The firing of Starkiller had been his greatest triumph, and its destruction his greatest failure and disappointment. Or at least that had previously been the case.

As of the past week he was experiencing intense feelings of dejection, the kind of which he hadn’t felt since childhood. And to his complete incomprehension he somehow felt worse presently than when witnessing the destruction of Starkiller Base. It made absolutely no sense to him whatsoever, and as someone who extensively rationalised every decision he made and action he took, it was frustrating to say the least.

He tried to think about what was so different. He had felt the loss of Starkiller immensely that was true, but he also hadn’t been alone. Hux knitted his eyes closed, finding himself burdened with another realisation.

While Ren hadn’t had much stake in Starkiller Base himself, his interests laying elsewhere, he too had suffered defeat at the hands of the Resistance. Both of their prides had been wounded that day. For Hux, it had been the loss of what in a way could be considered his life’s work, while for Ren it was his defeat at the hands of that scavenger girl.

For anyone who would dare to wager on their duel, either from having witnessed Kylo Ren fight or having simply come face-to-face with the man at some point, it seemed an absolute certainty that Ren would emerge victorious, and even more so considering his opponent had never even wielded a lightsaber before then.

To Ren, it had been an absolutely humiliating defeat. Hux could still recall the expression on the knight’s face as he found him lying there in the snow after Snoke had ordered him to retrieve him from the crumbling planet. It had been a mixture of rage, disbelief and utter shame, the emotions seeming somehow more prominent thanks to the deep wound that marred Ren’s face.

Hux knew what it was like to feel shame, it having been a constant presence throughout his childhood and adolescence. As such, he refrained from commenting on Ren’s disgraceful loss. Instead Hux had crouched down, wrapping his arm carefully around Ren’s waist, mindful of Ren’s wound, and with the aid of a couple of Stormtroopers, had helped him to feet and guided him to the shuttle and back to the safety of the Finalizer before the planet imploded in on itself.

Ren had been completely silent on the journey back. Not that Hux had made an attempt to engage with him in conversation in any way; in that moment the both them far too focused on their own personal and distinct losses. The moment the shuttle reached the Finalizer, they each went their separate ways, neither saying anything. Ren went to medbay to have his injuries examined and treated, and Hux had gone straight to the bridge.

It wasn’t until over a day and a half later, once things had begun to calm down that he saw Ren again, each having given their reports concerning the matters of the destruction of Starkiller Base and the failure to secure Skywalker’s location to Snoke individually. Hux was on the brink of physical and emotional exhaustion and had only just gotten the chance to return to his quarters for a brief period of much needed rest when unexpectedly Ren showed up there barely ten minutes later. 

“Ren, I’m far too tired to –”

“I know,” Ren interrupted before he got the chance to finish, seeming to know what he was going to say, “I am too. I just wanted…” Ren trailed off and Hux sighed, stepping aside to let him in. Hux had wondered briefly if Ren had been waiting for him or if he had somehow sensed him returning to his quarters, but quickly dismissed it as nonsense.

Wordlessly Hux took off his uniform and let it fall to the floor – something he never did, proving just exhausted he truly was – before climbing into bed. Ren followed after, removing his own clothes as he did so. Hux heard him curse lightly, clearly still in pain from the injuries he had sustained. Again, it was a testament to how tired he was that he hadn’t even commented on the fact that Ren hadn’t seem to have treated his facial wound with any kind of bacta.

Originally facing away from him, the moment Hux felt Ren’s weight on the mattress next to him, Hux turned over, burying his face into Ren’s chest.

“Hux…” Ren said in the softest tone Hux had ever heard him use.

Hux didn’t respond. Instead he had simply closed his eyes as tightly as he possibly could. Ren in turn said nothing more, had simply wrapped his arms around Hux and shuffled closer.

The truth was he was happy that Ren had shown up at his quarters, having been too frightened to seek Ren out himself. Other than to discuss First Order business that concerned them both as co-commanders, or for the purpose of sex, Hux had never sought Ren out; business and sex seeming to be the only two acceptable reasons to do so. He had certainly never gone to Ren looking for any sort of comfort, the man more often than not being the source of his stress.

However, with everything he had just lost, Hux decided that just for once he would permit himself such an indulgence; would allow himself to seek solace in Ren’s arms, even when knowing that accepting it was a clear indication of weakness. Brendol would certainly claim so. But for night at least, he would allow it. And, it wasn’t as if he was alone in his desire for it. After all, hadn’t Ren come to him seeking some kind of comfort and reassurance? And not in the form of sexual intimacy either if Ren’s words were to be believed.

Reflecting back, Hux had liked having Ren there with him that night; someone who was perhaps just as much in pain as he was. It had been oddly reassuring, knowing that he wasn’t alone. But now he regretted it immensely. He should have been strong enough to get through the loss of Starkiller without Ren’s help. That he hadn’t was proof of how weak he had allowed himself to become. And now here he was, plagued with unnecessary emotions and incomprehensible thoughts.

Glancing down, Hux saw that his hands were trembling. Whether it was due to sickness or stress and panic, he wasn’t sure.

Grabbing, a hold of his right hand with his left one, he closed his eyes, willing them to stop shaking. It was very similar to what he experienced when he was young boy, although back then his entire body would shake. Hux knew that showing how frightened he was in front of his father would only make him lash out harder, almost as if he relished in his disgust and contempt towards his son. And while Brendol was no longer alive to do so, the version of the man that existed in Hux’s head was more than willing to take part in spouting vitriol at him.

Hux took a deep breath. Suddenly feeling very small and frightened. It seemed even in death, he couldn’t escape Brendol.

All of a sudden Hux found himself startled from his less than pleasant thoughts and memories when the comm to his quarters sounded loudly signalling that there was someone outside. Hux frowned, both irritated and thankful for the interruption.

Just as was about to stand up he realised that rather than his uniform he was wearing his nightwear of which consisted of shorts and a tank top. And while he was also wore a robe that covered him and would usually have no qualms about answering the door of his own quarters in such a state – he was off-duty after all – he was still feeling insecure about the current appearance of his body. This combined with the fact that he was unsure quite who it could be, made him anxious. If there was a problem on the bridge that required his attention then those on duty would comm him or contact him on his datapad. To actually come to his quarters was rather unprecedented.

Was it perhaps Phasma? They had had certain discussions here before, particularly when they needed to be far away from any prying eyes and ears. Those times she had been invited however and Hux doubted very much that she would just show up unannounced. 

He stood up, albeit too quickly, resulting in him having to reach out and grab on to his desk for support. His light-headedness had gotten worse, especially if he stood up too fast. 

After straightening himself up, he headed to the door. Again any other time – specifically when he was focused intently on a project – he would have been annoyed, but as he approached the door he only felt panic. Was it possible that one of their operatives or own people had been successful in locating the Resistance’s current whereabouts? Would the search and his ongoing shame at failing to wipe them out finally be over soon?

He could only hope, particularly as that was only a best-case scenario. The reality could be very different. And quickly Hux started to worry that what if in fact, the Resistance had been the ones to launch an offensive attack against them? Had attacked one of the ships in their fleet? Perhaps they were even getting ready to launch an assault on the Finalizer itself this very second!

But if so, then why in the hell hadn’t someone commed him?!

A dozen possibilities played out in his head as he pressed the panel next to the door, it whooshing open to reveal Ren standing there in front of him.

“Hey,” Ren offered as a way of greeting, a small hint of a smile on his face, while Hux’s own expression was one of shock. He had to admit, Ren showing up at his quarters likes this hadn’t been part of any of the scenarios he had envisioned at all.

“Ren,” Hux gasped, just barely able to stop himself from taking a startled step back.

Perhaps the Finalizer suddenly finding itself under attack wouldn’t have been the worst thing to occur after all…

“What…” Hux paused, taking a moment to clear his throat, “What exactly are you doing here?”

Ren smile faded, appearing displeased with Hux’s reaction. He snorted “Yeah, happy to see you too.”

Hux narrowed his eyes, unimpressed. Really, what in the hells had Ren expected from him? For Hux to leap into his arms with joy upon seeing him standing there? He certainly hadn’t done so the last time Ren had returned, and that was after having not seeing each other for far longer. Hux would however admit that back then he had found it rather difficult to engage in their usual sneering exchanges for long, it not taking much before he had given in and was kissing Ren instead. Admittedly, Ren had been just as – if not _more_ – eager as he had been.

Hux had felt ridiculously content in that moment as they had kissed, Ren having seemed just as gratified. Of course reflecting back with what he knew now, it was clear that the only thing Ren had been happy about in that instance was the knowledge he would be getting a quick fuck before he rushed off to his next mission. And here he was again looking for another.

Hux supposed Ren had been right when he had claimed he wouldn’t be away for as long. It had only been just over a week since he had –

Hux’s eyes widened, hit with a sudden realisation.

“Wait, when did you get back? Why wasn’t I informed?” Hux demanded, recalling his panic from just a minute ago. If Ren had returned, then he should have been notified instead of only finding out when he turned up outside his door.

“About an hour ago, I guess. As for why you weren’t informed, I have no idea,” Ren replied, offhandedly with a shrug.

“An hour! I can’t believe it!” shrieked Hux, furious. While it may not have been of an issue to Ren, for Hux it was absolutely imperative that he knew what was going on in his ship at all times; particularly when it concerned members of high-command. Or in this case the ship’s co-commander.

That he wasn’t notified of Ren’s return to the Finalizer was unacceptable. And while he wasn’t exactly unused to Ren showing up at his quarters unannounced, he certainly hadn’t been prepared for it given that he from what he knew Ren wasn’t even aboard. The fact that he had been caught off guard in such a manner only further added to the indignity.

“Wow, did you really missed me that much, huh?” chuckled Ren, appearing to completely misinterpret Hux’s reaction, “Well, I came here as fast as I could, but first I wanted to –”

Hux had absolutely no interest in what Ren was saying and before Ren could even finish, he turned on his heel and angrily stalked back towards his desk to retrieve his datapad. Whoever had been neglecting their duties would find themselves in a world of trouble. A demotion was certainly in order. If not worse!

Seeing his desk again after having stepped away from it, Hux could hardly believe what a complete and utter mess it was. He was positive that the shame that started to well up inside of him would have remained for quite a while had it not been swiftly replaced with concern when his datapad didn’t immediately jump out at him.

He groaned. It would be there somewhere, just buried under a mountain of blueprints it would seem. And so Hux started to search. However, what began as carefully shuffling around papers to retrieve it quickly devolved into agitatedly pushing them out the way as he felt around the desk for it.

He was rarely ever without his datapad, it either being within easy reaching distance, if not, at least close by so he could hear any important notifications.

Ren himself had commented derisively on the matter, claiming that he had obsessive attachment to it several times in the past.

“You’re off duty right now. Why do you even need it?” Ren had asked sounding utterly frustrated when Hux had announced his plans to get up to go retrieve his datapad.

“If there’s an emergency on the bridge I need to be able to be contacted right away,” Hux reasoned. Currently it was in the pocket of his greatcoat which happened to be lying unceremoniously on the floor. Ren had ambushed him right outside his quarters just half an hour earlier and unsurprisingly after several minutes of being pinned up against a wall in which they had hastily stripped each other of their clothes, they had ended up in Hux’s bed.

“I’m sure there’s someone else who could take command for a short time. And if it was real emergency they would come get you or announce a red alert,” Ren replied through a yawn, his arm currently slung around Hux’s waist.

“Oh, and what if it is Leader Snoke who requires my presence?” challenged Hux, “I doubt he would be pleased if I were to miss his summons due to not having my datapad at hand.”

“If my master needed to summon you, he wouldn’t have to rely on such a basic method,” said Ren, sounding slightly insulted, “He would use the Force to reach out to you, even as Force-null as you are.”

Hux snorted, wanting to point out if Snoke could communicate with him using the Force so easily, why did the both of them have to go him personally address him, either directly on the Supremacy or using the Finalizer’s ridiculously oversized holo-chamber.

He refrained however, mostly because he didn’t want to think about the possibility of Snoke swirling around in his head for a second longer.

“Regardless, I still need it,” Hux retorted, getting ready to climb out.

“Stay,” ordered Ren, tightening the arm around Hux’s middle, effectively trapping him in place.

“Ren!” Hux admonished but before he could say anything further, he watched on as his datapad slowly floated in the air towards him, coming down to land softly on his lap.

“Oh. Uh, thank you, I suppose,” said Hux, slight taken aback. As much as he thought most things regarding the Force was absolute nonsense, he still always managed to find himself somewhat mesmerised whenever he got the chance to witness Ren using it to move something whether it be a fairly light object such as his datapad or an opponent rivalling Ren’s own size if not larger.

He would never let Ren know of course. Although he had the sneaking suspicion that he was aware already.

“You’re welcome,” Ren replied with a shrug, nevertheless looking smug. As much as Ren liked to claim it was nothing, Hux knew that he liked to show off his powers. At least around him it seemed.

“Well, I suppose those mystical powers of yours really are good for something after all,” said Hux with a smirk, as he gazed down at his pad.

“Careful, Hux,” Ren warned, although Hux could hear little actual annoyance in Ren’s voice. He thought it almost amusing how much things had changed between them.

“Well, anything important?” Ren asked after a minute or so as Hux scrolled down through his notifications.

“Hmm. Nothing crucial it would seem.”

“Good,” said Ren and all of a sudden the datapad was removed from his hands, Hux giving a small cry of surprise as Ren used the Force to once again move it away. Rather than placing it back in the pocket of Hux’s greatcoat – which Hux presumed required more finesse than Ren was capable of if, it even was possible to be that precise – Ren put it down on the small table next to the side of the bed he was occupying out of Hux’s reach.

Hux glared at him. “Did you really have to use your powers to do that?”

“Nope,” Ren replied with a grin while Hux rolled his eyes.

Ren rolled over so he was on top of him, using his elbows to support his weight so he wasn’t crushing Hux from above. “You’re off-duty, General and no one is crying out for your help.”

“It does appear that way,” said Hux, staring up into Ren’s stupidly handsome face.

“Well then, shall we get back to what we were doing before?”

Hux smiled despite himself, reaching up to softly clasp Ren’s face. “Yes. Lets.”

While his datapad had been out of his reach on the bedside table, he had known where it was. Presently however it was nowhere to be seen. At the very least it wasn’t on his desk, any of the papers that could have possibly been obscuring it from view scattered chaotically on the floor. Hux’s panic amplified as he realised that he had been sat at his desk without it for what could have possibly been hours. Or if Ren’s estimation of when he had arrived back on the Finalizer was correct then at least an hour.

So that was it. He hadn’t been aware of Ren’s return not due to a lack of communication on the behalf of one of his officers but because of his own negligence.

“Kriff!” he cursed, unable to stop himself as he thought about how many other important messages he could have missed during that time.

“Hux, what’s wrong?” Ren’s concerned voice came from behind him just as he felt a hand upon his shoulder.

Hux startled, turning to glower at Ren. It seemed while he had been searching his ransacking his desk, Ren had taken it upon himself to enter his quarters uninvited.

Hux shrugged him off and ignoring Ren’s question hurried over to where his greatcoat hung, hoping to find his datapad nestled in one of its pockets. He cursed once more when he found that it wasn’t. Neither did it seem to be on either of the small sets of drawers that rested next to his bed.

He headed into the living area, hearing Ren once again ask what was wrong.

Hux promptly scanned the room but it couldn’t see it at all. For a moment his eyes lingered on the dining table. It had been awhile now since he had actually sat there for any length of time, the last time properly having been with Ren before he had went on his mission before last. Usually Hux just ate his dinner at his desk. Not that he had actually been really eating any meals lately. At least not enough that would count as a full one.

Frowning, Hux turned away only to almost collide almost directly with Ren. “Ren!” Hux gasped as Ren reached out to steady him. Hux was slightly aghast at the fact that somehow Ren had managed to sneak up next to him twice now without him realising.

“Hux, come on talk to me,” Ren pleaded, holding Hux by both his shoulders, “What’s got you so worked up. You’re not acting like yourself.”

“Let go of me!” Hux ordered, trying to twist out of Ren’s grasp. Ren however, was far stronger than Hux, managing to hold him in place was relative ease. It was frustrating, although not nearly as much as him getting in the way of Hux’s search.

“No. Not until you tell me what’s wrong,” Ren retorted, his brow furrowed.

“I’m fine!”

“You’re clearly not!” yelled Ren.

Ren sighed. “Look, just talk to me, okay? Tell me what’s going on,” he urged more gently. It was strange hearing him use such a tone of voice.

Hux relented, his fists clutched futilely by his side. “It’s… It’s my datapad. I can’t find it! I don’t know where it is.”

In response, Ren gave him an incredulous look. “That’s the reason you’re freaking out like this? Because you can’t find your datapad?” Ren asked, disbelievingly.

Anger flared up inside of Hux. Ren thought he was overreacting. “I am _not_ freaking out!” he cried, the slight hysteria in his voice betraying him.

He should have known that Ren wouldn’t be capable of understanding. As much as they were both co-commanders, Ren had no idea all of what was required of him, of actually running a ship, not just giving orders during battle. Hux had to be alert and ready at all times. Primed of everything that went on on the Finalizer. Even if the smallest thing went wrong it could have an adverse effect on the functionality of the entire ship.

“You are! Look you need to try and calm down, okay? Just take a deep breath.”

Calm down? Hux would most certainly not be told to _calm down_ by someone who threw temper tantrums over the smallest of things! Who destroyed thousands of credits worth of equipment simply because they were in a bad mood and needed to lash out at something like a petulant child.

“Ren. Let me go. _Now_.” he instructed, his tone razor sharp as his eyes bore daggers into Ren.

Several moments passed but Ren did as he asked, letting Hux go and taking a step back. Hux noted that Ren didn’t even look annoyed. If anything he appeared worried more than anything else, and yet somehow that only served to infuriate Hux more than if he had been angry.

Without another word, Hux brushed past him.

When he went into the fresher and saw his datapad sat there next to the sink, Hux felt beyond relieved. Picking it up, he typed in his passcode and quickly began scanning down at his notifications – there weren’t too many, thank stars – stopping when he came across the message that announced Lord Ren’s arrival back on the Finalizer. It had been sent to him just over an hour ago which confirmed Ren’s estimation of when he gotten back, and by Mitaka of all people. He still needed to properly make it up to the young Lieutenant from before, but that was a matter for another time. 

As for finding his datapad in the refresher, Hux often brought it in there when he showered or thought he might take a while, placing it nearby so he could hear the notification of the built in comm should something urgent crop up that required his attention. But for whatever reason, he had forgotten to take it out with him when he had finished up earlier.

Always so meticulous, it honestly shocked Hux how neglectful he had been. And even more so when he considered how long had passed before he realised that it wasn’t there next to him. Even off-duty, unless he was as asleep, he would check for any messages or updates on the goings-on of the ship every hour or so. And while it wasn’t unusual for him to get lost in whatever project he was absorbed in, this had been different.

“So, you uh found it then?” Ren asked awkwardly as Hux walked out of the refresher. Given that Ren could clearly see it there in his hands, thought it was a redundant question and any other time he would have commented it. Instead he remained silent, feeling just as awkward as Ren sounded.

Finally being able to bring himself to look up from the datapad to Ren, Hux remembered how he had come to leave it there in the first place. The refresher mirror had been steamed up after he had gotten out of the shower making it difficult to see and judge his reflection clearly. As such, he had ended up going straight to the bedroom to check himself over in the mirror there. To examine his body and make that he hadn’t–

“Hux, you…you really don’t look good at all,” said Ren, frowning.

Hux stilled at Ren’s words. “What?”

“You look like you’re ill. You’re really pale,” continued Ren as he scrutinised Hux, “Even more so than usual, which to be honest I didn’t think was even possible.”

Anger brimmed inside of Hux.

“Are you? Ill I mean? Because if you’re not feeling well then maybe you –”

“I’ve told you already that I’m fine!” Hux snapped back.

“Really? Because you don’t seem that way at all,” Ren replied calmly. And for some reason the fact that Ren wasn’t shouting as he so often did whenever they got into a disagreement was bothering him greatly.

“Oh and what would you know about it?” Hux shot back. How dare Ren suddenly show up at his quarters unannounced after being absent and assume to know how he felt?

“Well, for starters, the energy around you it’s all –” Ren began, but Hux swiftly cut him off.

“Energy around me? Don’t give me any of that bantha-crap, Ren,” Hux sneered, mockingly, “You can move objects because of some nonsensical mystical powers you possess. Don’t try and pretend that its anything more than that.”

“It’s not nonsense!” growled Ren. “The Force is something far greater than anything you could possibly comprehend!”

Hux smirked. Of course. Say anything disparaging about the Force and Ren would fly into an automatic rage. So predictable.

“Oh, that’s perfectly fine with me. I have no absolutely no intention of trying to comprehend your precious Force. I have far more important things to focus my intention on. Things that aren’t a complete waste of time.”

“How can you say that!? The Force is –” Ren stopped talking and took a deep breath as if trying to calm himself, apparently employing the advice he had offered Hux. If it had been any other time Hux would have been impressed with the restraint Ren was managing to show.

“Look, can we start over? Just forget about it?” said Ren with a frustrated sigh.

“Yes. Lets,” Hux replied coolly, hoping that Ren was including his insistence that Hux wasn’t fine in that and it wasn’t just to get him to shut up about the Force.

A silence followed as Hux unsure what to say, the datapad in his hands feeling woefully heavy. He hadn’t meant to get into an argument, but between the two of them, it was something that occurred easily. Although they did argue far less in recent times.

In the end, it was Ren who spoke up. “I know it’s late but since you don’t have the most regular patterns when it comes to eating I was thinking if you haven’t had anything already, we could order some food to the room?” Ren suggested lightly, the annoyance from his voice gone. Hux meanwhile felt his entire body tense at the suggestion, something of which to anyone else would seem innocent enough. “We could catch up on things as well. I know last time we didn’t really get the chance to talk much. Anyway, I’m pretty hungry and it’s been awhile since we–”

“No!” Hux cried out, “I mean…You should probably just leave.” He still hadn’t been able to bring himself to eat much in the week that had passed and the thought of eating in front of Ren made his stomach churn horribly.

He was also uncomfortable that he wasn’t wearing his uniform, it making him feel more exposed than ever before. It was something that he knew didn’t make much sense given that Ren had seen him naked a multitude of times. But well-padded, his uniform would have concealed any weight he may have put on in the past week – despite inspecting his body earlier he had been unable to tell if he actually had – but after showering it had made sense to change into his nightwear considering he hadn’t been expecting anyone. And again while he was wearing his robe, he knew that it wouldn’t hide any possible weight gain quite the same way his uniform did, especially around the stomach area.

He supposed it was somewhat redundant to be worried when Ren already knew that he had gained weight having been the person to alert him to it. Still, Ren hadn’t brought it up thus far and Hux didn’t want to do anything that would risk reminding him.

Then again, Ren had just told him that he didn’t look good at all.

Maybe when he said that Hux looked ill, it was really his subtle way of saying he was –

No. Ren wasn’t that tactful, Hux reminded himself. Ren would surely just come out and say it.

Ren, meanwhile looked disappointed. “I only just got here,” he complained, awakening Hux from his thoughts.

“Yes. Well, you did show up here uninvited and as you can see, I’m very busy at the moment,” Hux responded, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice.

He watched as Ren’s eyes flickered over to his desk where the scattered blueprints he had been working on lay in disarray on the floor. Shame flared up inside of Hux as he remembered how he had behaved earlier, rushing about his quarters frantically – or f _reaking out_ as Ren had put it – to locate his misplaced datapad. It was certainly no dignified way for an officer of the First Order to behave, let alone a high-ranking General.

What would his father think of him?

_Pathetic boy. You never fail to remind me that I’ve been right about you all these years._

He clenched the datatpad between his fingers, his breath quickening. If someone other than Ren had seen him act in such a manner, he would have surely done everything power to make them disappear. It was no wonder that Ren didn’t believe him when he said he fine.

“Hey, maybe you should take a break? Try and relax. If you’re not hungry we could still –”

Hux slapped Ren’s hand away as the knight went to reach out to him. “Don’t touch me!” he cried, taking a step back.

Ren looked momentarily taken aback by Hux’s reaction before glaring at him fiercely. “What’s your problem!?”

Hux didn’t answer which only seemed to anger Ren further.

“Fine!” yelled Ren as he turned and started to stomp away, no doubt furious at being denied. “I’ll come back tomorrow. Maybe you won’t be in such a piss poor mood then.”

“No,” he said after several moments, quietly but loud enough that Ren could still hear him.

Ren stopped, turning back around to face him. “No, what? You don’t want me to leave? Make up your mind already,” Ren chided. However, had he not be so consumed with the misery of what he had to do, Hux may have heard the note of hopefulness in Ren’s voice.

“No. Don’t come back here.”

Ren brows furrowed in confusion. “I don’t understand. What do you mean don’t come back?”

“I don’t want to see you anymore,” said Hux, forcing himself to look at Ren. “Obviously with us both being commanders of this ship as well as high-ranking members of the Order, it will be impossible for us not have regular interactions, but unless it concerns official Order business, I would prefer if you kept your distance.”

Ren looked shocked. It was an expression Hux had never seen on the other man before, and while once upon a time he would have taken pleasure in seeing Ren looking so alarmed and caught off guard, presently he didn’t care for it in the slightest.

“I don’t get it. What exactly are you trying to say?”

Hux sighed. “I want to end this. Or well, whatever it is that’s been going on between us these past months. It was a pleasant enough distraction but now it’s…it’s become something of an inconvenience to me.”

“Inconvenient?” said Ren disbelievingly.

“Yes. I’m afraid I don’t have the time for it anymore. I’m far too busy with my many duties.”

“How, exactly? What’s suddenly changed that you’re so busy now?” Ren challenged.

“If you aren’t aware already, we recently lost the most important weapon in the Order’s arsenal,” explained Hux, shoving his anxiety deep down inside of him, “When Starkiller Base was destroyed we also lost a great deal many officers and stormtroopers in addition to a significant amount of our resources. Furthermore, there is the rather troublesome fact that we have failed repeatedly in locating the Resistance’s current whereabouts. If the Order is to continue moving forward we must redouble our efforts and take charge. Everything else I consider to be a hedonistic indulgence. Completely unnecessary.”

“You can do those things and still have a personal life, Hux!” retorted Ren, “Besides, you aren’t the only one who wants do what’s best for the Order.”

Hux snorted. “When have you ever really given a shit about the Order, Ren? Everything you do is for yourself and yourself alone. If you had done what was necessary before, you would have put all your efforts into obtaining the droid that could have led us to Skywalker instead of wasting your energies on that wretched scavenger girl. You put your own interests above the Order and look where it’s led us. You were defeated and the Resistance escaped unscathed.”

Intense fury emanated from Ren as Hux threw the shame of his failure on Starkiller Base in his face. Even with all the frustration he had felt at the time, Hux had refrained from berating Ren for his error in judgement. He had failed that day too after all.

Ren stalked towards him. “You don’t know anything!” he shouted, somehow managing to tower over Hux despite the scant amount of difference in their heights. Hux however refused to back down, standing his ground.

“Oh, what, did I strike a nerve?” Hux scoffed, “The defeat you suffered on Starkiller Base was rather humiliating after all.”

Ren raised his hand but not to physically strike him – at least not with his fist – his fingers contorting in a way that indicated to Hux that that he was about to use the Force.

Hux had witnessed Ren using the Force on others before, usually in battle. He had just never considered being on the receiving end. Originally because he knew Snoke wouldn’t permit it and then because of what had developed between them.

Despite himself, Hux flinched, closing his eyes as he waited for an onslaught of pain to befall him. For a brief moment he couldn’t help but thinking of Brendol.

No pain came however. And as Hux opened his eyes, he saw realisation dawn upon Ren’s face as he lowered his hand. No longer appearing angry, Hux thought that Ren looked ashamed with himself.

It was a feeling that Hux was familiar with.

Ren sighed heavily. “Is that all I was? I mean, what _we_ were? Just some distraction for you in between work?”

Hux bit his lip nodding slowly, it taking all his resolve not to glance away. “Yes. I needed some form of release at the time and so did you, Ren. But now, well, it’s something I just can’t justify indulging any longer. We both got what we needed, so like I said, let’s just end it here.”

“I see,” said Ren, his voice sounding strangely devoid of emotion, the same way Hux used to think he sounded like through the vocoder in his helmet.

“If that’s what you really want then I’ll leave you be.”

“It…It’s what I want, yes,” Hux confirmed, his own voice meanwhile sounding shamefully small.

“Alright then.” Ren turned and started to walk away, Hux watching him as he went. He realised that this would likely be the last time Ren would ever be in his quarters.

After pressing the panel to open the door, Ren paused, and not looking back, said “Goodbye, _General_.”

With those parting words Ren left, Hux remaining where he was stood as if completely rooted to the spot.

 _General_. It had been a long while since he last heard Ren say his title quite like that. He didn’t like it but he supposed that was there was no need for them to act with any sort familiarly anymore. He should be pleased that Ren hadn’t kicked up a fuss, that he was respecting his wishes to end what they had. It’s what he wanted. After all, it was Ren’s presence in his life that had caused him to become so soft, and in a position such as his, Hux couldn’t afford any kind of weakness, no matter how small. It was the most important lesson Brendol had ever taught him, and despite his hatred for the man, he took it to heart..

It was for the best, he reminded himself. And yet somehow it didn’t feel that way at all, as if something had just been ripped away. His chest ached horribly and he knew it wasn’t from the nausea or fatigue nor even the heart palpitations he had been experiencing.

“Pull yourself together,” Hux spoke quietly to himself out loud, his arms coming to wrap themselves around him. However, he knew the only true comfort he would get would be held in Ren's. But it was too late for that now.

“Pull yourself together!” he shouted this time, his voice cracking.

It was only when he felt a tear trickle down his cheek that Hux realised that for the first time in almost two decades he was actually crying. And in that moment it took everything he had not to crumble and fall to his knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for reading so far! Comments and kudos are much appreciated. :)
> 
> Feel free to hit me up on [tumblr](https://yanyangire.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/yangiretrash).


	5. Chapter 5

Hux suppressed a groan as slowly he started to wake up. His head ached awfully and his mind felt strangely fuzzy; unpleasantly so.

Had he been drinking again? He had resolved to stop when he realised that doing so could easily lead to weight gain, something he desperately wanted to avoid at all costs. But even more importantly, he hadn’t wanted to risk waking up and feeling horribly hungover before he began a shift. However, given that he had just woken up and was feeling so wretched…

Stars, had he really been that weak-willed that he had given in so easily; the exact same way Brendol had always done so whenever he succumbed to stress?

Hux couldn’t even remember pouring himself a drink in the very place. And while in the past, there were times he may have drank more than was probably wise, he had never drunk to such excess that he had ever forgotten what had happened before climbing into bed and falling asleep.

But as he tried to reflect back on the previous day, he realised that he couldn’t actually remember going to bed that night at all.

His mind blank, Hux forced his eyes opened, wincing as he was greeted by a bright light shining from above him.

Had he even forgot to switch the lights off? Often he would be reading and getting in some last-minute work using his datapad after climbing into bed, but he would always give a verbal command for the lights to turn off the moment he placed his datapad down and intended on sleeping for the evening.

His eyes finally adjusting to the brightness, Hux became aware that the ceiling above him appeared different, most strikingly it appearing to be further away from him than usual. It was at that that he realised that he wasn’t in his quarters let alone in his own bed.

Panic surged through Hux as he bolted upright, pain gripping his side as he did so. He gasped loudly, grimacing.

“Hey, take it easy!” came a familiar voice, along with the loud clattering of what sounded to be some stool or chair.

Hux immediately felt an arm snaking around his shoulders, steadying him. “Relax, everything’s okay. You’re alright.”

“Re-Ren?” stuttered Hux in surprise as he glanced over at the knight.

“Yeah, it’s me. Just lie back, okay?” Ren ordered gently, slowly guiding him back down onto the mattress. Hux tried to resist, but as he reached his hand out to push Ren away, he realised that his arm was attached to an IV drip. His eyes widened at the sight.

Just what in hells had happened to him?

“I don’t understand,” said Hux, unable to keep the alarm out of his voice as he stared up at Ren, “What’s going on? Where am I?”

“You’re in medbay. You were hurt,” Ren explained patiently, his hand resting against Hux’s shoulder.

Hurt? When? And who would even –

Hux’s eyes widened, his panic returning. “The Resistance! It was them wasn’t it?! Did they attack the Finalizer? Is that why I’m here?” Hux demanded, frantically. “How severe is the damage to the ship? Were we at least able to take down some of theirs?”

“Hux! Calm down!” cried Ren, “It wasn’t the Resistance. And the ship, it wasn’t attacked. It’s fine, I swear to you.”

Not believing that Ren would lie to him about such a thing, Hux let out a small sigh of relief, his head falling back against the pillows. For him to be injured and out of commission while the Resistance attacked was unthinkable. And if he was hurt, it was likely that the bridge would have been hit considering that was most certainly where he would have been during an attack.

“Wait. If it wasn’t the Resistance then how did I end up here?”

Ren who had remained standing frowned down at him. “You don’t remember?”

Hux didn’t and that frightened him. He couldn’t remember anything. He had no memory of either being injured or having been brought to medbay.

But if the ship hadn’t been fired upon, had he alone been attacked by someone? And if not by the Resistance then who?

It wouldn’t possibly be any of the Stormtroopers who as the result of their conditioning, were far more likely to take a blaster bolt to the face than harm a superior officer or let harm come to them, especially someone in Hux’s position. And as for it being an officer, any officer worth their rank who wanted him dead would have at least made sure to have disposed of him discreetly and made sure for certain that the job had been done correctly.

“You collapsed,” Ren told him finally when he didn’t respond.

Hux furrowed his brow, positive that he had misheard. “I what?”

“You passed out in one of the corridors not too far from the bridge. Your shift had finished one hour prior so I assume you were returning to your quarters when it happened.”

“No. There must be some kind of mistake.” While it was true that he hadn’t exactly been feeling particularly well as of late and was subject to bouts of faintness in addition to fatigue, it wasn’t bad enough that he would collapse surely. 

Ren let out a sigh as if he had been fully expecting his denial. “It’s the truth, Hux. Two Stormtroopers were rounding the corner towards the corridor you where in just as you fainted. They saw it happen. You hit your head against the wall as you fell.”

Hux wanted to protest, to claim that the Stormtroopers were clearly lying. But to do so would be ridiculous. They would have absolutely no reason to do so.

As for his head meanwhile, he supposed that explained why it was hurting so much. Hux raised his hand to it. There was a bacta-patch resting against his forehead, positioned slightly towards the right side of his skull. The right side of his body also ached and reaching down towards his waist, wincing slightly as he did so, he found another bacta patch placed there.

“You hurt your ribs but thankfully nothing was broken,” Ren told him.

“I see.” If that was the case, the bacta-patches would surely heal them in no time.

“Was there anyone else in the corridor when I…. when it happened?” Hux asked hesitantly, “Other than those two Stormtroopers that is?”

“What has that got to do with anything?” questioned Ren, confused.

“Because it wouldn’t be good for morale if anyone, particularly any officers under my direct command, were to witness their superior officer collapse right in front of them,” Hux retorted, annoyed that Ren didn’t seem to grasp what the issue was.

Ren meanwhile stared at him disbelievingly. “Seriously? That’s what your concerned about? Not the fact that you passed out in the first place?”

Hux frowned. Of course he was concerned about that, but the image he projected to his officers was of far more importance. In all likelihood it was why Brendol had lasted quite as long as he had. No one ever saw him at his absolute worst; what he was truly like behind closed doors. How he had taken his frustrations out on his son by physically and emotionally abusing him. How he had gorged on food and overindulged in alcohol to manage his stress and mask his fears. There were even those who had revered him, like that absolute fool, Cardinal. Only people like himself and Rae Sloane had seen Brendol for the weak-willed man that he truly was.

“I don’t think so,” said Ren with a sigh after several moments, seeming aware that Hux wasn’t going to let it go.

Hux realised that it was a stupid question to ask Ren given that he wouldn’t have physically been there when it had occurred and so couldn’t have possibly seen. Hux supposed at the very least that he should be grateful that he hadn’t passed out whilst on the bridge. The thought of doing so in front of all his subordinates filled him with mild horror. He just hoped that those two Stormtroopers would exercise some discretion regarding the matter.

However, perhaps he should try and track them down to make sure…

“Wait. How long have I been unconscious for?” Hux asked suddenly. The room lacked a clock and so he was unsure of the actual time. Ren had said he had likely been returning to his quarters when he had collapsed giving him a brief estimate of when it happened, but he had no idea how much time had passed since then.

“I think about fourteen hours or so.”

“What!?” He had expected Ren to tell him a few hours at most, not that over half a cycle had gone by!

“How could I possibly have been out that long?!” cried Hux, stunned.

“You didn’t just faint, you know. You hit your head as well, remember?” Ren replied, “The doctors said you should be fine but that you –”

Hux didn’t let Ren finish, quickly throwing back the bedsheets covering him while trying to ignore the pain in his side as he moved.

“Hey, what are you doing?” asked Ren, placing his hand firmly on Hux’s chest to stop him.

“I need to get to the bridge. Depending on the time, my shift is either just about to start or has already begun.” He had had never once been late for the start of a shift and he didn’t intend to start now, not if there was still time.

Glancing down at himself, Hux saw that he was wearing only a medical robe, his uniform missing. He felt uncomfortably bare without it and the thought of someone undressing him, distressed him. He could only hope that it was a droid that had been given the task. Regardless, he hadn’t the time to dwell on it presently. He desperately needed to get going.

“Where’s my uniform?” he asked somewhat frantic, his eyes scanning the room.

He would also need a nurse or medical droid to remove his IV drip. Then again, perhaps he could just yank it out. It would be faster and it shouldn’t –

“Are you insane?” Ren sounded aghast, grabbing Hux’s hand as he went to detach the drip from his hand. “You passed out and injured your head. You’re not going to the bridge, or anywhere else for that matter.”

Hux glowered at him. “I beg your pardon?”

“Hux, you _need_ to rest.”

“Clearly I’ve rested long enough. _Fourteen hours_ for that matter,” Hux retorted tugging his hand free out of Ren’s grasp. “Honestly, the doctors could have given me a stim to wake me up instead of just leaving me to lie here. Where are they anyway? As I said, I require my uniform. Shouldn’t there at least be a med-droid hovering somewhere nearby?”

“There’s no way the doctors are going to allow you to just walk out of here,” said Ren, continuing to gaze upon him with disbelief.

Hux snorted. “Clearly, you forget who I am. The doctors wouldn’t dare go against my wishes And I am more than within my rights to discharge myself if I see fit. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

Hux attempted to move again only to find that his muscles weren’t responding to his commands. Panic arose within him at the thought that perhaps he had hurt himself more severely than what the doctors had thought. However, his fear was quickly replaced with anger when he realised that Ren was the one holding him in place using the Force.

“Ren!” shouted Hux. At the very least he could still talk.

“You’re staying right here. You need time to recover.”

“Let go of me!” demanded Hux, struggling in vain against the invisible energy binding him in place. But as he continued to do so, he began to feel more and more breathless, and a moment later found himself wheezing desperately for air.

“Hux? Hux!” The power holding him immediately dissipated.

Coughing, Hux’s hand went to his throat as he hunched over on the bed. Ren meanwhile grabbed a hold of him, once again steadying him.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay. Just breathe.”

Hiss coughing slowly started to subside as he attempted to take in as many deep breaths as he could manage.

“Shit. I’m really sorry,” Ren told him apologetically. “Just try to calm down, alright?”

“Stop bloody telling me to calm down!” Hux tried to yell, only for it to come out sounding pathetically hoarse.

“Here, lie back,” said Ren, guiding him properly back onto the bed and placing the covers back over him. It made Hux feel like some helpless child but he let Ren do so without protest, having no energy left to even attempt to try and resist him.

Hux felt absolutely exhausted. He may have been unconscious for fourteen hours but he certainly hadn’t managed to achieve any actual rest during that time. Closing his eyes, he shoved his head back harshly against the pillows in frustration.

When he finally opened them again, he saw that Ren was staring down at him with an expression of pity etched on his face. It was unbearable. He couldn’t stand it, wanting to scream at Ren to just leave. Furthermore, despite his anger towards him, Hux still didn’t want Ren to see him in such a wretched and pathetic state.

It was at this, that his memories of the other day came rushing back to him; of Ren showing up at his quarters unannounced, Hux not aware that Ren was even back on the Finalizer. That was followed by a shouting match, both of them furious at the other. And lastly, Hux telling Ren that he had been using him as distraction; that he didn’t wish to see him anymore. At least not out with any official First Order business.

And then to his surprise, perhaps for the first time ever, Ren hadn’t offered up any resistance; hadn’t fought him at all, simply accepting his words and leaving.

That was two cycles ago now and Hux hadn’t seen him since, Ren true to his words that he would leave him be.

Hux, in a moment of immense weakness had broken down after Ren had exited his quarters. He blamed it on his exhaustion of course, convincing himself that he would feel better the next day; that pushing Ren away had been a necessary sacrifice. Ren had softened him after all, and he needed to get back to his old self as quickly as possible. But in the end, forcing him away hadn’t helped, instead it leaving Hux feeling just as empty as his stomach undisputedly was.

Somehow it felt to Hux as if he was being eaten from the inside, both physically and emotionally. And now here Ren was, next to his bedside, ordering him about like he had any right to do so whatsoever. He found it both infuriating and demeaning. There was also the fact that he had no idea why Ren had been here when he had woken up. Had Ren simply been checking in on his co-commander and he had just happened to wake up not long after Ren had arrived? Or had he been here longer than that?

Just as he was about to question him about it, Ren suddenly spoke up.

“Why, Hux? Why the kriff did you do this to yourself?” asked Ren, his fists clenched by his sides as if he was trying to hold something back.

Hux narrowed his eyes, offended by the question. “What do you mean why did I do this to myself? What kind of idiotic question is that? It’s not as if I chose to collapse purposely.”

“I’m not talking about that!” Ren snapped, “I’m talking about the fact that you’ve practically been starving yourself these past couple of weeks!”

Hux’s eyed widened, caught off guard, having not expected his recent eating habits to be brought up in any sort of discussion. “I…I haven’t been starving myself.”

“I don’t know where you got such an idea,” he said with a scoff, hoping to put Ren off discussing it any further.

The attempt failed however. “The doctor and med-droid who examined you sure think you’ve been, or at the very least, you’re not eating anywhere near the amount you should be. They say you’re suffering from malnutrition. It’s affecting your health, and that’s on top of you abusing all those stims and sedatives as well.”

“I have not been abusing anything!” Hux retorted, angry as the insinuation.

He paused, and aware that he needed to regain his composure, took a deep breath. “I’ve been taking stims because I’ve been mildly fatigued and simply wished to maintain my usual level of productiveness. Officers often take stims to keep them alert when need be. As a practice there’s nothing unusual about it,” he explained, “And as for the sedatives, I’ve regrettably been suffering from a slight bout of insomnia so have been using them to aid me in getting to sleep. Again, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.”

Ren laughed, an awful humourless sound. “You actually believe what you’re saying?”

Hux glared at him. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Well, for starters, the med-droid that did your blood work said that the level of stims in your system is dangerously high and above what is considered safe. And the risk of suffering ill-effects has only been made worse by you taking sedatives at the same time.”

“Why has the medical personnel here been telling you all of this?!” Hux demanded, furious that his privacy had been breached and that he had to learn what the supposed reason behind him collapsing was from Ren of all people; Ren who presently happened to be the absolute last person he wanted to have any dealings with.

“That is private medical information. It should be completely confidential! You have absolutely no business knowing any of that.”

“It is _my_ _business_ when my co-commander and the person in of charge of the daily running of the ship passes out due to neglected health,” Ren shot back.

As well as general irritation over the fact that Ren was implying that he had been neglecting his own health, Hux felt a strange stab of disappointment at Ren’s words. Of course that was why he was here. As much as he may not like it, the man was co-commander of the Finalizer, and if his fellow commander was incapacitated for whatever reason, then it was his duty to find out the details and to continue commanding the ship in his absence.

Yes. After everything Hux had said to him the other day, there was no way Ren would come see him unless he felt he had no choice. Ren showing up to medbay was based solely on a professional capacity. He was doing just as Hux had asked him to; staying away unless it was First Order business. As such, Hux knew that he had no real justification for being disappointed, and yet…

“I know that you know that taking stims and sedatives simultaneously is dangerous,” Ren continued, Hux beginning to feel like he was being lectured. “Did you just not care or something? Honestly, combined with the fact you haven’t been eating either, it’s any wonder that you didn’t faint sooner. It was stupid and reckless.”

Ren folded his arms, his brows furrowed in disapproval. “Kriff, what the hell were you even thinking?”

Hux’s disappointment swiftly morphed into anger. It was one thing to come here to check in on his co-commander’s status, but it was quite another to show up and berate and patronise him. And this was ignoring that really, Ren of all people had absolutely no right to lecture or scold anyone for what he considered to be stupid or reckless behaviour.

“I don’t have to explain anything to you,” Hux replied, attempting to keep his voice level. “But now that you have been apprised of my situation, you can leave. I will see the attending physician or droid, be discharged from medbay and will promptly return to the bridge to begin my shift. You certainly won’t have to _burden yourself_ with overseeing the actual running of the ship for long.”

“I told you already that you aren’t going anywhere.” Apparently that applied to Ren as well, the man making no indication that he was planning to leave.

Hux used his elbows to push himself forward. “You can’t just keep me here against my will!”

“I _can_. And I _will_ ,” said Ren darkly, and for a brief moment, Hux was mentally returned to his childhood, back when he had lived in an actual house before the siege on Arkanis by the New Republic forces.

Back then when Brendol didn’t have the time or just simply couldn’t be bothered, as punishment he would lock Hux in his bedroom; often overnight. As punishments went, it was the one that Hux hated the least, mainly as it meant a brief reprieve from both his father’s physical and verbal abuse. Or rather, it had been his least hated punishment until he had spent two days locked in his room alone when he was four. When over an entire cycle had passed, he had been truly convinced that he had been abandoned and that without any food he would starve to death alone his room, his young mind not realising that he would die from thirst long before he starved.

When Brendol had finally opened the door to let him out, Hux had immediately burst into tears of joy, it likely being the only time in his life where he had actually been happy to see his father.

To this day, he still didn’t know if Brendol had done it intentionally or if he had simply forgotten about him. Meanwhile, he doubted very much that his step-mother had even noticed that he was absent, or if she had, chose not to mention it.

The only thing Brendol had said to him after letting him out was that he hoped his son had learned his lesson. And while Hux could remember the event itself vividly, he had no idea what he had actually done to deserve the punishment. Given that it was his father issuing it, possibly nothing at all.

Hux quickly shrugged himself free of the unpleasant memory as he assured himself that his current situation was not the same in the slightest. Much to his dismay, his mind seemed to be fixating on the past a great deal of late. It was unacceptable and yet another thing that could not be tolerated.

“So what then? Are you just going to stay here in medbay with me and hold me down on this bed with the Force so that I can’t leave?” he challenged.

“If that’s what’s needed.”

Hux tensed. Clearly Ren was doing this to punish him for ending their…well, whatever it was that they had together. That and for bringing up all those things that had occurred on Starkiller Base; of Ren’s humiliating defeat by the scavenger girl. Now, Ren was here to witness Hux’s humiliation, to no doubt shove it in his face at some point in the near future. As if that night almost two weeks ago were Ren had shamed him and then left hadn’t provided Hux with enough disgrace already.

Truthfully, Hux hadn’t wanted to say any of those things; to bring up the destruction of Starkiller Base. Nonetheless, positive that it was the surest way to drive Ren away, he felt he had no alternative. He certainly he hadn’t counted on something like this happening, however.

How long would Ren force him to remain here and subsequently prevent him from carrying out his many duties? People on the ship would soon start asking questions about his absence; of where the General was.

Yes, he wasn’t a weak child anyone; a person that could be hidden away without anyone giving him damn. People would actually notice his lack of presence on the bridge and about the ship. And while such a thing should leave him feeling immensely satisfied, instead Hux found himself filled with worry. Not only would his officers notice and question his absence, but they would surely wonder about the reason behind it. He wasn’t exactly known for slacking or taking time off after all and he certainly wouldn’t have gotten to the rank of General at his age if he had.

The fact that he hadn’t yet arrived for his shift was sure to raise alarm bells for many of his subordinates. He could only imagine Lieutenant Mitaka’s confusion at going into his office to offer him some caf only to find him missing. If word got out what happened, then his reputation would surely be ruined.

No, he told him. His officers respected him greatly. Surely he wouldn’t lose their respect after just one incident.

But what if –

Hux gripped the thin material of the bedsheets in his hands, trying to ground himself. He had already broken down the other night when Ren had left his quarters; the first time in almost two decades. He had shamed himself greatly by allowing himself to do so, but he absolutely refused to let another person see him cry; especially not Ren. He couldn’t.

“I really don’t understand,” said Ren, continuing to stare down at him, “I know that you’ve never exactly been a big eater but why suddenly decide to stop eating altogether? People need actual food to function. Even _you_ , Hux.”

“I still eat!” Hux retorted. He couldn’t remember precisely the last time he had done so, and it was true that he could only manage small bites out of a single ration bar, but that still counted as something.

“Clearly not enough if you have to rely on stims to get through your shifts.”

“That has nothing to do with it,” Hux replied weakly.

“You’d been eating so much better lately. Whenever we had dinner together you ate actual meals instead of just protein packs or soup. You finally even managed to put on a bit of weight. But now, after all that, you’ve lost it again.” Ren exhaled deeply. “Hux, what changed?”

Ren sounded tremendously let down, igniting Hux’s temper once again. “I don’t know why you’re complaining!” he yelled, “Surely, this is what you wanted after all!? For me to lose that weight that I’d gained.”

Ren frowned. “What are you talking about? Why would I want you to –”

“You literally grabbed the fat on my stomach and mocked me, delightfully pointing out the excess weight! And then after doing that, you of course just buggered off.”

Hux sighed. “I accept that I was just a convenient fuck to you Ren, just as you were simply a distraction for me, but you have no right to turn up like this and force me to stay here against my will when it has–”

“Wait!” Ren interrupted, “Hux, what are you…Do you actually think that I was mocking you for putting on a little bit of weight?”

“Of course! You seemed to take a great deal of joy in it as I recall. That was before you made your excuse to leave at least. I suppose you could only get so much amusement out of it before it became so off-putting to you that you couldn’t even bring yourself to stay and share a bed with me. Something of which, I also recall you never having a problem with in the past.”

Ren’s eyes widened, even taking a step back. “Then the reason you stopped eating, why you did this to yourself…it was because of me?”

Ren had the audacity to look wounded, as if he had somehow been the one hurt by all this.

Hux laughed bitterly. “Oh, what? Don’t tell me you’re actually feeling _guilty_ about it?”

Ren, meanwhile, continued looking distraught. Hux couldn’t stand it. He turned his head away, gripping his bedsheets even tighter in his hands. “Come now Ren, don’t be so narcissistic. Not everything is about _you_ , I hope you realise. I’m not so pitiful that I would allow myself to get in such a state because of one of your asinine comments. Truthfully, your opinion matters very little to me. Not to mention that there are other more –”

“Hux, I promise that I wasn’t trying to ridicule you,” said Ren, getting down on his knees so that he was about the same level as him. “I’m really sorry. That’s the last thing I’d want to do to you, I swear.”

Hux snorted disbelievingly. He didn’t know Ren to be someone to lie, however. Given how strong he was, both with his Force abilities and his own physical prowess, it wasn’t something the other man generally needed to resort to. Nevertheless, that didn’t mean that Ren wasn’t capable of it. And really how could Hux possibly interpret Ren’s words and actions to mean anything other than a cruel attempt to mock him?

Hux turned back so that he was facing Ren. “Is that so? Then why take so much glee in grabbing my stomach and pointing out my increase in weight if not to taunt me with it?” Hux exhaled. “Don’t lie to me, Ren. I know that I’ve never been in peak physical shape. Just admit that you were disgusted with what you saw that night and that’s why you left. Why you –”

“I didn’t leave because I was disgusted!” Ren protested, “I left because I wasn’t even supposed to be on the Finalizer in the first place!”

Hux’s eyes widened slightly before narrowing them in suspicion. “What do you mean you _weren’t_ supposed to be on the ship?”

“It’s…” Ren sighed. “The mission I was given by my Master was to locate and terminate a number of individuals who he believed to be a direct threat both to him and the Order. It should have been a simple enough mission, but after successfully assassinating several of the targets, a couple of them who were working together proved to be more difficult to track down than I had originally anticipated. I would show up at their last known location only to find them already gone as if somehow they knew I was coming. They most likely did.

It was frustrating and as the mission continued dragging on I found that I…” Ren paused, appearing hesitant.

“You what, Ren?” Hux urged, eager to hear what had brought Ren back to the Finalizer and more importantly, what any of this had to do with him.

“I wanted to come back to see _you_ , okay?” Ren admitted, sounding uncomfortable by the confession, “It was infuriating, no matter how quickly I moved, they’d already be gone by the time I arrived at whatever planet or spaceport they had last been seen in. So, in order to relieve my frustration, I decided to return to the Finalizer briefly. I knew I couldn’t stay long however, and if my Master found out then he…well, he wouldn’t be pleased.”

For Ren, disappointing his master was likely one of the worst things that could possibly happen to him. Hux too, hated disappointing Snoke, albeit for very different reasons than Ren’s.

“I lied to you. It wasn’t a new mission that I had to leave for, I was merely continuing with the existing one. So, I’m, uh, sorry about that.”

“I see,” said Hux, Ren’s admission not making him feel any better in the slightest. “So what I’m able to discern from what you just said is that you could only get by with your hand as company for so long and being too lazy to go find some degenerate whore at some rundown spaceport you simply chose to return to the Finalizer to seek me out for a quick and convenient fuck to relieve your frustrations. Is that correct?”

“What? No! That’s not why I came back.”

“You just said you had been frustrated that your mission was going poorly and that you came back to find relief. And if I recall rightly, you were stripping me of my clothes within a minute of showing up in my quarters.”

“You’re misunderstanding!”

“Really? It seems rather clear to me why you came seeking my company. And once you got what you came for, you left. Look, I’m not offended, Ren. Nevertheless, I’d prefer if you chose not to lie about it.”

Honestly Hux had no idea why Ren appeared to be trying so hard to convince him otherwise. Especially considering that if he really had come to witness his humiliation, surely it would make sense for him to throw such things in face and mock him with it. Instead, Ren seemed to want Hux to believe the exact opposite. Was it some kind of mind trick he was trying to pull on him? If so, Hux would not allow himself to be so easily manipulated. He was stronger than that.

Although, if the past two weeks had proven anything then it wasn’t quite as much as he had believed himself to be.

“I came back because I missed you!” cried Ren, reaching out and placing his hand over Hux’s. Hux startled at the sudden contact. Seeing this, Ren pulled his hand back, looking somewhat crestfallen, but nevertheless, he continued on speaking, “Look it’s true that I missed the sex. I’m not trying to deny that. But there were a lot of other things I missed as well. Talking to you, eating a meal together, and well, just being in your company. I missed them just as much.

“I missed _you_ , Hux.”

Hux was taken aback. In his entire life, no one had ever told him that they had missed him before. He had been told by officers under his direct command that his presence had been missed whenever he returned after being off the ship for any length of time, but that was completely different. And in many cases, unlikely to be true. For example, he knew for a fact that Peavy took no absolutely no pleasure in seeing him return, more than happy to command the bridge and flaunt his authority in his absence.

But as for truly missing him, well, not even Rae Sloane had said such words to him, the closest being, ‘It’s good to see you, Armitage.’ Nevertheless, just hearing her say so had been enough to sustain him and made him want to try to continue making her proud of him.

“I knew I would only have a short period of time that I could actually spend on the Finalizer before I had to set off and complete my mission” said Ren, “That’s why I left your quarters when I did. Not because I was disgusted or anything like that, but because I knew that if I lay there in bed with you any longer, it would be almost impossible to force myself to leave again. I know that you seemed angry with me when I left, so I resolved to finish my business and return as soon as possible. It still took me longer than I would have liked but I was finally able to track them down. I killed them both without any restraint. I was so furious. Both because they somehow kept alluding me and because they were keeping me away from you.” Hux noted the fire in Ren’s eyes as he said this.

“Once they were disposed of, I went to inform my Master on the Supremacy that I had carried out my mission. I had been worried that he would immediately set out another assignment for me that would take me far away from here, but instead I was ordered to return to the Finalizer and resume my duties onboard. I was so thankful. I hurried back as quickly as I could, only stopping for a short time in my rooms when I got back. I figured if I turned up at your quarters smelling after not being able to wash properly for almost a week, that you’d be pretty pissed,” Ren chuckled weakly. “So I decided to go shower first. But after that, I headed straight to your quarters.

“I really wanted to see you. But when I got there, you were…”

Hux winced as he recalled that evening once again. Instead of being pleased to see Ren, he had been shaken by his presence, having not expected to find him of all people standing there when he opened the door. That was then followed by him in a panicked state as he frantically tried to locate his datapad of which he had uncharacteristically managed to somehow misplace. Ren had shown concern over him but Hux had simply brushed him off, playing down the significance of their relationship before finally telling Ren to leave, that he didn’t want to see him anymore.

He had been downright cruel in the things he had said, but he had taken no joy in it. It was a required necessity. He needed to distance himself from Ren. He had gotten attached and it had made him weak, it being frighteningly evident how easily Ren had caused him to crumble with just a few simple words in a way that no one else could; at least not since Brendol throughout his childhood.

Hux couldn’t allow anyone to have such power over him, and especially could not allow himself to become emotionally compromised over someone who only wanted him for sex, who would no doubt toss him away without a second thought.

But now after hearing Ren’s admission and reflecting back, Hux began to wonder if possible, had he gotten it all wrong? The more he thought about it, the more Ren had appeared to be genuinely concerned about his wellbeing the other night, and even after witnessing Hux’s frantic episode with his misplaced datapad, Ren still seemed like he wanted to spent time with him.

Was it that Ren really wasn’t here to revel and take pleasure in his humiliation? That he really had missed him? And perhaps, possibly maybe even _cared_ about him?

“So you weren’t lying then? About why you returned to the Finalizer that time? You really did come back because you, well…” Hux trailed off, unable to bring himself to say it.

“Missed you?” Ren supplied.

Hux nodded.

“Yes. Like I said, I just really wanted to see you.”

Hux’s chest tightened. He had no idea how to feel about any of this. It seemed like far too much to even begin to try and comprehend.

“But, with how things turned out, I guess it would have been better if I hadn’t come back; if I had just finished my mission and hadn’t seen you before I did.”

Hux had to agree with him on that. Not only because of the stress and what he had managed to inflict upon himself these past two weeks, but also because it was extremely likely that Ren would no longer want anything to do with him anymore. That was now that he had seen how weak Hux was; falling apart over what in Ren’s mind was apparently an innocent comment.

He was truly ashamed. Nevertheless, he was still somehow able to bring himself to ask, “Why didn’t you tell me any of this when you came to see me?"

“To be honest I wasn’t sure how you’d react to learning that I hadn’t actually completed my mission. Given that you’re all about following rules and regulations and putting the Order first, I thought you might be angry that I had gone behind my master’s back to return here, even briefly.”

When it came to following rules and regulations, his immense disapproval towards those who didn’t adhere to them was something Hux couldn’t attempt to hide or deny. Not that he would want to of course. It was the correct mindset to possess and also served to set the First Order far apart from the unregulated and chaotic command that plagued the Resistance.

It was indisputable that the needs of the Order should be placed above all else and to leave an important mission unfinished in order to indulge in one’s personal desires was completely unacceptable. Anyone discovered to have done so would be swiftly punished and possibly even sent off for reconditioning.

And yet, knowing now what Ren’s reasons for postponing his mission was, Hux wasn’t entirely sure how he would have reacted. Would he have been angry as Ren expected him to be, or was there a small chance that he just might have been a little bit touched by the gesture?

That was of course if he had actually taken Ren’s word for it that he came back to see Hux because he missed him. Even now, Hux wasn’t sure if he believed him or not, still fearing that it was all part of some ploy; a cruel trick on Ren’s part.

Perhaps it would easier if it was. At least then he wouldn’t have to deal with Ren’s disappointment in him over how he had been conducting himself.

“I see. Is that the only thing that stopped you from saying anything?” Hux asked tentatively, curious to whether there was something else that Ren was holding back from him.

“Well, I also wasn’t sure how sure how you’d react to finding out that I came back to see _you_ specifically. I didn’t want to come on too strongly; to risk you freaking out me and ending what we had.” Ren snorted. “Not that it helped, of course. You ended it anyway.”

“Do you really think I would have reacted that poorly?”

“No offence, but you’re not exactly the most open person when it comes to your feelings. I get that’s just how you were brought up, how the First Order conditioned you to be.”

“You make it sound as if that’s a bad thing,” Hux retorted angrily, not sure if he was angry at the possible criticism of the First Order or for what he perceived to be Ren implying a personal shortcoming on his part.

Ren looked dejected by his response, and Hux quickly realised that he was probably only reinforcing Ren’s belief.

Hux sighed. “No you’re right. I’m not good with feelings or emotions or any of those sort of things. And you’re also correct about how I was raised. Both my father and my instructors taught me – well, all of the cadets, really – that emotions are nothing more than meaningless distractions from achieving one’s goals. That revealing how you truly feel about something is a weakness that is just waiting to be exploited; either by the enemy _or_ a rival. I do stand by that belief. I’ve seen it in action; have taken advantage of it myself. Nonetheless, it is possible that because of how I was _conditioned_ , as you so put it, I suppose I’ve never entirely being able to comprehend emotions. My own goals and ambitions along with my loyalty to the First Order, those make perfect sense to me. I’ve never questioned them nor had any reason to. Everything else that didn’t fall into those categories, I’ve simply tried to ignore; repress. But now…” He trailed off.

He had no idea why he was even telling Ren all this, especially when he had clearly already ruined things between them, something of which he now regretted deeply, wishing he could return to the other night and take back all those things he had said to Ren.

“But now?”

“But now it’s like I’ve lost the ability to shut out things completely. It’s like everything has come flooding out at once, and it just so bloody frustrating!” He gritted his teeth. “It’s like I’m being overwhelmed by all these emotions. And because I’m apparently incapable of dealing with it, I’ve wound up here.”

He laughed miserably. “Kriff, I can’t believe how pathetic I’ve allowed myself to become.”

“You’re not pathetic, Hux,” Ren told him.

“Don’t lie! Of course I am!” he yelled, unable to deal with Ren’s sympathy. “How am I supposed to lead the First Order to victory against the Resistance when I can’t even manage to take care of myself!? When I allow my body to succumb to something as basic and preventable as hunger? If I can’t control my problems, I should at the very least be adept enough to conceal them. But to faint in public, where any a number of my subordinates could see me. Honestly, when words get out, my reputation will be –”

“You shouldn’t worry about that.”

Hux snorted. “What? Am I just supposed to not to care about losing the respect of my officers? How am I to sufficiently command them if they don’t respect me anymore?”

“They won’t stop respecting you just because you collapsed,” replied Ren, “And no one has to know the real reason behind it. You can say you were ill. Everyone gets sick. No one will judge you for it.”

“You don’t understand. People in my position do _not_ get sick, Ren, and if they do, they make damn sure that no one finds out about it. Stars, even if it was only those two Stormtroopers who saw me faint in the corridor, there’s a strong chance people would have caught a glimpse of me as I was taken to medbay. I bet word has already gotten out by now about it. They’re probably talking about it on the bridge and –”

Hux stilled as he was hit with a sudden and unpleasant thought. He bolted upright, again ignoring the pain in both his side and head. “What if Leader Snoke has found out what happened already?! If that’s the case, then I’m done for!” Hux put his face his hands. He wanted to scream. “My career is over…”

“Hux, calm –” Ren stopped, likely recalling Hux yelling at him earlier to stop saying as much. “My Master, from what I’m aware of, doesn’t know of your accident.”

“I’m sure he’ll hear about it soon enough,” Hux retorted, his voice muffled by the hands covering his face.

“My master is wise and power, he pays no heed to senseless gossip. Plus, he understands your importance and how essential you are to the running of the First Order. I’m more than confident that you won’t lose your position as General over something like this.”

It was strange to hear Ren say such things. Honestly, it didn’t seem all that long ago they were vying off against one and other for Snoke’s approval. And while Ren may have had the advantage of being Snoke’s apprentice, it was Hux who commanded Snoke’s armies. Even when they had started sleeping together, that old bit of rivalry remained whenever they were in Snoke’s presence together, albeit not quite as fierce as it once was as they continued to try and one-up each other – although being on the same wavelength and working together certainly had its advantages.

But now here Ren was attempting to reassure him of his value to Leader Snoke when once he would have no doubt taken pleasure in Hux losing his master’s ear.

“You don’t have to worry about my master.”

“How can you be so sure?” Hux asked, lowering his hands slightly so that he could at least see Ren’s face.

“I just am.”

Of course. No explanation, Ren just _was_.

Hux resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Although more likely it was that he no longer possessed the energy to do even that.

“What you should focus on now is on recovering; getting better. That’s what matters most.”

Hux still had no idea what to make of Ren’s concern. He honestly couldn’t remember the last time anyone seemed truly concerned about his wellbeing.

“I really don’t understand why you’re here,” he said, removing his hands from his face and placing them down on his lap.

“I know that you said you wanted me to stay away from you,” replied Ren, “But I had to make sure that you were –”

Hux shook his head. “No, I don’t mean that. What I mean is I don’t understand why you would possibly want to be anywhere near me now. After all, I said some rather unpleasant things to you the other night. And my behaviour has been…well, certainly not befitting of my rank. Honestly, it would make far more sense to me if you came to watch me suffer; to gain satisfaction and punishing me by keeping me trapped here.”

Ren opened his mouth, no doubt to protest, but Hux quickly continued before he got the chance. “But I know now you’re not here for those things. And that…that’s what I don’t understand. Weren’t you upset and angry with me after I ordered you to leave?” Hux was positive that he was. After all, Ren had also almost lashed out and used the Force on him, that alone being an obvious sign of his rage. There had also been the cold way he had said _General_ as he left his quarters. It had sent chills through Hux, hearing Ren refer to him that way. Not only because when they were in private, Ren always called him _Hux_ , but because of the way he had said it.

“I’m not going lie, the things you said the other night, they got to me a lot. You saying that I was just a distraction for you.” Hux winced. “But I know that you weren’t exactly in the greatest frame of mind when you said them.”

Ren sighed. “And when it comes down to it, I’m the one who should be sorry for that night.”

Hux stared at him in confusion. What possible reason was there for Ren to apologise? He was the one who had been acting irrationally; had verbally lashed out at him after all.

“I never should have left you. It was obvious from the moment I got there that you weren’t doing well. I saw how pale you were and those dark bags under your eyes… I knew that you were distressed and yet I just walked away from you instead of actually doing something to help.” Ren clenched his fists resting them atop the bed. “I’m sorry for that.”

“No. There’s nothing for you to apologise about considering I was the one who told you to leave.”

“Nonetheless, I should have insisted on staying,”

“You were simply respecting my wishes,” Hux protested, not sure why Ren was so keen to share in the blame.

“That doesn’t matter!” shouted Ren, startling Hux. He could tell however, that Ren’s anger wasn’t directed at him but at Ren himself. “You needed someone to take care of you and I wasn’t there!” Being on his knees and bent over the bed, it almost looked like Ren was bowing to him, asking for forgiveness. It was ridiculous of course. The only person Kylo Ren would ever bow to was Snoke.

Ren pressed his head against the mattress. “If I hadn’t left, then maybe you wouldn’t have ended up here like this. I should have stayed and helped you.” 

His voice was muffled, reminding Hux of the vocoder in Ren’s mask. Once, it had been only through the vocoder that he actually heard Ren’s voice. But then after they started sleeping together, Ren would always remove when they were in private. Much of the time he actually showed up outside of Hux’s quarters with it already off, tucked carefully under the crook of his arm. In public meanwhile, Ren never seemed to take it off it. Hux hadn’t really questioned him about it, believing that the mask contributed to the frightening demeanour that Ren always projected. He wasn’t wearing it now of course. Although Hux supposed it was just the two of them.

To think that there may have been the chance that he never got to see Ren’s face ever again. Hux overcome with the urge to reach out and touch Ren’s face. He held back, however.

“I wasn’t there before, so please let me stay here and take of you now,” said Ren, almost pleadingly.

Take care of him? Hux was a grown man, not some child. He didn’t need to be taken care of. But Ren sounded so pained, that to refuse him so seemed cruel. There was also the fact that really he didn’t want Ren to leave. But he also didn’t want him to stay over some misplaced guilt either. Particularly if it had somehow manifested itself in Ren feeling that he needed to take care of him.

“Ren, I…If I were to order you to leave the room right now, and you if respected my wishes and left, would you…would you miss me?”

Ren raised his head from the mattress, staring up at him. As their eyes met, Hux started to feel somewhat overwhelmed again. Still he needed to know the real reason why Ren was so insistent on staying.

“I mean, even after seeing me in this state and everything else that occurred, you would still want to stay with me? The doctors and med-droids, they can attend to my needs after all, so you needn’t worry about me being taken care of so...”

“Is that what you really want?” asked Ren, “For me to leave?”

Hux bit his lip, glancing away. “I don’t want you to force yourself. For you to feel that for whatever reason, that you that need to be here. Not if it’s something that you don’t want.”

“What matters is what you want, Hux,” replied Ren.

“I want…” In better circumstances, Hux might have sardonically pointed out that it hadn’t seemed to matter what he had wanted barely ten minutes ago when he announced his intention to leave medbay. But now he was struggling to answer even such a simple question.

He dug his nails into the palm of his hand, a bad habit of his when he was particularly anxious. Ren thankfully seemed to take pity on him.

“To answer your question, If I did leave, I would miss you a lot, just as I did when I was away on my missions. Just like I’ve missed you for the past two days,” said Ren as Hux’s eyes darted back to meet his.

Ren had still missed him even after their fatal last encounter?

Ren hesitated for a moment before continuing. “But if its really what you want then I’ll leave you–”

“It’s not!” Hux called out, finally finding his voice. “I don’t want that at all. I want you to stay with me.” Hux desperately hoped that Ren understood what he really meant; that he wasn’t just referring to the present moment.

He could feel tears welling up in his eyes. So much for his vow not to cry in front of Ren. Regardless, currently he didn’t care much. He just didn’t want Ren to leave him.

“Please don’t go.”

“Hey, don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. I promise,” Ren assured him gently.

“I didn’t mean any of what I said before, I swear!” he cried, “I’m sorry! You were never just a distraction to me, Ren! You were –”

The knight reached over and placed his hand on top of Hux’s. This time however, Hux didn’t startle at his touch. “I know. It’s okay.”

“I’ve been so ridiculously foolish in what I’ve done.”

“Maybe a little,” Ren agreed before lightly adding, “But we all do stupid things. I mean, aren’t you always yelling at me for the stuff that I do?”

Hux gave a weak chuckle “Yes, I suppose that’s true. Between this and that, I don’t know quite how you put up with me.”

Ren offered him a small smile and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “Don’t worry, it’s more than worth it.”

Hux smiled softly in return. Nevertheless, tears continued to run down his face. He could only imagine how awful he looked. “I’m sorry. I can’t seem to stop crying for some reason.” He rubbed at his eyes with his free hand.

“You don’t need to stop, you know. Letting emotions out like this can be good for you. Can bring you relief.”

“It’s actually been almost two decades since I’ve last cried,” Hux found himself admitting. “Or, well, I suppose that was the case until the other day. Stars, I went almost two decades without and now I’ve managed to tear up twice in the space of a couple of days.”

“Was it after I visited your quarters that you did?”

Hux gave a small nod. “Yes. Just after you left.”

“I’m sorry,” Ren apologised.

“But it’s different now than it was then,” Hux blurted out, again not wanting Ren to feel guilty, “The other night I was just so overwhelmed with everything. I felt I had lost so many things; my composure, my ability to do my job, _you_. But, even though I’m crying now. It feels different. Not bad, but…”

Hux sighed. “I suppose I’m not making much sense am I? Crying when I’m no longer, well, distressed.”

“No. I get it. People don’t just cry when they’re hurting after all.”

Hux stared at him with surprise. “They don’t?”

“Of course not. People cry when they’re relieved, or when they’re happy, as well.”

“Oh. I never knew that,” Hux admitted, feeling slightly embarrassed. He had cried a lot when he was a young child, but never from relief or happiness; hadn’t thought it was even possible to do so.

“You didn’t?” This time it seemed to be Ren’s turn to be surprised.

“No. As you pointed out, with the way I was raised, I was discouraged from showing my feelings. And I suppose because of that, I never really took much interest in them or the time to understand them. You must find it incredibly strange.”

Ren shook his head. “I understand. I was taught to repress my emotions when I was younger as well.”

“You were?” That surprised Hux greatly, always believing that those who lived in the New Republic were excessive in their demonstration of emotion, actively encouraging the discussion of feelings and allowing themselves to be led and ruled by their hearts instead of their intellect.

“Yeah, back when I was training to become a Jedi. At first I thought it was simply my uncle trying to bestow his knowledge of the ways of the Jedi on me. It made sense as Jedi aren’t supposed to have any worldly or strong emotional attachments, focusing purely on their relationship with the Force and on maintaining peace in galaxy and balance.”

In an unsettling way, it almost reminded Hux of the teachings of the First Order he grew up with. While the Order most certainly didn’t subscribe to any beliefs relating to the Force, the First Order was fully dedicated to their goal of uniting the galaxy, and perhaps as the Jedi had claimed to want, stability; that which in turn was its own form of peace. Although there were likely many such as the New Republic and Resistance who would undoubtably disagree with such as assessment.

Ren clenched his left fist, his right hand still resting atop Hux’s. “It was only when I was a little older that I realised that it wasn’t so much about that as it was my family worrying about me turning to the dark side of the Force. Encouraging me to repress my emotions was just a way for them to try and control me.”

Hux listened with interest. Ren had never really spoken about his life before training as Snoke’s apprentice and becoming part of the First Order. While Hux could admit to himself that he possessed a curiosity about Ren’s past, especially considering his connection to Leia Organa and Luke Skywalker, Hux had never actively enquired about it, just as Ren had never probed him for any accounts of his early life.

“It was so restricting that when I finally gave in and embraced my emotions, it felt incredible,” Ren explained joyfully, “I could feel so much power flowing through me; like I was being set free.”

“Yes, well, that’s all good for you, but unfortunately for me, that hasn’t been the case,” Hux pointed out, “The only thing I’ve managed to achieve is becoming irrational. One simple comment about my weight has resulted in me end simply because I overreacted to a comment about my weight gain.”

“I wish I had never said anything,” said Ren, sounding truly remorseful, “Again. I didn’t mean it to hurt you. It just made me –”

“It’s fine, Ren. You were right, after all,” said Hux, holding up his hand, “I had gained weight. I refused to see the obvious. Once I finally acknowledged it, I wanted to lose it quickly and thought if I simply ate less it I could get back to how I was before. I may have gone a bit overboard however.” It was a massive understatement, he knew.

“And you were also right about the stims. I relied on them far more than I should have. I was just so exhausted and didn’t want to fail the Order and fall behind in performing my duties, especially with the recent destruction of Starkiller Base. With my lack of energy, I had hoped they could at least help me get through – well whatever it was that was wrong me.”

Hux sighed. “Fat lot of good they did me of course. Instead, I’ve managed to lose over half a cycle already and it’s unlikely that the doctor will allow for a quick release and my immediate return to duty. Which of course, only means more time away from my duties.”

“Don’t worry about that right now. Just –”

“Focus on getting better, I know. I know.

“Still, I can’t say I like the thought of being stuck in here for any great length of time,” Hux complained, frowning as he glanced down at himself in the hospital gown. He despised being outside of his quarters out of uniform. Even off-duty, he wore it when he went about his business on ship.

“You shouldn’t be here too long,” Ren assured him, “Just until you’ve properly rested up.”

Hux wanted to argue that he would be able to rest more adequately in his own quarters but he didn’t want to push his luck too much.

“There is something I want you to agree to before you leave here, however,” said Ren, a look of determination on his face.

“And what’s that?” Hux asked, both curious and nervous about what the stipulation would be.

“You have to promise to eat regularly. That means, three square meals a cycle.”

Hux blanched at the very notion. “I haven’t eaten three square meals a cycle since I was a cadet! There’s no way I could possibly manage that.”

“I’m sure you can if you make the effort.”

Hux stared at him, unimpressed. “Ren, you already know for a fact that I don’t eat breakfast. That alone makes doing so rather difficult.”

“That’s true,” Ren conceded after a moment, “Then I guess two square meals a day? That seems reasonable, right?”

“But not just protein packs and ration bars,” Ren quickly hastened to add.

“I…” He wanted to agree to Ren’s conditions, he really did. And while perhaps it was mainly so he could escape from medbay as soon as possible, he also wanted to alleviate some of Ren’s concerns. However, as things currently stood, eating that amount seemed almost impossible.

“Hux?” Ren gave his hand another soft squeeze.

“The truth is, I’m actually having some difficulty eating anything… well, substantial at the moment,” Hux admitted hesitantly, ashamed by his situation. After everything he had been through and all he had achieved thus far in life, to suddenly struggle to take even a small couple of bites out of a ration bar bordered on humiliating. “I try to eat something, but whenever I do, I just feel ill, like I’m about to me sick. And my appetite, it’s like it’s just vanished completely. I know it sounds utterly ridiculous but –”

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re not alone in this. We’ll deal with it together, okay?” said Ren, lifting Hux’s hand and entwining their fingers together, “I’ll help you get through it, I promise.”

Hux gave a small nod, grateful for Ren’s offer of support. At one point he would no doubt have been indignant about it, believing it to be a case of Ren thinking that he wasn’t capable enough to get through it on his own. Now however he could only be appreciative of it.

“Thank you, Ren.”

“Stars, you don’t know how worried I was when I felt you collapse yesterday,” said Ren, gently stroking Hux’s hand with his thumb, “I knew you weren’t dead, but still I couldn’t help but fear the worst.”

“You _felt_ me collapse? What do you mean?” asked Hux, confused, “How is that even possible?

“I sensed it happening through the Force. I was training at the time and then all of a sudden it was like…” Ren frowned. “It’s difficult to explain. I just felt something come over me. Like my entire body just stopped. I didn’t know what had happened, only that you were in pain and that you had fallen unconscious. Using the Force I managed to locate you, or at least where you had fallen.”

Truly, Ren’s powers never ceased to amaze Hux. He had automatically assumed that the staff in medbay had contacted Ren to inform him of what had happened to Hux given that along with him, Ren was the highest-ranking person on the ship, certainly _not_ that Ren had somehow sensed it as it had occurred.

“I rushed there as fast as I could but by the time I arrived, you were gone. I panicked but one of the Stormtroopers who had seen you faint said that a medical team had shown up and taken you to medbay.” That made since, medbay was far closer than where he had apparently fallen, and if Ren had been in usual private training halls when it happened then that was all the way across the ship.

Still, the fact was Ren had rushed to his aid was rather touching.

“I went straight there. I think I might have scared a couple of the staff there when I showed up,” Ren admitted with a small chuckle, “At that stage they could only tell me that you had fainted and injured your head; that they would have to run some tests first to identify the cause behind it.”

So Ren had sensed his pain? Did that mean Ren could do so with everyone? Ren had never mentioned having such an ability before, or at least Hux didn’t think he had. Given that Ren spent a good deal of time on the battlefield where people were constantly being injured or even killed, surely such a thing would be distracting and detrimental to him? Hux, meanwhile who had witnessed Ren in action several times had never been given any indication that Ren was affected by it as he watched the knight slash at and kill his enemies without hesitation or mercy.

“I can’t feel everyone’s pain if that’s what you’re wondering,” stated Ren, as if he was reading his thoughts. Something of which admittedly Ren could do. Hux doubted that was the case in this instance however, less he would be in a great deal of pain. He had gotten a strange thrill from the couple of times he had observed Ren as he had extracted the information he needed out of the heads of captured prisoners during interrogations.

“The Force, it works in mysterious ways. Sometimes it will just reveal certain things to you without warning. Often it will be regarding someone you had a connection with at some point throughout your life. Or someone who you –” Ren paused, hesitating for a moment before continuing. “Or if it’s someone who you care about.”

“Oh,” said Hux, dumbly. “So, does that mean you felt my pain and me passing out because you…” Hux couldn’t quite bring himself to say it out loud.

“Pretty much,” Ren confirmed, giving his hand another small squeeze. Ren’s hand was so large compared to his own; Ren’s fingers much broader than his own somewhat delicate ones. It was strange having his hand held like this – the few times he and Ren had done so being when they were in the throes of sex – but definitely not unpleasant or unwelcome.

It was actually rather nice.

“Ren, I…I may not have the Force but when it comes to, well, _that_ , I feel the same about you,” Hux admitted, blushing lightly, once again hoping that Ren understood what he really meant.

Suddenly Ren stood up, letting go of Hux’s hand. Panic filled Hux. Had he said the wrong thing and Ren had finally had enough of him, making him want to leave? Or was it just Hux’s inability to say what he really meant.

Just as he was about to call out to him, Ren moved forward and leaning over him, bent down and placed a soft kiss to his forehead out of the way of the bacta-patch that rested there.

“Re-Ren?” Hux could feel his cheeks darken considerably at the feel of Ren’s lips against his skin, a strange warmth enveloping him. Ren had kissed him on various places on his body before, but never on his forehead.

“I know,” said Ren to him as he pulled back slightly, a pleased smile bordering on a smirk on his face. If possible, the blush on Hux’s face only deepened. He scoffed, trying to hide his embarrassment. Ren simply chuckled.

Just as Ren started to lean forward, this time to seemingly kiss him on the lips, they found themselves being interrupted.

“Ah, General, I see that you are awake,” came a voice, startling the both of them.

Ren immediately pulled back, standing up straight as he turned to glare at the intruder. Hux meanwhile was filled with panic at the thought of being caught in such a private and intimate moment. While romantic and sexual relationships amongst officers were never actively discouraged within the First Order, openly showing affection out with personal quarters was certainly not looked upon favourably. And given that he was already in such a vulnerable state, currently stripped of his uniform and confined to a bed in medbay, he would rather not make himself feel any more exposed than he already was.

He calmed however when he realised that the voice belong to a med-droid who was slowly making its way into the room.

“Lord Ren, you are still here I see,” said the med-droid.

“Wait! Ren, you haven’t been here since I was first brought in, have you?” Hux asked, aghast at the possibility that Ren had been sat next to him for almost fifteen hours.

“Not, the entire time, no,” Ren responded, although Hux thought he sounded somewhat regretful about it, something of which of course was ridiculous. “I had some duties to carry out that meant I had to leave for awhile.”

“Have you been awake long, General Hux?” the med-droid asked him.

“Only for short a while ago,” he answered, shifting his attention to the droid.

“I see. Lord Ren told us he would _inform us_ the moment that you woke up. Obviously that was not the case,” said the droid, projecting a rather accusatory despite its monotonous sounding voice.

Ren glared at it before turning to Hux, his face softening. “I figured you might not want to be hounded by some doctor or droid the second you woke up so I thought it best to give you some time to process things.”

“Ah, is that so? Are you sure you just didn’t want some time to hound me by yourself?” Hux replied lightly, only partly joking.

“Yeah. More or less.” Ren chuckled, not trying to deny it. Hux felt his own lips twitching upwards in amusement.

“How are you currently feeling, General?” the med-droid asked as Ren took a step back to allow it better access to Hux’s bedside.

“I’m fine,” Hux answered automatically without thinking, it being his default reply to any questions regarding his health. He had been brought up not to complain about any minor injuries and given that he hadn’t been shot and wasn’t suffering from any broken bones, he considered his current state to fall into that category.

Ren, however, didn’t seem satisfied with his response, giving him a reprimanding look. “ _Hux_.”

Hux sighed, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. “ _Fine then_. I’ll admit that my head and right side are somewhat sore. And while it isn’t too bad, I’m also experiencing some slight nausea.”

“Ah, yes, those symptoms are to expected,” said the med-droid. “Do you recall how you found your way here, sir?”

Sadly yes. But Hux assumed the droid was talking about his fall and not his lack of food and overuse of stims that brought him to medbay. “I don’t precisely remember the event itself, but Lord Ren has informed me about my collapse and how I injured my head in the process.”

“When you were first brought in, we ran some tests. I can convey our findings to you right now if you wish or if you would rather, I can go and fetch the doctor who can –”

“No!” cried Hux, “I mean, you will do fine. Please continue.”

In his present situation, he much rather preferred to deal with one of the med-droids than an actual human doctor, as while droids were still more than capable of passing judgement on someone – as evident by its disapproval of Ren not notifying staff of him awakening straight away – it didn’t quite have the same impact coming from another human. Although, he would admit to valuing the opinion of droids over a great deal of people; members of the Resistance and the New Republic in particular.

“Very well.” However, instead of beginning, the droid turned to look at the other human in the room. “Lord Ren, I must request that you leave at once.”

Ren frowned, it appearing to be the very last thing he wanted to do. Hux supposed that it wasn’t that surprising considering how against leaving Ren had been when he himself had ordered him to earlier.

“Why?” Ren asked darkly, straightening up. “For what reason?”

The med-droid was unaffected by the change in Ren’s mood and demeanour however. “The reason being that while you and General Hux are both the highest-ranking crewmembers on this vessel, it is still the General’s personal and private medical information that I will be indulging and as such it is inappropriate for you to be present during the discussion.”

Hux wondered where such dedication to the maintenance of his privacy had been while he was unconscious. He could only assume that Ren had ordered one of the doctors to tell him, or possibly just projected an aura threatening enough that they spilled it without any hesitation.

Ren opened his mouth to protest at being forced out but Hux managed to speak up before him. Something of was probably best as he highly doubted that Ren would have ay qualms about destroying the droid if it annoyed him enough. “It’s fine. Lord Ren may remain if he wishes. There’s no need for him to leave.”

_And I want him to stay_ , he of course left unsaid.

“If that is what you wish, sir,” said the med-droid, offering him a small bow in show of deference.

Ren looked rather smug about it, so much so that Hux couldn’t help but be amused.

While the med-droid did go over the results of his tests and the reason behind his collapse, Hux didn’t learn anything particularly new from what Ren had already told him. When Hux admitted to the droid with a great deal of reluctance of his current struggles with eating, the droid said his lack of appetite and nausea was possibly due to the side-effects of taking stims and sedatives simultaneously. Hux was quite happy to accept that assessment, but unfortunately immediately after, the med-droid suggested another possibility in that his struggles with food could actually be the result of something psychological related, especially if it had begun before his actual use of stims and sedatives.

Hux cringed. He had already had a difficult enough time talking with Ren about it, that the thought of discussing it any further, at least for the moment in time, was stressing him out.

Almost as if he sensed Hux discomfort – which was wholly possible as Ren had proven earlier – Ren brought up Hux’s head injury, and the med-droid, none the wiser, switched its focus to that. Hux shot Ren a grateful look as the med-droid prattled on.

“Are you quite positive that I can’t just leave now?” Hux asked almost pleadingly after the droid had checked his vitals and removed the bacta-patches on his head and side and replaced them with new ones. “I am a very busy man as I’m sure you well know, and as I don’t have any broken bones or am in no need of surgery it really shouldn’t be necessary to for me to remain here. I’m sure that I can rest up well enough in my own quarters.”

“ _Hux_ ,” Ren voiced warningly. Apparently he wasn’t going to accommodate his discomfort when it came to remaining in medbay.

“I am afraid that it is pertinent that we keep you here for continued observation, General. We need to keep monitoring your vital signs and continue to replenish your fluids in order to correct the imbalances present in your bodily system. Furthermore as your role within the Order is invaluable it is necessary that we make sure that you are in the best possible health before you are discharged.”

“Hear that, Hux? You should listen to the droid,” said Ren sounding annoyingly triumphant. Hux glared at him, suddenly finding himself regretting that he hadn’t chosen to speak with one of the human doctors. Not that it probably would helped much with Ren here.

“For now, it is best if you were to lie back and get some rest, General,” said the droid.

Hux supressed a groan. “Yes, I’ve been hearing that a great deal lately.”

After going over a couple of more things, the med-droid left, meaning that he and Ren were alone once again.

“Are you really feeling alright?” asked Ren as he pulled up a seat to Hux’s bedside and sat down.

Hux nodded. “I am. Slightly parched but –”

Ren immediately shot up back up. “I’ll grab you some water!” he declared, “Just hold on a second.”

The knight hurried out of the room before Hux could say anything, leaving him slightly dumbfounded. From outside, Hux could hear Ren order some poor medical staff member to tell him he could grab some water.

“Here,” said Ren, returning little more than a minute later. He held out a small cup filled with water for Hux.

“Oh. Thank you,” replied Hux as he took it from him. He tried not to smile, doubting very much that anyone would have ever witnessed the leader of the Knights of Ren frantically demanding water before. It likely proved a rather amusing image.

“Sorry, I should have asked you earlier,” said Ren. At this point, Hux was positive that he had been apologised to more in the past hour than he had in his thirty-four years of being alive.

Swallowing what was in the cup, Hux had to admit that the water was rather refreshing, especially considering it seemed like all he had been drinking lately was caf.

“Would you like me to grab you something to eat as well?” offered Ren.

Hux stilled at that. Despite their earlier conversation, the thought of eating something right now and in front of Ren filled him with anxiety.

“I…I think I’ll leave it for the moment. I’ll have something later.”

“I promise,” he added.

To his immense relief, Ren didn’t try and pressure him to, simply reached over and took the cup out of his hand before giving it a gentle and reassuring squeeze. “Alright then.”

Hux smiled, and this time entwined his fingers between Ren’s. In spite of where he currently was and how he had wound up here, he still felt better than he had in a long time. And most importantly of all, Ren was right here with him.

He hadn’t lost everything after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologises for the delay with this chapter. It ended up being longer than I intended.
> 
> Next chapter is the last and Ren finally gets to show Hux about much he really appreicates him (and his body).
> 
> Thanks very much for reading and for the comments and kudos. They are much appreciated. :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies. Apparently when I said this chapter would be the last, I was actually lying. Or really, this chapter became a lot longer than I expected (again) so decided it would be best to split it. 
> 
> Just a warning that Hux continues to struggle with eating and his relationship with food. It also covers his body image issues, particularly in regard to his his weight and how Hux see's himself and how he believes others to perceive him so some negative words are said in relationship to it from Hux himself.

Hux had been disappointed when over a cycle later, he still found himself confined to medbay.

“Yes, I may fallen and I injured my head in the process, but it barely hurts now. I don’t understand why I have to remain here. It’s not as if I’m bedridden and can’t move around on my own, after all,” Hux protested to Ren, “It just seems needlessly excessive.”

“It’s more than you having just injured your head, Hux, and you know that,” Ren replied, not unkindly. Nevertheless, Hux couldn’t help but wince, aware that Ren was really referring to him unintentionally starving himself rather than collapsing.

“And it’s important that you’re here so that the med-staff can monitor you. Make sure everything is alright.”

The med-droid overseeing his care, KC-37, had explained that they wanted to keep a close eye on his vitals, as while it was unlikely, there was still the smallest of possibilities that his abuse of stims and sedatives combined with his greatly reduced food intake could have resulted in some unseen albeit mild damage.

Hux hadn’t been particularly concerned however, believing that if there was any real problem it would have manifested itself all ready. Ren, on the other hand, seemed to be deeply worried, barraging the droid with a series of questions. Just like before, the droid seemed unfazed however.

Hux had to admit that he found it incredibly overwhelming, although not unpleasant, of just how much concern Ren seemed to have in regard to his wellbeing. Originally, he had assumed Ren’s earlier comment of regret about leaving and not being there to take care of him after their argument several nights ago had just been Ren expressing his guilt out loud, despite Hux having explained before that he needn’t be. But apparently Ren did really have some strange need to care of him. He visited every few hours or so, asking if he needed anything, even going as far at one point to plump out his pillows. It had been an incredibly odd sight.

Ren had also seemed to have chosen to make it his new mission to ensure that Hux’s water was topped up as if fearing that he would die from dehydration. Hux had of course pointed out that, given the intravenous drip that was attached to him, it was highly unlikely. 

After everything, Hux wanted to reassure Ren that he was fine, that he had nothing to worry about. As such, he decided for Ren’s sake to refrain from complaining about his detainment in medbay. Or well, at least not complain _too much_.

It also didn’t stop him from trying to change Ren’s mind either.

“KC-37 is just being dramatic and overly conscious,” Hux claimed with a wave of his hand, “Naturally, due to the perimeters of its coding, it’s programmed to put the health of its patient above all else. Nevertheless, it lacks the ability to pick up some of the subtler nuances found in humans. That is why, maybe it’d be best if I were to speak with one of the human staff here.”

“You already have,” Ren pointed out, which was technically true.

“Yes, but that was hours ago now! A lot can change in that time. And as I said before, it’s not as if I’m bedridden. Contrary to what you seem to believe, I’m not some invalid.”

“You know that even if they did agree, I wouldn’t allow them to discharge you so soon,” said Ren, choosing to ignore his other comments, making Hux wonder if he really did see view him as being invalid.

“Oh, you wouldn’t, would you?” Hux echoed. “Are you really sure you’re not trying to keep me here as punishment?” Once upon a time he would have been absolutely livid that Ren presumed that he had any right whatsoever to prevent him from leaving. And while admittedly, it was still frustrating, Hux at least knew that it came from a place of genuine concern on Ren’s part; even if he was going a bit overboard about it.

“I’m definitely not trying to keep you here to punish you but considering how much time you spend working, I suppose I can understand why it might seem that way to you. Still, the truth is that you need time to recover and get better, something which you can’t do if you continue to overwork yourself and neglect your health. It’ll only make things worse in the long run.”

Much to his dismay, Hux knew that Ren had a point. If he kept on going the way he had been, he would surely collapse again and perhaps that time not be so lucky. Nevertheless, he refused to outright agree with Ren about it.

“And what makes you think that the medical staff here will obey your orders over mine?” Hux challenged, although there was no real heat in his tone; certainly not in the way there once would have been.

“Well, for starters, as you know, I can be _very_ persuasive,” answered Ren.

“Hmm. I will admit on that front, you are correct,” Hux conceded. “Well then, which of your powers of persuasion were you planning on using? The abilities of the Force to influence the doctor’s minds or are you going to be relying on your general intimidating demeanour to make them obey your commands?”

“I’ve found both to be equally effective,” said Ren, sounding rather smug. Hux could believe that easily. While the knight certainly had his faults and was lacking in military and tactical intelligence, the power he exuded both with his physical prowess and Force abilities was magnificent. Still, that didn’t mean he intended to give Ren an inch.

“Ah, in that case, maybe it’s best that I stick with the med-droid after all,” Hux said decidedly, “You can’t manipulate their minds the way you claim to be able to do so with organic beings, and droids are more in the realm of my expertise.”

Ren’s expression faltered slightly at his boast backfiring.

For whatever reason, it elicited a small chuckle from Hux. Ren, meanwhile immediately perked back up, as if he enjoyed hearing the sound immensely.

As much he would have liked the chance to persuade one of the human medical staff to discharge him, in the end, Hux felt far more comfortable being examined by a droid, disliking the thought of anyone in the First Order being able to see him in such a ridiculously vulnerable position; even if it was technically their job to take care of ill and wounded officers aboard. With a droid at the very least, it was easy enough to have its memory erased if one felt it was absolutely necessary. The same, however, couldn’t be so easily done with humans; the only true way to guarantee that kind of erasure being through their deaths. Hux didn’t like that kind of waste, believing that every member of the Order was valuable and could present themselves as a useful resource one way or another. Nevertheless, it was the desire for that sort of erasure that had led Phasma to take his father’s life, in spite of Brendol being the one who had brought her into the Order in the first place.

Then again, Brendol was directly responsible for hiss existence and Hux had utterly relished in the man’s gruesome demise. Hating waste or not, Hux doubted that he could ever be convinced that Brendol hadn’t completely outlived his usefulness to the Order.

“So, how are things going on the bridge?” Hux asked, at present having being away for over three whole cycles already.

Ren had revealed to him that before Hux had first gained consciousness after his accident, and despite not wanting to leave his side, he had managed to tear himself away from medbay to go to the bridge. At that point not knowing when Hux would actually wake up again, Ren thought it was best to address things before any officers started to question their General’s absence.

“I told them you had special orders from Supreme Leader Snoke and that as a result you would likely be indisposed for the next several cycles.”

While it was a tad annoying that Ren had decided he would be incapacitated for that long – which in the end did actually become the truth – Hux was pleased that Ren had even thought to go to the bridge at all. In the past, and that included when they had just started to sleep and spent time together with any regularity, he had always gotten the impression that Ren thought that such duties where beneath him. It had frustrated Hux to no end, as if Ren believed that a ship the size of the Finalizer, let alone an entire fleet could somehow magically run and manage itself.

Hux wasn’t sure if Ren took his role as co-commander more seriously than he had given him credit for or if he was doing it for Hux’s sake. Nevertheless, Hux was thankful and felt further reassured, well aware no one would dare to question – at least not publicly – the word of both Lord Ren, as well as Leader Snoke himself. 

“I bet Canaday was pleased that he gets to run the bridge while I’m occupied carrying out my _special orders_ ,” Hux had bemoaned as he imagined the old Imperial flaunting his authority all over the Finalizer bridge.

“I did get that impression from him,” Ren confirmed, much to Hux’s dismay. “But if it makes you feel any better, his satisfaction was incredibly short-lived.”

“Oh?” Hux had been surprised at that.

“Well, I reminded him that as I’m co-commander that I would be attending to things and overseeing the daily running of the bridge in your absence.”

While Hux wasn’t sure just how true to his word that Ren would be, he had been unable to help himself from smirking. “I’m certain he didn’t like that.”

“Oh, not at all,” said Ren, grinning himself. “I thought that would please you to hear.”

“It does, indeed. Thank you, Ren.”

At Hux’s thanks, Ren bent over and kissed him on the nose. “You’re very welcome.”

Previously Ren had kissed him on the forehead. Hux wasn’t sure if it said something about him that it felt almost as intimate – if not more so – than had it been on his lips. There was also the fact that in the past, they hadn’t exactly been in the habit of saying things such as ‘thank you’ and ‘you’re welcome’ to one and other. In the end, Hux decided that it was something he would consider in greater detail at a later date, and preferably when he wasn’t confined to a bed in medbay.

While he had the outmost confidence in his subordinates, Hux still found it reassuring that Ren was there overseeing things for him, even if presently it was mostly letting the crew get on with their day-to-day business. He was well aware however that if they were even the remotest bit closer to locating the Resistance’s whereabouts, it would be a different matter completely. There was also that while he had decided to take a slight back-seat over the next few cycles due to Ren’s insistence, Hux had managed to convince the knight to return his datapad to him – which much to immense pleasure hadn’t been damaged when he had collapsed – on the provision that he oversee things from afar and not give any direct orders.

“If I don’t know what’s happening on the ship, I’ll lose my mind, especially when I’m laying here doing absolutely nothing,” he had declared, almost frantically. How Ren honestly expected him to ‘relax’ and ‘take it easy’ as he so put it, while he no idea what was going on with his ship, Hux had no clue.

“You’re recovering, that’s not doing nothing,” Ren had attempted to reason.

Hux rolled his eyes. “Oh, come off it.”

“I’m serious.”

“And I’m quite sure you would feel the same if you were the one lying here incapacitated and the Resistance and that sca –” Hux stopped himself, still feeling guilty from the last time he had brought the girl up to Ren. “And that scum that make them up were to attack the fleet.”

“For starters, I wouldn’t allow myself to become incapac–” Just as Hux had done, Ren bit his tongue. He sighed heavily. “Alright. I get your point.”

Ren had handed his datapad over to him after that, albeit with some reluctance, making Hux promise that he would merely supervise and not engage in any of his normal duties; that Ren would handle everything. Remembering just how he had behaved a few cycles before when he thought he had lost his datapad, Hux supposed he couldn’t blame Ren too much for being cautious. He had acted erratically after all; his usual pristine desk and the surrounding floor scattered with blueprints.

While he was true to his word to Ren and didn’t give any orders himself, he had immediately contacted Mitaka, asking to be apprised of what was going on the with the bridge and be given regular updates regarding the rest of the ship every few hours or so. Mitaka, as expected, had reported back dutifully and didn’t ask any questions when Hux informed him not to let anyone else know of their correspondence.

Ren, however, had appeared rather put out about when Hux had told him of what he had asked of the lieutenant.

“I don’t understand. I’m the one in charge, who’s actually managing things. Why do you need to receive reports from _him_ when you can much more easily ask me in person? Do you not trust me to take care of things for you?” Ren had complained, his arms folded over his chest.

“It’s not that, Ren. It’s simply that Mitaka has more experience than you do when it comes to matters relating to the daily machinations of the bridge and the rest of the ship,” Hux had tried to explain as diplomatically as he could, “There’s also the matter that you…” Hux trailed off.

“Also, the matter of what?”

“Well, your reports tend to be lacking in any real detail.” Hux had long since given up demanding mission reports from Ren for his records. They either failed to materialise at all or were so sparse on actual information on anything that had occurred that they were essentially worthless.

“That’s because there’s nothing ever to report on. It’s always the same.”

Hux had sighed despairingly. He really was thankful for Mitaka’s regular updates. A promotion for the young Lieutenant was definitely in order.

“Things on the bridge are going smoothly,” said Ren, in response to his most recent enquiry regarding it. “Though, I’m sure Lieutenant Mitaka has informed you of that already in one of his hourly reports.”

Hux thought Ren sounded rather petulant as he said, almost as if he jealous. He was sure that couldn’t possibly be it, but nevertheless he thought it best to smooth things over.

“It reassures me just as much to hear that from you as Mitaka. Mitaka is only a Lieutenant while you are co-commander of this vessel after all. You’re also in charge in my absence. As such, it is your opinion that matters most.”

“Oh? And is that the only reason why, General?” asked Ren, leaning forward from his eat.

Hux huffed, feeling his cheeks redden lightly. He chose that moment to stare down at his datapad, before embarrassedly, muttering, “Fool. Of course you know that’s not the only reason.”

Ren chuckled and Hux was sure that he had heard Ren laugh more in the past few cycles than he had in the entirety of knowing him. It was a pleasant sound, and since he had managed not to ruin everything between them, Hux hoped to hear more of it as time went on.

A few moments later there was a knock on the door and Hux glanced up to see the familiar med-droid KC-37 who was responsible for his care enter the room. “General Hux, I am here to – Ah, Lord Ren, you are here too yet again, I see.”

“Yes, I’m here. Is that a problem?” Ren challenged, unimpressed.

“Of course not, sir,” KC-37 replied simply, “Your presence is not unwelcome or considered an intrusion here at all.” 

If Hux didn’t know any better, he would have thought that the droid was mocking Ren, and he may even have laughed aloud if he hadn’t suddenly become aware of the tray the droid was holding in its arms. Seeing, Hux immediately tensed. 

“Ah, it’s mealtime again already then?” he said, trying to keep his voice steady while internally filling with anxiety. He imagined that Ren must have felt it from him as well less the man probably would have lashed out at the droid for its comments already.

“Yes sir,” KC-37 confirmed, “While you are currently attached to an intravenous drip that replenishes the fluids you have lost, it is still incredibly important that you continue to physically eat when you are able, therefore I have brought this meal that was specifically prepared for you. It is made up of a simple but nutritious paste-based substance that considering your recent trouble eating, should be easy enough for you to digest without too much trouble. However, if you feel that it is still too much for you to consume at this time, I can –”

Hux held up his hand. “No. That…That won’t be necessary. Please bring it here to me.”

The droid did as it was ordered, placing the tray on the small compartment above his lap.

“Thank you,” said Hux, “That will be all.” And with a small bow KC-37 left.

Hux frowned, staring down at the tray in front of him. He was disappointed in himself, finding that he still had some difficulty in actually eating. Not long after he had awoken he had turned down Ren’s offer of bringing him something to eat, the thought of consuming anything, let alone in front of Ren, filling him with an immense sense of dread. He had to decline Ren a couple of times before Ren seemed to grasp that eating really was an issue for him; that it wasn’t just a case of Hux being unwilling and wanting to deprive himself, that it ran deeper than that.

Hux, of course, had felt completely ashamed.

Refusing anything that required much chewing, Hux had at least managed to have a small bowl of soup. He discovered that it helped to imagine it as some thick kind of caf from another world that he simply wasn’t used to.

On one particular occasion when he felt he might actually suffer an anxiety attack, he imagined it as a cup of hot chocolate like the kind offered to him by that kitchen women who had worked at his father’s academy back on Arkanis. Most of his memories from that time in his life were unpleasant – not that the following years after had exactly been stellar either – but the ones of the kind young woman giving him hot chocolate whenever he stuck down to the kitchens to escape Brendol were pleasant enough.

A cycle or so earlier, Ren had happened to show up while he was in the middle of having some soup, resulting in Hux almost choking on it, his throat feeling as if was about to close up. It had lasted only a few seconds at most, but it had still been a frightening experience. Ren had looked panicked when he saw him, and lying, Hux had told him that the soup had simply gone down the wrong way. And while he wasn’t sure how much Ren actually believed him on that, he thankfully never pressed him about it.

The few times since when he was brought something to eat, Ren had fortunately either been overseeing things on the bridge or training. As such, now happened to be the first time since then that Ren being present and Hux being brought something to eat overlapped.

“So, would you like me to go as well?” Ren asked tentatively, both his and tone and body language indicating that really it was the last thing he wanted to do.

A part of Hux screamed ‘yes’, wanting nothing more than for Ren to leave and not to have to witness him in such a pathetic state in which he struggled to eat even a simple meal. And yet there was another part that wouldn’t allow himself to relent so easily without at least making some sort of an attempt. He was a General in the First Order, after all. He also knew that he would have to eat in front of Ren again eventually. Furthermore he generally liked Ren’s presence here, sure that his stint in medbay would be made completely insufferable without his frequent visits, even if he did still have reservations about Ren seeing him so weakened.

“It’s fine. You don’t’ need to go,” Hux told him with a confidence he certainly didn’t possess. And while he was sure Ren wouldn’t suddenly look upon him with disgust if he failed, it was still rather nerve-wracking.

Ren meanwhile simply seemed pleased that he wasn’t being kicked out.

“I can always bring you something else if you’d prefer,” Ren offered when Hux made no move to eat what was before him.

Hux shook his head. “No. This is quite fine,” he said, picking up the spoon. “So then, why don’t you tell me about your last mission. It sounds like you had a difficult time throughout it.”

“There’s not much to say really, only that it was ridiculously frustrating,” replied Ren, his brows furrowing as he appeared to recall it.

“Still, I’d like very much to hear,” Hux urged. The truth was he wanted a distraction while he ate, or rather _attempted to_ eat. As things stood, he doubted that he would be able to make conversation and eat at the same time. And it would only be made even more impossible if Ren sat there watching him in awkward silence.

Ren agreed without protest, Hux wondering if he had heard the pleading in his tone.

As he listened to Ren telling him about how he had tracked down his first target on his mission, Hux brought the spoon to his mouth. Thankfully, the paste-based substance required minimal chewing and although there was a moment when he feared he might actually retch, he managed to swallow it down without incident.

Ren continued on talking, making no indication that he even noticed him eating, much to Hux’s relief.

Eventually Hux was able to eat – albeit at a very slow pace – without thinking too much about it, having found himself engrossed in Ren’s tale. While it was true that he had wanted something to take his mind off the task of eating, he did possess a strong curiosity about Ren’s work – far different from his own – again having been able to gleam very little about the actual details from the scant mission debriefs Ren provided. As such, Hux listened on to Ren speaking with interest and mild awe. And despite claiming that there wasn’t much to say, Ren spoke about it for a good while, seeming to revel in having Hux’s complete attention on him, becoming more emotive as he continued on speaking. Hux, meanwhile would be lying if he didn’t say he had been somewhat turned on at one particular point when Ren described how he had took down one of the targets that had given him difficulty in tracking down.

“Well, despite the struggle you endured, it’s sounds like you wholly succeeded in your mission. I’m very impressed,” Hux told him sincerely and while Ren practically beamed at the praise, Hux suddenly found himself wanting to apologise to Ren for not giving him a warmer reception when he had returned after finally completing his mission, instead having to deal with Hux in his frantic state.

He decided not to say anything however, not wanting to bring the mood down, especially given that it was likely that Ren would feel the need to apologise as well.

“Hey, you managed to eat most of your meal,” Ren pointed out, still grinning over Hux’s words. “That’s great.”

“Ah, yes,” said Hux somewhat self-consciously. Nevertheless, he was happy that Ren had at least waited to comment on it until after he had finished eating.

“I’m really –”

“Ren, I swear that if you’re about to say that you’re proud of me, I will pour what’s left in this bowl over your head,” warned Hux, glaring.

“I wasn’t going to say that,” Ren defended. Although Hux certainly wasn’t convinced.

Sighing, Hux lifted the tray and held it out. “Here, put this somewhere out of the way would you?” Ren quickly took it from him without protest.

“While I’m glad – which is what I was actually going to say, by the way – that you were able to eat something, this doesn’t exactly look like the most appetising thing in the galaxy,” commented Ren, staring down at the remains of the meal with mild disgust.

“The taste was acceptable enough. It also happens to be one of the few things that I can actually manage to eat right now,” replied Hux, trying not to sound defensive.

“Are you sure you don’t want to bring you something else?” asked Ren, placing the tray down. “Not right now since you’ve just eaten of course, but next time.”

Stars, Hux wondered how long Ren actually expected him to be here.

“It’s fine, Ren. It tastes just as good as any ration bar or protein pack I’ve ever eaten.”

“That’s my point exactly. You deserve better than this.” Hux stilled at that, unable but to help but recall Brendol’s when it came to him regarding food.

_A weak and useless child like yourself doesn’t deserve this, Armitage. You know that already and yet you sit there still expecting something?_

Hux shook his head, frowning. “No. Anything else would simply be wasted on me.”

_Really, what’s the point of feeding someone who has absolutely no value in the first place? It’s a waste, that’s what it is! I should let you starve._

“After all, I fortunately lack your ridiculously extravagant tastes in food. Just one of the many advantages of not being brought up in the Republic, I suppose,” Hux added quickly, when seeing the look of concern on Ren’s face – not that it had exactly been an uncommon expression for him these past few cycles. While Hux hadn’t gone into too much detail, he had mildly hinted that his tenuous relationship with food was the result of how he was brought up, his father in particular being a major factor. The last thing he wanted however was for Ren to misconstrue his words and feel sorry for him. Although Hux gathered that really it was already a bit late for that.

“As long as whatever it is that I eat provides me with enough energy to do my job then that’s all that matters,” Hux continued, only to wince after saying so. After all, what he had been eating these past weeks hadn’t given him enough energy to do much of anything, let alone his job.

Expecting Ren to highlight this, Hux readied his retort, planning to reason that what he was eating was perfectly fine, it was simply that he hadn’t consumed enough of it to sustain him.

But to his surprise, Ren didn’t. Instead he sat down again, wearing a strangely soft expression on his face as if remembering something rather satisfying. To what that thing could be however, Hux had no idea.

But it turned out that he didn’t need to wait long to find out.

“You know, I really liked it when we started having dinner together every once in a while in your quarters,” said Ren, “It was something I always looked forward to.”

Hux had to admit, he had quite enjoyed the meals that he and Ren had shared together as well. Before that, he had found eating to be a chore more than anything else; would always be reading over some report or status update on his datapad as he ate, not wanting to have any of his precious worktime taken away from him because of something as mundane as eating.

He felt differently when he ate with Ren however, and unless, it was something pressing, he would usually put his datapad aside whenever they sat down to eat together.

Eventually he even stopped bringing it to the table altogether, albeit still kept it close by so he could hear any notifications. Although, really he had only started doing so after Ren’s continued insistence on the matter.

“Hasn’t anyone ever told you that it’s bad manners to read at the table?” Ren had once scolded him

Hux had snorted at that. “And what would _you_ of all people, possibly know about good manners?”

That had unsurprisingly led to an argument. Nevertheless, in the long run, Hux had relented. And so it was that Kylo Ren had somehow accomplished the impressive feat of not only getting Hux to eat with him but also prying him away from his datapad and taking a break from his work for longer than ten minutes at a time. 

“I did as well,” admitted Hux. “It was…well, nice.” Other than Ren, the only person in his life he had really shared a one-to-one meal with on any regular basis had been Brendol. Back in his academy days he had eaten in the mess hall surrounded by his fellow cadets and then when he graduated, with his fellow officers. He had never really sought out any one specific person to eat with during those times however, and eventually when he got promoted high enough that he had been given his own office, he started eating there or in his quarters, only going to the officer’s lounge on a rare occasion.

“I liked seeing you eating the food I ordered. You even seemed to enjoy it.” Again, while he was perfectly fine with a protein pack or the paste-based substance he had just consumed, Hux supposed he couldn’t deny that the meals that Ren sent for were rather tasty. Although admittedly some of the food so he hadn’t been able to eat too much of; it too rich for him, his stomach being used to plain foods.

“It was around that time that you started to smile a bit more too.”

“What? No, I’m sure you’re mistaken,” Hux quickly replied, caught off guard.

“It’s not a bad thing,” laughed Ren, “You have a really nice smile, you know.”

Hux felt his cheeks redden. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“Hey, I’m being honest. You do.” Hux wasn’t sure quite how to respond to that. He didn’t think he had been smiling more. Then again, there was a lot of things when it came to himself that he hadn’t been aware of lately. Nevertheless, he doubted that it looked _nice_.

“So I was thinking, especially with it being awhile given I was away for so long, that it’d be nice we start having dinner together like that again.”

Ren must have felt him tense, as he was quick to add, “Not right away. I know you’re still recovering, but when you’re feeling up to it.”

While it was true that he really had enjoyed having dinner together, if Hux were to return to eating the way when Ren was around before this happened, then surely he would –

“I promise to order you something so amazing that you won’t think twice about going back to eating protein packs, and whatever it was that you just finished,” Ren told him eagerly, “I was thinking maybe a delicacy from –”

“I can’t!” Hux blurted out, panic rising within him.

“What? Why?” asked Ren, both confused as well as visibly disappointed.

Hux looked away, overcome yet again with shame for his humiliating predicament.

“Hey, come on, talk to me,” Ren coaxed gently, reaching over and placing his hand on-top of Hux’s.

Inwardly Hux cursed. Gone where the days it seemed were he could so easily tell Ren to bugger off and mind his own kriffing business. He supposed it was just one of the burdens of having someone care about you and caring about their feelings in turn.

“Please, Hux,” urged Ren.

Hux exhaled, turning back. “I can’t because if I start eating that way again, I’ll simply end up putting all the weight I’ve lost straight back on again.”

“You’re worried about that?” questioned Ren, sounding aghast, “Hux, the weight you are now, it’s not healthy. And with the fact that you’ve barely being eating, surely you’d want to gain some –”

“I know that!” cried Hux, pulling his hand away from underneath Ren’s.

_Thin as a slip of paper and just as useless._

“I know that,” said Hux more calmly this time, “What I mean is, I don’t want to put back on the weight I gained after I started eating so lavishly. And before you say anything, I’m aware that before that I was on the thin side of what is considered normal, but it’s still…” He paused, sighing. “It’s better than allowing myself to become _fat_.” He said the word with disdain, the image of Brendol at his worst conjured in his mind.

“Hux, that’s ridiculous,” said Ren, shaking his head, “You won’t become overweight just because you indulge in something nice every once in a while. Not that you really did anyway. I mean, even when we did share a meal together, it wasn’t like you’d been eating all that much during the day.”

“Exactly! That just confirms it even more as to why I shouldn’t have deviated from my previous eating habits in the first place. If I gained so much weight when I wasn’t even overindulging as you’ve claimed, then just think about much I more I would put on if I started to!”

“No. I would risk it,” he stated firmly, unconsciously wrapping his arms around himself.

“Hux, you’re making it sound like you even gained that much weight in the first place. I hadn’t even noticed until I had my arms around you. Really what you put on was nothing at all,” Ren attempted to reason.

Hux scoffed. “Of course it was. There was at least enough excess fat for you to repeatedly pinch at my stomach anyway.”

Ren winced, looking somewhat ashamed.

“I know now that you weren’t trying to taunt me it and that you didn’t leave that night because you were disgusted by it,” Hux said more softly. As much as he believed him that the reason he had to rush off that time was so he could resume his mission, Hux still found himself unsure as to whether Ren hadn’t been secretly repelled by what he had witnessed; hiding his actual feelings in the form of mocking him – or light teasing as Ren preferred to view it as having been. Hux didn’t think it was that farfetched an assumption. After all, with a body as perfectly cultivated as Ren’s own, surely he would be put off by such a glaring flaw in the person he was sleeping with.

“Of course not.”

“Nevertheless, I should be more vigilant when it comes to what I eat. That’s why I believe it would probably be for the best if I just returned to my previous eating habits.”

For Hux, it wouldn’t exactly be much of a hardship, especially given what little he was actually capable of eating presently. He was aware that he may feel differently when he was back to being able to eat solid foods without it being a problem, but more so whenever he saw Ren partaking in some delicious meal. He would survive however. Ren on the other hand looked completely dejected by his declaration, something Hux found utterly baffling considering it wasn’t Ren himself who was the one going to be losing out on anything.

It quickly struck Hux, that perhaps Ren had misinterpreted his words to imply that he didn’t want them to have dinner together at all, which after admitting how much he enjoyed them to Hux, would certainly be a blow for Ren.

However, just as Hux opened his mouth to inform the other man that this wasn’t the case, Ren spoke up.

“You know, the truth is, when I saw the weight you had put on that night, it…” Ren hesitated for a brief moment, “It actually made me happy.”

Hux’s eyes widened at that. “Happy?” he echoed in disbelief. Surely he had misheard. “How in the world could something like that possibly make you happy?”

After a moment Hux figured it out. Ren was clearly trying to spare his feelings. He repressed a sigh. “Look Ren, you don’t need to force yourself to say such a thing to try and make me feel better or whatever it is you’re trying to do. I understand that I –”

“I’m not just saying that, I swear. It made me happy that you put on weight because before you were _so thin_.”

Upon hearing Ren’s words, Hux felt his heart sink down to the pit of his stomach. Of course him being so skinny would be an issue for Ren. It had always been a problem for Hux. After all, Brendol hadn’t been the only person to highlight his exceedingly thin frame when he had been growing up, with many of his instructors at the academy taking the opportunity to point it out whenever they got the chance. Even when he had made sure to eat everything on his plate at mealtimes, he could never seem to gain any weight. It was something that had followed him into and lived with him in adulthood. Or it had until recently.

Hux was at a loss. Ren thought he was too thin, but if he was to increase his food intake then he risked becoming overweight. And again neither of those things could possibly be appealing to someone like Ren, who’s own body was so well sculptured. If he remained the way he was now, he would be forever skinny, weak and frail, but if he started to eat more, he would become, fat, weak and soft.

“I don’t mean that you being thin is a bad thing, though!” Ren spat out hurriedly, evidently seeing the hurt on Hux’s face, “Honestly, I love your body! It’s incredible!”

Ren must have realised what he had just said as a flush quickly rose onto his cheeks. Hux, meanwhile, could feel the same redness spreading over his own.

“It’s just... I’ve always had a large appetite, even when I was younger and, well, a lot smaller than I am now. So when we first started spending more time together and I saw how little you ate, it worried me. Your meals were always so tiny that I wondered how you even survived, especially given how hard you work and how little rest you actually get.”

Sheepishly, Ren added, “I used to try and bring it up, hoping maybe it would spur you into eating more.”

“Yes, I…I recall that,” Hux managed out eventually, his cheeks still red from Ren’s declaration about loving his body. And while it was unlikely to be true, it had still caught him off guard. “You would scoff and make some rude comment about whatever I happened to be eating at the time.”

“Yeah, you got so annoyed, telling me to shut up and mind my own damned business or get out,” replied Ren, rubbing the back of his neck. “I guess that was just my way of trying to show concern about you without, you know, saying what I really meant.”

Hux could empathise with that. Anything remotely to do with emotions or personal feelings not directly related to his job and the Order, he seemed to fail in expressing himself miserably.

“But I suppose it didn’t really come across that way.”

“Oh, and here all this time I thought you were simply being your usual obnoxious, boorish self,” said Hux, although again there was no real malice in his words; something which Ren picked up on given the small chuckle he let out.

“Well, it did take a while but you did eventually start eating more. Proper meals and everything. I was stunned!”

“I’m afraid you didn’t give me much of a choice what with the ridiculously excessive amount of food you would order to my quarters almost every time you showed up. If I didn’t eat what was leftover, of which there _always_ _was_ , it would simply go to waste. And given that what was left could usually last me at least a few cycles, that would be completely unacceptable.”

All of a sudden, Hux was hit with a sudden realisation. “Hold on a moment!” he cried, bolting upright. “You did that on purpose, didn’t you? You started having meals in my quarters and always ordered so much because you knew that I wouldn’t be able to tolerate the waste and would therefore have no choice but to eat what remained!”

“Oh, you, uh, figured it out, huh?” Ren replied, at least having the decency to look somewhat guilty.

“Ren!”

Now that Hux thought about it, Ren had implied once – the very first time that they had shared a meal together he was sure – that it would reassure him to know that Hux was eating well. At the time of course, Hux had been baffled by the sentiment before quickly shoving it out of his mind.

“So all of that was just to make sure that I ate properly?” He had always assumed that Ren ordering so much food came down to his extravagant upbringing in the Republic, infuriatingly ignorant to the fact that what went uneaten would have to be tossed away.

“I didn’t mean to deceive you,” admitted Ren, sounding apologetic, “I just wanted to know that you would be okay when I wasn’t around. At least when it came to you eating enough.”

“I see…” Then after a moment. “Wait, it wasn’t all just some attempt to fatten me up or something like that was it?” questioned Hux, honestly not sure what to think, particularly considering Ren had brought up about having found him so thin.

“No! Of course not!” Ren declared loudly, “I mean, I didn’t think it would be such a bad thing if you did happen to put some weight on and when I saw and touched your stomach the last night we were together, I really liked it. Honestly, it just looked so –” Ren paused, looking slightly mortified, realising that once again he had been about to say something embarrassing. “But I swear that wasn’t my intention! Like I said, it just worried me when I saw how little you ate. I wanted to try and help; to uh, take care of you.”

“I…I never asked for that,” replied Hux, on one hand furious that Ren thought he needed to be taken care of and coddled like some helpless child. On the other hand however, he was rather touched; unable to think of the last time someone had shown him such concern about him before.

“I know, and I realise how stupid it probably sounds, especially since it wasn’t as if you were doing poorly or starving before I came along. I just…” Ren groaned, clearly frustrated at not being able to express himself in the way he wanted, “It wasn’t the only reason though. Suggesting sitting down to eat together, it gave me a reason to stick around your quarters. Instead of just leaving right away after we had sex.”

In the early days of their liaisons, Hux would kick Ren out not long after they had finished if he hadn’t already left of his own accord. Although back then, Ren hadn’t really given much indication that he minded, having gotten what he had come there for and thus having no reason to remain. At some point that had changed of course, not just for Ren, but for the both of them. Exactly when however, Hux couldn’t quite say.

After the destruction of Starkiller? No. It had likely been before even then; Hux doubting that either of them would have sought comfort in each other in the way they had without already having some sort of connection, no matter how distraught in the aftermath they had been.

“But I really did enjoy it whenever we had dinner together. I liked getting to spend time with you when we weren’t just having sex. Not that the sex wasn’t great, of course, because it was.”

“I feel the same way. Although I didn’t quite realise it until recently,” Hux admitted openly in a way he would have never done before. Then with a sly smile, added, “And yes, you’re right, the sex was rather good.”

“I don’t know about you, but when we had dinner, it made me feel like we were really together as well,” Ren said softly as if tentatively revealing some secret.

“We were sharing a meal in the same room, of course we were together,” replied Hux, baffled by Ren’s statement. “Unless you’re somehow implying that all that time I was actually eating with some holographic image of you.”

“What? No. I don’t mean together like that.”

Hux frowned, not comprehending in the slightest. “Like what then?”

“I mean, together, as in being in a relationship with each other.” Ren awkwardly coughed into his hand. “Uh, courting, or dating I suppose.”

Hux’s eyebrows rose. “Oh.”

Courting? Dating? Hux supposed that was what most people did; humans anyway. He had always considered it beneath him, however. It may have been something that the rest of the galaxy could indulge in and dedicate ridiculous amounts of their time on, but Hux refused to waste his on such frivolities. After all, he was destined for something great, something that demanded his full attention for him achieve. Ren was similar, he too aspiring for greatness, albeit in his own way. And while their goals may be different in many aspects – although they both desired victory for the Order – perhaps such dedication to achieving their objectives meant it made sense that they were together in a relationship; dating even.

Hux didn’t get much time to process this fact however, as solemnly, Ren said, “I understand that you probably regret all of it now considering that it led to you winding up here; to you getting hurt.”

“No. I don’t regret it,” replied Hux, finding that he truly meant it; his breakdown after his failed attempt to banish Ren from his life, a powerful reminder of just much the knight had come to mean to him. “What led to this was my own weakness and failure to address certain things afflicting me. If I had been more vigilant then…” Hux shook his head. “I regret that, but no, not our…well, our relationship.” There was no denying it now. They were undoubtably in one. And if the past few cycles had taught him anything, it was far beyond merely being sexual in capacity.

Ren’s eyes lit up at Hux’s acknowledgement of their relationship. Nevertheless, he was quick to chide Hux for his self-recrimination. “Hey, don’t say you’re that. You’re anything but weak. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

Before Hux got the chance to respond, Ren reached out to him and gently cupped his cheek in his hand. “You’re the one who will lead us to victory against the Resistance after all. The Great General Hux.”

Hux left out a weary sigh, and unable to resist leaning into Ren’s touch, said, “Ren, you really are the worst kind of flatterer, you know that.”

“I’m not flattering you,” Ren protested, then, “Well, maybe I’m trying to a little bit, but I mean it. You’re incredible.” Hux had been told things such thing before. Incredibly, great, amazing etc. but it had always came from sycophantic officers wanting to garner favour with him. Ren, however, sounded completely sincere in his words, like he truly believed in his strength. And while it seemed a ludicrous statement considering where Hux was presently, it wasn’t an unwelcome one.

“Incredible, hmm. Just like my body supposedly is?” Hux teased, highlighting Ren’s earlier comment, which admittedly was most likely in a weak attempt to hide his insecurity.

Ren flushed, but to Hux’s surprise, the other man didn’t refute it, simply saying, “Yes. Just like your body.”

Hux chuckled weakly, it residing somewhere between sad and amused.

“Hey, come on now, it’s unfair for you to keep laughing when I’m trying to be honest,” Ren reprimanded lightly.

“Don’t worry. I’m not laughing at you. It’s just…” Hux closed his eyes, taking a moment to enjoy Ren’s touch. He really did love how large Ren’s hands were; how they managed to almost entirely cup Hux’s face in his palm.

“It’s just what?” Ren urged lightly.

Hux opened his eyes again as they went to meet Ren’s. “I just find it difficult to believe that you could find it – my body that is – in any way pleasing.”

“What? How could I not?”

Hux bit his lip. “You honestly don’t find it lacking in any way?” asked Hux in disbelief, contempt for his body welling up inside at just the thought of it.

“Not at all,” Ren answered without hesitation. “The first time you undressed in front me, when I first saw you naked, I was completely stunned.”

“By how skinny I was?” said Hux dejectedly, knowing just how much larger his uniform made him appear. Even for someone like Ren who by now would be undoubtedly used to being much larger than those around him, seeing how thin Hux was underneath his uniform, it would still have likely come as a shock. And as much as he was attracted to Ren and wanted to sleep with the gorgeous man who radiated unyielding and raw power, the thought of Ren seeing him naked and how desperately thin and frail he truly was had almost stopped him in from going ahead with it already; so worried was he of Ren looking at his body with disdain and mocking him. Nevertheless the allure of getting to sleep with the leader of the Knights of Ren and to bear witness to his magnificent body and indulge in it was far too much for Hux to resist in the end.

“No. I was taken aback by how beautiful you were,” Ren answered as he began to gently stroke Hux’s cheek with his thumb.

Hux’s eyes widened. Beautiful? But that was…that was ridiculous! Ren couldn’t really think such a thing, could he?

Hux doubted he would be able to take it if the other man was simply trying to placate him, which of course was obviously the case as there was absolutely no way Ren considering him to be beautiful could possibly be true.

And yet nothing in Ren’s demeanour or tone indicated that it was in any way meant as a joke. Neither did he think Ren was capable of being that cruel, at least not to Hux anyway.

Panic started to rise upside him. “Ren, please don’t,” he begged and as he started to turn his head to look away, Ren reached out and cupped his other cheek, stopping him.

“No. I know I’ve said it a lot today but I swear it’s true,” Ren told him resolutely, carefully tilting his head in hands towards him so that Hux had no choice but to look at him, “And I know as well that I’ve never actually said it out loud before, but I should have. And I’m sorry that I didn’t. You’re beautiful, Hux.”

Hux was absolutely speechless. He opened his mouth but no sound came out. In truth, he had no idea how to respond. Everything inside him, everything he knew about himself and had learned throughout his life, his entire being screamed out that it was a lie. There was no way he could ever appear beautiful to someone. It contradicted everything the universe – _his father_ – had taught him, and yet Ren appeared to believe it with such conviction that to try and dispute it seemed like it would be almost cruel to Ren himself.

Tears started to well up in his eyes. Kriff. Crying yet again. And here he hoped he could go at least another two decades without doing so.

“I thought you were beautiful that night when I came back to see you. I’d missed you so much. You don’t know how hard it was for me to leave after finally getting to be with you after so long. All I wanted was to just lie there with you for hours, especially after I felt your stomach.” Ren told him softly as he used his thumb to wipe away a stray tear that had run down Hux’s cheek, “It was so nice. But you know I’d find you beautiful no matter what. No matter how you looked.”

Hux let out a weak laugh. “I find it hard to believe that you could possibly find me in any way attractive the way I am now. I look an utter mess,” said Hux, not only referring to his red rimmed eyes due to crying.

While there was a mirror in the refresher attached to his room, he had avoided looking into it so far, only having caught a few short glimpses of himself in it by accident out of the corner of his eye. From a few hours ago however, he had been – and could only assume still was – woefully pale. Not that such a thing was exactly out of the ordinary for him. Furthermore, despite having done nothing particularly strenuous since his admission to medbay, he still retained prominent bags under his eyes. His hair, meanwhile, free from its usual confines of pomade, was in a stay of disarray, strands of it resting untidily on his forehead. And then on his chin, there was even the beginnings of some stubble. He had never let his facial hair get to this stage in his life! And although he hadn’t commented on it, Hux couldn’t help but wonder if Ren could feel it on his chin against his hands. Finally, there was also the fact he was currently wearing a thin hospital gown, which could in no way be considered flattering.

As such, overall, Hux thought he looked the exact opposite of beautiful.

“Not to me, you don’t,” answered Ren, lifting one of his hands upwards so that it rested on Hux’s head. “You still look amazing.”

Hux snorted. He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. When had Ren ever been conventional about anything after all? Then again, wasn’t there a phrase from one of the core worlds? That beauty is in the eye of the beholder?

“I suppose I really have no choice but to take your word for it,” said Hux, relenting.

Ren chuckled. “Nope. I’m afraid not.”

Hux broke into a smile, a few stray tears still manging to make their way down his cheeks. “So unreasonable.”

“But you do know that all that really matters to me is that you’re healthy, right?” said Ren more seriously, “While I don’t think you should deprive yourself, I’m not going to force you to eat anything you don’t want to. As long as you don’t starve yourself that is.” Hux supposed he couldn’t argue with that.

“Does the thought of me being…” Hux hesitated for a moment, not sure exactly how to phrase it. “…well-fed really make you that happy?”

Ren nodded. “It does,” replied Ren as he began to comb his fingers through Hux’s hair. “But you being well is what matters the most.”

Hux couldn’t help but wonder were such a need had stemmed from. Having grown up in the New Republic, not to mention having Leia Organa as his mother, Ren would have never had to worry about having enough to eat. Perhaps he misconstrued Hux lack of a large appetite as him being malnourished? Although, that didn’t exactly explain his further desire to take care of him in general. But that was something to ponder on at a later time. In the meanwhile, he was rather enjoying the sensation of Ren softly stroking his hair. As embarrassing as a gesture as it was – he was a human being after all, not some captive animal or a lesser sentient species who required petting for reassurance and affection – he had to admit it was rather soothing.

“You don’t know how often I wanted to reach over and do this while we were lying in bed together,” Ren said contentedly after a few minutes had passed by, continuing to caress his head.

Yes, before such intimacy had never been permitted between them, not that such a thing had ever been agreed upon verbally. Perhaps if they had actually discussed they could have come to the conclusion far sooner that they both enjoyed it rather than feeling the need to hold back.

“It’s made even better when your hair’s like this. It feels so soft.” Hux could only presume that Ren was referring to the lack of pomade adorning it. He had debated the previous cycle of asking Ren to bring him a small tube of it from his quarters. As he couldn’t wear his uniform while in medbay, he thought if he could at least arrange his hair into its usual slicked back style, it would allow him to feel a small modicum of control in a situation where he was practically powerless. He had decided against it however, thinking it would look silly in contrast to the rest of his appearance. Also it would be a bit of a waste. And now having Ren run his fingers through his hair like this as well as Ren’s appreciation for it, he had to say he was glad he hadn’t asked Ren to bring it for him.

“It does feel rather nice,” Hux permitted himself to say.

Ren grinned. “Then I should have done this long ago. Kriff. I should have done a lot of things.”

“Oh?” Hux was curious, but now probably wasn’t the best time to enquire. He already at a lot to process. “Well, then, I’ll look forward to finding them out.” Or at least he hoped he would. Although it was unlikely that Ren was going to force him to do anything he didn’t want to.

Ren didn’t respond, instead he bend down closer, his hand carefully cradling his head and kissed him. It was their first proper kiss since Hux had gotten admitted to medbay.

“Ren,” Hux gasped breathlessly as their lips briefly parted. Stars. He had forgotten how amazing Ren’s felt against his own, and quickly he closed the distance between them, pressing their mouths back together as he grasped a hold of Ren’s shoulder for purchase. Ren leant further forward, pushing Hux back down against the pillow and mattress Hux didn’t need to strain himself.

As Ren shifted, deepening their kiss, for a moment Hux believed that Ren was actually going to climb up onto the bed and possibly on top of him – not that he would have minded in the slightest – however, apparently he wasn’t the only one who had assumed such a thing, as a robotic yet somewhat scandalised voice, cried out loudly, “Lord Ren, what are you doing?! That is completely inappropriate!”

They both startled at the intrusion. The voice belonging to none other than KC-37. Ren growled in annoyance as he pulled away from Hux and stood up, not pleased in the slightest at being disturbed. Meanwhile, Hux’s cheeks reddened, embarrassed at being caught out by the droid once again. He supposed at least time this time they had gotten to actually kiss before being interrupted.

“General, are you alright?” asked the med-droid.

“Yes, I’m quite fine. Was there –”

“General Hux is here to recover from his ordeal and heal, not for you to climb all over him, Lord Ren,” KC-37 said admonishingly.

Ren’s hand shot up, undoubtably with the intent to harm, or what was more likely, to tear the droid apart using the Force. Hux quickly reached out however and grabbed a hold of Ren’s arm before he got the chance.

“Ren, _no_ ,” he said warningly.

Ren glanced down at him, obviously torn by his desire to destroy the droid and doing what Hux had asked of him. But eventually, with a frustrated huff, he lowered his arm. Hux grinned. Those rare times when Ren actually listened to his orders were indeed pleasing.

“I apologise for that, KC-37,” said Hux, letting go of Ren’s arm as he turned his attention to the med-droid, “You’re right, such behaviour is completely inappropriate here. I’m will ensure that Lord Ren refrains from such actions in the future.”

Ren shot him a annoyed look, no doubt in disbelief for over him for siding with a droid. Although Ren probably would have looked at him that way, whether it had been a droid or not.

“That’s quite alright, General,” KC-37 said agreeably enough to Hux. However, when it looked over to Ren, its tone becoming sharper. “But please do show some restraint, Lord Ren. The General is in a delicate state. It would not do well for you to crush him underneath that large body of yours.”

Hux could practically hear Ren gritting his teeth from beside him, anger emanating from him in waves as his fingers hovered above where his lightsaber sat on his belt.

Not wanting trouble, Hux immediately diverted KC-37’s attention to other matters, such as the fact he had managed to eat most of his meal. KC-37 was delighted. And as the med-droid, tray now in hand left, Hux wondered if KC-37 had any idea of just how close it had come to a most violent and brutal end.

“You did well in holding back, Ren. I’m impressed,” said Hux, meaning it. The droid really had been chancing its luck insulting Kylo Ren of all people.

“I don’t see why it would have mattered if I had destroyed the damned thing. It’s just one droid after all,” Ren muttered, sounding almost petulant.

“Droid or not, it is property of the First Order and it counts as a valuable medical resource to us. I won’t see you destroying it just because you’re frustrated. I see you do that often enough with the rest of the equipment on the ship.”

“It was insulting me!”

“I’m sure you’re just imagining things,” Hux replied dismissively. Although he was rather positive that Ren was correct.

Ren scoffed.

“What was that about you telling it that you would ensure that I refrained from such behaviour? I exactly didn’t see you trying to stop me from kissing you, General.”

“True,” Hux conceded. He had enjoyed it immensely after all. “But KC-37 is correct. It is rather inappropriate behaviour for medbay. If we were in my quarters there would be no issue of course, but I feel whilst here at least, that it would be best if we refrained from such –” Despite everything, Hux couldn’t quite bring himself to say intimacy. “Well, such overfamiliarity.”

Ren looked disappointed at that. Hux would have been a bit disappointed as well, if he didn’t already have something in mind to rectify the situation.

“It is a pity though. I did rather enjoy that,” Hux continued, raising his fingers to brush lightly against his lips. “Anyway, I’m sure we’ll be able to continue when I’m no longer stuck here.” He sighed. “Although, who knows whenever that will be.”

Ren folded his arms, appearing deep in thought as if debating something internally.

“What’s the matter?” Hux asked after a minute or so of silence.

“I don’t think you’re well enough to return to your duties,” Ren answered.

Hux rolled his eyes. “Yes Ren, you’ve made that abundantly clear already; _multiple_ times in fact.”

“And I’m right, but…” He paused. “Maybe while you aren’t fit enough to return to duty, you could at least return to your quarters.”

“Oh?”

“Well, you’ve been here almost three cycles now and that med-droid said by this stage, there was unlikely to be any complications. And I’m sure you’d feel more comfortable in your own rooms.”

 _What gave you that impression?_ Hux stopped himself from saying sarcastically.

“If you recovered there, I could ensure that you have everything that you need, and the droid can still check up on you regularly and bring your meals.

“If that’s what you want that is,” Ren added uncertainly, and Hux realised that Ren really didn’t want to force him to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with. Hux couldn’t help but smile. Although, how Ren could possibly think he might not want to leave here, he had no idea.

“You’re right, I would feel far more comfortable back in my own quarters,” Hux agreed.

Ren nodded. “Alright then. I’ll go talk to the head medic and see what they have to say about you leaving.”

“Thank you,” said Hux. Ren paused, looking very much like he wanted to bend down and kiss him, but given what Hux had just said, he appeared to be wavering. Seeing this, Hux reached over and gave Ren’s hand a soft squeeze, again a gesture that was much more affectionate that what either of them were accustomed to. Ren smiled, giving Hux’s hand a small squeeze in return.

“I won’t be long, General.”

With that, Ren left, and as he watched him leave to hunt down the doctor in charge, Hux felt somewhat triumphant. Nevertheless, it couldn’t compare to the feeling of warmth and the rapid beating of his chest as he recalled Ren’s words.

 _Beautiful_. Of all the ridiculous things. And yet as he leant back against the pillow, Hux couldn’t help but smile.

Closing his eyes, he waited patiently for Ren to return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks very much for reading! Feedback is much appreciated. :)
> 
> If you are reading this and do find yourself having trouble with eating or suffering from a disorder related with food (or any mental health problem really), please seek out help from from your doctor or a trained mental health professional. Really this is the proper help that Hux needs and should be getting but sadly I feel not much attention is given to mental health issues within the First Order. 
> 
> Feel free to poke me on [tumblr](https://yanyangire.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/yangiretrash).


	7. Chapter 7

In the end, the head physician in charge of the Finalizer’s medbay agreed that provided that KC-37 be allowed to show up regularly in his quarters, both to check on his vitals and to deliver his meals then Hux could be discharged. Hux was of course delighted when Ren told him the good news, and while his room in medbay hadn’t exactly been lacking or uncomfortable, he was still very much looking forward to returning to his own quarters and sleeping in his own bed.

From what Hux could tell, Doctor Kovna had been genuine in his opinion that Hux could spend the rest of his recovery as an outpatient as he put it – although Hux wasn’t exactly fond of the term – and that he hadn’t been coerced by Ren using either the Force or intimidation into agreeing so. Not that Hux believed that Ren really would abuse his power that way. At least not when Hux’s health was on the line; regardless of his desire to continue making out with him or whatever else Ren might have in mind for the both of them. However, at this stage Hux doubted that he would be able to manage anything particularly strenuous; still feeling somewhat exhausted.

Doctor Kovna advised him to take things easy, that he should shorten his shifts in length until he had recovered some more. He also wanted him to return in several days for a check-up. Hux didn’t exactly see the point given that KC-37 would be making regular visits to his quarters, but the physician advised that with some ailments it was better to discuss certain issues with a human being over a droid. Hux knew what he was referring to and would personally rather not talk about it at all, again it having been difficult and awkward enough already with Ren. Although admittedly, while he trusted Ren more, he was unsure if it would be less or more embarrassing.

Hux had been pleased when Ren had handed him his uniform as he prepared to leave medbay. And while he doubted he would have been forced out wearing some paper-thin gown, it was still a relief to have it returned to him and be able to put it back on. Even just the brush of it against his skin provided him with a strong sense of reassurance. He felt more powerful and in control wearing it, although he wasn’t sure if it was because it signified his rank – not that anyone in the First Order, ranging from the highest-ranking officer after himself, to a new stormtrooper recruit, wouldn’t able to recognise his appearance or voice – or the padding of the uniform itself making him look less feeble and skinny to those around him. Regardless, he felt far more comfortable with it on; like a second skin.

“Stars. It’s nice to be out of that room,” said Hux, allowing himself a small exhale of relief, the moment he exited medbay.

However, after a few steps, he found himself pausing.

Ren quickly halted. “What’s wrong? If you’re feeling tired, I can carry you to your quarters if you wish, General,” Ren offered offhandedly. Hux glared at him, unsure if the knight was actually jousting with him or if he actually possessed some strange desire to carry him. Whatever one it was, Hux wouldn’t put it past the knight.

“Don’t you dare,” Hux warned, the thought of Ren lifting him into his arms in the middle of a corridor, mortifying him greatly. Actually it would be mortifying for Ren to lift him into his arms anywhere he was sure. Where ever it happened, Hux couldn’t possibly fathom the sight they would make.

“What’s the matter, then? Did you change your mind about wanting to leave medbay?” Ren asked tentatively, “If you want to go back, I –”

“What? No, of course not,” Hux quickly replied, wincing at the thought of having to return there when he had just escaped. “My hair is just a bit of a mess is all and I’d rather my subordinates not see me in such a dishevelled state” he explained, refraining from the urge to run his fingers through it to smooth it down. As nice as it had felt with Ren doing so earlier in addition to praising how soft it felt, Hux was beginning to think that perhaps he should have insisted on Ren bringing him some pomade after all. A proper shave would have been nice as well.

However, while he had managed to resist touching his hair, it didn’t stop Ren who reached up and placed his hand on top of his head. “It looks and feels fine to me.”

“Ren!” Hux cried, immediately shaking his hand off. “I would much rather have my hair in a complete state of disarray than being seen by some officer or stormtroopers coming around the corner with your hand resting on top of my head. I’ve already suffered enough indignation both in public and private this past week without experiencing even more.”

Hux had no idea if Ren was pouting under that helmet of his or not, Ren having put it on before going to discuss Hux with Doctor Kovna about him being discharged. But given his sudden silence, Hux got the impression that Ren probably was.

As they continued walking towards his quarters, Hux debated having a shower. Not just a sonic one but an actual water shower. While admittedly the warm stream of water would no doubt feel wonderfully pleasant against his skin in addition to helping soothe his still slightly aching muscles, in a way it would actually be more for Ren’s benefit; his intention being to invite Ren to join him. At the moment he may not be able to indulge in the foods Ren wanted him to, but he could at least offer Ren this. Although, he did hope that Ren didn’t expect anything too physical as they occupied the small shower cubicle were Ren’s large form would be forced close against his own slighter body.

He repressed a smile, knowing that regardless, Ren would surely appreciate the gesture.

Unfortunately he never got the chance to present the idea to Ren as when they had reached the floor where Hux’s quarters resided, Ren abruptly stopped before turning and telling Hux that Snoke was calling out to him.

“It seems my Master has something he wishes to discuss,” said Ren, Hux unable to see the expression on his face.

Hux was momentarily confused and about to question Ren on it before remembering that the master and apprentice could communicate with each other through the Force; at least to some extent.

“He wants to talk to in person on the Supremacy, so I’m afraid I’ll have to –”

Hux gave a small dismissive wave of his hand. “It can’t be helped,” he said, supressing his disappointment.

“Hux, I’m sorry.” Again, although Hux couldn’t currently see Ren’s face, and his voice was warped through his vocoder, Hux could tell how apologetic Ren was. And in spite of his earlier concerns of being caught by someone with Ren’s hand resting upon his head, Hux reached out and placed his palm on where Ren’s cheek would be had it not been concealed by his helmet.

“Don’t worry about me,” he told Ren. “You should go now. If Leader Snoke is calling you then you’ll have far more important things to attend to than merely escorting me back to my quarters.”

Ren shook his head, placing his hand over Hux’s. “This is more important to me, but I’m afraid I’ll still have to go.”

Hux wanted to chide Ren for saying so, hoping that Snoke never heard him say such a thing out loud. Nevertheless, Hux let it go, lowering his hand. “You should hurry. It best not to keep Leader Snoke waiting after all.”

Ren nodded. “Yes. You’re right. I’ll contact you as soon as I can.”

At that, Hux watched as Ren headed in the opposite direction before continuing making his way to his quarters.

In the end, Ren was called away on another mission for Snoke; one for which he was expected to depart for right away, straight from the Supremacy. Hux wasn’t privy to the details, but he imagined it to be Force related. That or something to do with the Jedi or the Sith. Although Ren had once told him before that neither he nor Snoke were Sith; not that Hux understood those sort of things particularly.

Hux supposed that neither of them should have really been surprised about Ren being sent away again so soon given Snoke’s ever increasing urgency to track down and eliminate both Skywalker and the scavenger girl. Hux on the other hand, was far more interested in locating the Resistance who he personally believed were a far greater threat to the First Order than one elderly man and a young girl, even if said girl had managed to best Ren in combat.

“I suggested sending one of my knights in my stead,” the small holographic image of Ren had told him as Hux had been sat at the desk in his quarters, the blueprints that had littered both it and the floor previously now complied in a neat pile atop it. “But my Master said it was something he could only entrust to me,” said Ren, sounding remorseful.

Hux doubted that Snoke would have taken too kindly to Ren’s proposal, no doubt seeing it as an act of defiance on the part of his apprentice. As such, he hoped that Ren hadn’t been punished for suggesting it given that it wasn’t uncommon for Snoke to lash out at either of them when he was in a particularly foul mood. However, depending on the nature or urgency of the mission, Ren hopefully had been left unscathed.

Nevertheless, despite his concern for Ren’s wellbeing, Hux found himself asking if Snoke had mentioned anything regarding either himself or the Finalizer, still worried of what Snoke would make of the General’s predicament if he discovered that he had spent the last several cycles confined to medbay instead of on the bridge carrying out his duties. 

Ren assured him however that Snoke hadn’t mentioned him at all, something of which Hux wasn’t sure if he was relieved to hear or not, fearing that after the destruction of Starkiller Base, as well as his continued failure to locate the Resistance, that Snoke may have lost faith in him. Nonetheless, before panic could properly set in, Hux found himself distracted by the worry radiating from Ren who blurted out another apology for leaving him. Hux, meanwhile, thought that Ren was being silly as it wasn’t as if Ren himself had any choice or say in the matter when it came to where Snoke sent him.

Regardless, Hux’s mood softened and witnessing his partner’s distress – it would definitely take him a while before he got properly used to thinking of Ren that way – Hux decided that it was his turn to reassure Ren, telling him that no, he didn’t think that the knight was somehow abandoning him and that there was no reason for him to be sorry. He did, however tell him in a sterner voice after Ren suggested it, that he absolutely did not want to, nor did he have any intention of going back to medbay other than to attend his check-up in a few cycles time with Doctor Kovna. Nevertheless, he did promise not to return to active duty for at least another cycle, even if it did mean that Canady would be in command of the bridge in the meantime, much to his dismay.

“Promise me that you’ll take care of yourself while I’m away,” said Ren, his command shuttle just on the edge of being out of transmission range.

Hux sighed. “Yes, yes. I promise that I’ll take care of myself.”

“Good, and I promise that I’ll return to the Finalizer as –” Ren paused and shook his head, “No, I promise I’ll return to _you_ as soon as I can.”

Hux snorted but smiled nonetheless. “I know you will. I wish you luck, Ren.”

While overall disappointed that Ren had to leave again so soon, Hux was thankful that in the very least they had parted on far better terms than the last time Ren had left for a mission. It also allowed Hux more time to reflect on things, particularly their relationship of which he had only just come to properly acknowledge. Although, he supposed that paled somewhat in comparison to his acceptance of the deeper of form of intimacy that existed between them, from Hux breaking down after attempting to push Ren away and Ren’s great upset when he had discovered what Hux had done to himself in his absence.

There were other little things as well, such as Ren telling him that he found him to be beautiful, something that caused Hux to flush in embarrassment just about every time he thought about it. There was also the strong implication from Ren’s words that all this time he had been holding back, not wanting to alarm Hux about the fact that he desired more. Hux was unsure of what exactly ‘more’ entailed, but it made him nervous nonetheless. He had gotten the impression that it didn’t involve anything overtly sexual, and yet somehow that actually worried him more.

It was difficult not to feel ashamed with himself over the fact that he found holding hands or having his cheek caressed or his hair stroked to be just as intimate – if not more so – than the actual act of having sex itself.

It was ridiculous of course, but alas, it was what it was.

A part of it, he could only assume was the result of until Ren having come along, sex had been almost transactional in nature with he and whoever he chose to sleep with simply using the act as a method to sate their urges. Not that he had engaged in a great deal of sexual activity previously and even less so when he swiftly catapulted through the ranks to that of General.

It was how things had originally started with Ren and himself, before it gradually developed into what they had now; which of course apparently was them being in relationship together.

It was the furthest Hux had ever gotten in terms of intimacy with another person. Never before had he had an actual partner and honestly he wasn’t quite sure what to do or expect from it. Ren, on the other hand, didn’t seem to have that problem, seeming to know perfectly well what he wanted both from Hux and from their relationship.

Truthfully, Hux wasn’t sure if that reassured him or not, fearing that Ren might want too much of him, or rather something that Hux was unable to give him.

But in the meantime, he would heed Ren’s words and focus on getting better. Although he couldn’t help but think that Ren’s version of him recovering and taking it easy was probably quite different from his own. He was rather positive that Ren would have him confined to bed, not wanting him to lift a finger and in turn trying to do everything for him as if Hux was a complete invalid and not merely recuperating from some minor ailment.

Perhaps in that regard, Hux was lucky that Snoke had chosen to send Ren off when he had. He would allow himself to admit however, that if he had been made to say in bed, it would have at least been pleasant to have Ren lying there on the mattress next to him, running his fingers through his hair.

Nevertheless, as nice as such thoughts were, as well as wanting to recover as quickly as possible, Hux still had his duties to attend to, feeling that he had been neglecting them for far too long as it was. While he had done what Ren had requested and stayed in his quarters for at least a cycle after being discharged from medbay, he had decided to make use of the time while there catching up on some on paperwork and skimming through reports that he had missed while incapacitated.

Hux sat his desk – which thankfully was back to its neat and orderly state – as he did so, happy to be out of bed. But after a short period he found himself forced to climb into his own bed, the fatigue eventually becoming too much. He supposed it wasn’t in medbay at least.

While he had intended continuing on at least reading on his datapad, before he even knew it, he had fallen asleep.

Despite continuing fatigue, Hux returned to the bridge the next day. Several officers, including Mitaka, were quick to welcome him back as he walked through the door. He was pleased to see that in quite a few of his subordinates appeared genuinely happy to see their commanding officer return. Canady, on the other hand, was not one of them, who while having also welcomed him back, had done it so stiffly that it sounded like it physically pained him. However, rather than be offended, Hux derived great amusement from Canady’s obvious displeasure.

Nevertheless, while pleased to be able to return to his duties, Hux was dismayed to discover returning to his duties was more difficult than he had anticipated, having had hoped that things would simply go back to the way they had been before the poor lapse in his judgement had caused him to stop eating properly and relying on stims. Now he found that he tired frustratingly easily, and although it was manageable and easy enough to conceal when in the confines of his office or quarters where he could at least sit down without anyone observing him, when he was commanding on the bridge or was needed elsewhere on the ship, it was inconvenient to say the least.

Often it resulted in him having to excuse himself. And while none of his officers would dare question any swift retreat he made – most of them likely assuming that their General simply had other important issues to attend to – Hux still couldn’t help but feel ashamed for even having to do so. It wasn’t like he was some elderly officer from the Imperial era who was way past his prime and could barely even stand anymore. Hux had no such excuse.

And while both Doctor Kovna and KC-37 had warned him not to overdo things and that he would likely tire more easily, it was no less disheartening to deal with.

Not being able to drink caf didn’t particularly help either. And while, he hadn’t stopped drinking it completely with Doctor Kovna having conceded that he could have at least two small cups a cycle, it was still significantly less than what he had been drinking previously. And that was even before he had become completely reliant on caf and stims. 

It was at moments when he felt that he was on the brink of exhaustion that Hux missed Ren the most, and not only because having his co-commander around would have likely eased his workload. It was odd knowing that he would have once been horrified at the thought of Ren seeing him in such a weakened state, now he yearned for the man’s presence, Ren being his sole comfort in this time, even if he had inadvertently been the reason Hux had ended up in such a state to begin with. Also with the extent of their relationship now clear to him, Hux missed Ren more than he ever had before, something of which when any sentimentality was pushed aside, he couldn’t see as being anything other than a huge inconvenience.

Yet another inconvenience he was forced to endure was having to return to his quarters at least once during his shift in order that KC-37 could deliver his meals to him, it having been advised that it was best for him to continue having his food be specially prepared so as to make sure that they contained all the proper nutrients that was required to aid in his recovery. While just like every other officer he was entitled to a break for either lunch or dinner depending on the shift pattern, Hux still found it a hassle having to return all the way to his quarters each time.

While he could quite as easily have the food delivered to his office instead, as KC-37 had already offered, the thought of any of his subordinates seeing him being chased after and attended to by a med-droid filled him with mild panic.

No. Discretion was definitely for the best. Not that he didn’t doubt that there were likely to be rumours floating around already in regard his stint in medbay.

“You are only human, General. You should not be so hard on yourself,” KC-37 had once told him after he had vented some of his frustrations to the med-droid while KC-37 had been checking his vitals. That of course was another reason why Hux thought it best to do all of this in quarters and not his office.

Hux had been surprised at the droid’s words, finding it slightly amusing in that KC-37 despite being able to treat numerous ailments in their human patients, had no real idea what it was like to actually be one; to have a body of flesh and blood. Then again, perhaps knowing how fragile humans really were gave KC-37 a deeper insight both into their capabilities and limitations.

Maybe it would be easier to be a droid, Hux had thought somewhat solemnly on more than one occasion. He wouldn’t have to worry about things like having to eat at least twice a day or about how much he should consume. Really it would be the exact opposite of his present situation. He also wouldn’t have to concern himself about ridiculous things such as anxiety over his appearance and gaining too much weight. Neither would he be left to deal with ridiculous feelings of longing and loneliness with his partner absent.

Yes, such issues played no part in the day-to-day lives of droids. They simply got on whatever tasks they were given. Perhaps best of all was the lack of needing to sleep, Hux only able to imagine the amount of extra work he could get done, of all he could accomplish if he didn’t require several hours rest each night. The Resistance would surely have been wiped out long ago.

Unfortunately there was the glaring issue in that if he was a droid, there was no way he could possibly ever rise to the position of Supreme Leader. He would be forced to carry out someone else’s will, having no true sense of autonomy and no way to escape. That alone would be completely unbearable.

He had also had to admit, there were a great deal of pleasures that also came with having an organic body that he would miss a great deal in spite of the numerous inconveniences that came with being of flesh and blood.

Despite feeling disgruntled with the present state of things, Hux couldn’t discount that KC-37 was probably right on what he had said, and Ren, if he had been here, would likely agree. Although how comfortable Ren would feel about agreeing with a droid he seemed to hate was another matter. But Hux imagined that on this particular issue, he would relent.

“Thank you,” Hux said in response to KC-37’s as he pulled his jacket back on.

“There is no need to thank me, General. I am only happy to help.”

Hux offered him a small smile. “Regardless, it is appreciated.” Hux wondered if the droid had ever been told such a thing before. If KC-37 had or not, they made no indication.

“Well, I suppose I should return to work now,” said Hux, aware that he had meeting scheduled in an hours or so’s time. In the meantime he could always get some –

“But General Hux, you have yet to touch your meal,” stated the med-droid as they approached Hux’s dining table, lifting the lid covering the plate off.

“Ah, yes. I’d forgotten about that,” replied Hux, not entirely truthful, “I’m not actually feeling overly hungry at the moment and I do have a lot of work to get through this cycle so perhaps just this once, I could skip eating. Missing a single meal won’t kill me after all.”

“I’m afraid I must protest, General,” said KC-37, somewhat sternly. “You have already made it clear that breakfast is not a meal you wish to partake in and so this will be your first real meal of the day. Given that by this time in cycle you have already been active for several hours, it is important that you replenish your energy reserves by consuming something substantial. This of course is made even more important that given when you depart, you will be immediately resuming your duties.”

While what KC-37 said made sense, it didn’t mean that Hux had to agree with or even like it. “Surely, a rations bar would suffice for now at least?” he said, unable to help but feel annoyance towards the droid despite telling them of his appreciation just moments ago.

He was a General. He shouldn’t need to bargain over something like this. It was degrading for someone of his rank. As it stood, he thought he could understand Ren’s frustration just a little bit better now. Unlike Ren however, he wasn’t planning on dismantling the med-droid over it.

“If I put this in the conservator just now, I can heat it up when I return and have it then. It would also mean you wouldn’t need to come back later on with another meal for me,” said Hux, standing up.

“Plus, nothing would go to waste,” he added, although admittedly he was unsure if something like food wastage mattered would at all matter to the med-droid, they probably being more concerned with their patient’s wellbeing than anything else.

“But General, Doctor Kovna said that you should attempt to eat at least two meals a day,” said KC-37, their voice now sounding rather hesitant compared to firm tone they had taken when lecturing him moments ago. Hux suspected that while they were under orders from Doctor Kovna and responsible for Hux’s health, they were at least aware that they didn’t actually possess the authority to order Hux to do anything he didn’t wish to, despite how accommodating Hux had been to them so far. “I’m not sure that it’s…”

Hux sighed, and unsure if he felt pity for the droid or if he just didn’t have the energy to protest, said “Fine. I suppose I can take it with me. I may not eat it right away but I promise that I will at least make the time to do so while I work.”

Fortunately, this seemed to satisfy the droid. “Whilst I believe that it would be best if you were to eat just now given that you require the sustenance, I am nonetheless amenable to your suggestion, General,” replied KC-37 before then adding, “I am aware that you have a very busy schedule and appreciate the concessions that you have made in order to accommodate me coming here.”

Hux wondered if this was KC-37’s way of saying thank you for them not having to return to medbay and explain to an irate Doctor Kovna that the General was refusing to follow the doctor’s advice.

“Yes, well, let’s hope that all of this will come to an end soon. I would much like to go back to eating what I please as well as not being forced to return here during the middle of my duties,” said Hux, repressing another sigh, unsure of how much more he could take of this.

“Don’t worry, General. It shouldn’t be for too much longer. I have definitely seen an improvement in your vitals. I’m sure that Doctor Kovna will be satisfied with your state of health soon enough.” That was something of a relief.

“And I trust that when you are properly discharged that Lord Ren will help you out when he returns from his mission. Despite his unwelcome intrusions in medbay while you there, he appeared to want to ensure that you were properly taken care of and your needs were met. As such, I can only imagine that Lord Ren will continue to look after you.”

Hux was completely taken aback by the droid bringing up Ren and his incessant need to take of him.

He narrowed his eyes towards the droid, glaring. “ _Excuse me_?”

KC-37 immediately appeared to realise that they had overstepped and had they been human, their body would have likely been completely tense. And while they weren’t incorrect with their assessment, Ren having made clear to him his strange desire to look after him, to have it acknowledged so flippantly was rather mortifying.

Hux supposed that he should at least be thankful that it was a droid and not one of his officers who had caughten on. Nevertheless, Hux wondered if maybe he should look into deleting KC-37’s memory banks.

“Oh, uh, yes, well, I suppose I should leave you to get on with your work then, General, shall I?” said the med-droid as they quickly packed up their equipment. “I hope that you enjoy your meal, sir. And I shall return later with your evening one.”

With their usual bow, KC-37 excused themselves once more and swiftly left.

Between that little interaction and the plate sitting atop the table before him, Hux couldn’t help but groan out loud.

Oh well, he supposed that in the end, there really was nothing for it, and going to the cupboard, he pulled out a small container in which he proceeded to scrape the contents of the plate into it. After doing so, he pulled on his greatcoat and placed the small container in one of his inner pockets. He certainly wasn’t going to be seen walking through the corridors of his own ship carrying a plate in his hand after all. Not that he really needed to bring it with him. Instead he could have just left it the conservator for later as he had previously suggested to KC-37. The droid would certainly be none the wiser.

But somehow that would be like conceding defeat. Mainly this was because he hoped to be mostly better by the time Ren returned, despite how unrealistic that probably was. Then again, he had no idea how long Ren would actually be way. Still, he never was willing to back down from a challenge, and so with container of food tucked away in his greatcoat, his datapad in his hand, Hux left his quarters and headed towards his office where he could eat his meal in private while getting some work done at the same time.

It was several days later when one of his officers came into his office and announced to him that Ren’s shuttle had made contact with the Finalizer and would be docking shortly. Hux ordered them to inform Lord Ren to come to his office to be debriefed as soon as he was aboard. Perhaps, his quarters would have been a more appropriate meeting place to greet Ren but he was still on-duty and intended on continuing to work until the end of his shift.

As he waited, Hux’s heart began to race in his chest, filled with both anxiety and a strange sort of excitement. He had never felt this way whenever Ren returned before, at least not to this extent. As such, Hux could only put it down to the shift in their relationship.

His anxiety mainly came down to the fact that he wasn’t entirely sure what he should do when Ren walked through the door. Given what had happened the previous time Ren had returned from a mission, Hux wished to greet him more warmly. But how to do that exactly, he wasn’t entirely sure, and he for certain didn’t plan on rushing over to Ren and throwing his arms around him or anything like that.

Should he simply stand up, welcome him back and congratulate him on what was sure to have been a successful mission?

No, that would be far too formal.

Now Hux found himself trying to remember how he had actually greeted Ren before whenever he returned. Even after they had started sleeping together, there had still been a shield of professionalism and disconnect between; at least when they were out with Hux’s quarters. But after everything, would that still stand? Again, all this was far more than anything Hux was used to.

He didn’t get the chance to spend much more time worrying however as before he knew it, the door to his office swished opened to reveal Ren. Hux had never given him the access code to his office, but somehow Ren seemed to know it. In the past he would have immediately changed it upon knowing that Ren could just waltz in, but now it didn’t seem to matter.

Ren paused when he got inside, stopping to remove his helmet. Hux felt his heart skip a beat when he saw his face. No matter what, Ren somehow always managed to look handsome.

Hux quickly got to his feet.

“Ah, Ren, welcome back,” he said, hating the hesitancy in his voice, “Your mission was successful then, I presume?”

Inwardly Hux cringed at his words. So much for not behaving overly formal.

Ren didn’t reply, instead stalking towards Hux’s desk. He placed his helmet on top of it while Hux pushed in his chair and slowly began to approach him.

“Ren?” prompted Hux, confused by Ren’s lack of response.

Had something happened while Ren was away? Had his feelings towards him changed; perhaps deciding that Hux wasn’t worth all the hassle he had put him through after all?

Hux’s panicked thoughts were soon put to rest as Ren after turning to face him, wrapped his arms around him pulling Hux into a tight embrace.

“R-Ren!” Hux let out a small yelp of surprise which in any other circumstance he would be utterly embarrassed about.

“I…” Hux stood there awkwardly, unsure quite what to do. While it wasn’t unusual for Ren to reach out and grab and kiss him, something which was generally followed by Hux having his back pressed up against the wall, Ren had never embraced him like this before. This was new territory indeed. 

“I missed you,” Ren said finally, and hearing words, Hux began to feel himself untense slightly. And quickly realising that he should probably return the hug, his arms until that point hanging limply at his side, he raised them to wrap around Ren’s upper back, or at least what he could manage. While he was always aware of Ren’s size, Ren embracing him like this reminded Hux of how large he was, making the embrace feel all encompassing.

Not that that was a bad thing of course. In fact, if Hux was honest, he actually really enjoyed the feeling.

“I missed you too, Ren,” admitted Hux, letting his head rest against the crook of Ren’s shoulder, “And I…I’m glad that you’re back.”

Ren hugged him even tighter, enough to momentarily take the breath out of him. But Hux didn’t mind. It was nice to held like this. He never had been before.

After what felt like several minutes, Ren shuffled back slightly before leaning forward and kissing him on the lips. It seemed so long since Ren had last kissed him there but as kisses usually went between them, it was rather chaste, leading Hux to wonder if Ren was perhaps trying not to overwhelm him. Although, really if he was going to be overwhelmed by something, it would be from Ren suddenly hugging him like that rather than from kissing him.

Regardless of the nature of the kiss, Ren still had his arms around Hux and hadn’t made any indication that he intended on letting go of him anytime soon, almost as if he wanted to remain as close to him for as long as possible. Either way, Hux certainly wasn’t complaining, enjoying the prolonged contact after what seemed so long.

“Have you been doing alright while I was away?” Ren asked eventually, “Have you been managing to –”

“Eat alright?” Hux supplied before Ren could finish. “Yes. No need to worry about that. As bothersome as it has been, I’ve been having two meals a day,” he added, hoping to assuage Ren’s concerns about his health as quickly as possible.

“That’s great, Hux,” said Ren, both looking and sounding as if he were truly proud of him. Knowing Ren he probably was. Hux in the meantime found himself residing somewhere between shame – he was a grown man after all, eating wasn’t something he should be praised for. It was humiliating! – and joy, happy that Ren was pleased with him.

Either way it was rather embarrassing.

“With KC-37 constantly badgering me, there was no way I could possibly avoid eating that much,” Hux bemoaned.

It had been a cycle ago when he had his final check-up with Doctor Kovna, that the doctor told him that as his vitals no longer needed to be continuously monitored and provided he continue eating well, Hux could opt out of having KC-37 continuing to deliver meals for him if he so chose.

While mostly relieved by this, Hux also couldn’t help but feel a small stab of sadness. As frustrating and inconvenient as it had been, especially having to return all the way back to his quarters halfway through his shift, he had grown somewhat fond of the droid. Although the less sentimental part of him preferred to think that KC-37 showing up to take his vitals and deliver his meals had merely became part of his routine. 

Nevertheless, before he left medbay – something of which he hoped he wouldn’t need to see the inside of again for a very long time – he sought the med-droid out to say goodbye and thank them for their help.

While KC-37 congratulated him on his improved health, Hux thought the droid seemed disappointed about no longer needing to attend to him, making Hux wonder if med-droids simply got attached to their patients, or if it was that KC-37 was generally going to miss him. A small part of Hux, and something he would never ever admit aloud, hoped that it was the latter.

Then again, given that Ren might have encountered the droid if he showed up at his quarters when KC-37 was delivering his meals, it was probably best that Hux wasn’t relying on specially made meals anymore.

“Hmm. So it turns out that annoying droid is actually good for something after all,” said Ren, before giving a small chuckle.

“What?” Hux asked curiously.

“Nothing. It’s just that the thought of the great General Hux taking orders from a droid is rather amusing.”

“It was Doctor Kovna’s _advice_ I was following. I do not take orders from anyone barring Leader Snoke,” Hux retorted, unimpressed.

“Of course not,” said Ren, teasingly.

Hux frowned but brightened when he decided he would have some fun at Ren’s expense. “But yes, I suppose I did listen to KC-37 recommendations as well. In the end, I believe we developed quite a good rapport.”

Now it was Ren’s turn to frown. “Oh?”

“Yes, well, KC-37 did drop by my quarters to bring me my meals twice a cycle, so I suppose it’s only natural,” Hux continued, “It turns out that they’re quite a good listener and decent enough company at that.”

Expecting Ren to grumble and get annoyed, instead the knight dropped his arms and took a small step back.

“Ren?”

“I’m sorry,” answered, Ren. “I should have been here with you. Instead you had to go through all of this by yourself.”

Ren was looking at him with such regret, that Hux immediately felt guilty. He had only hoped to tease Ren a little bit, not make him feel bad. He supposed he should have known better given the remorse Ren had demonstrated before.

“I was absolutely fine while you were away, Ren, I assure you,” said Hux, hoping to make him feel better, “And I’m doing much better now.”

Ren gritted his teeth, his fists clenched by his sides. “That doesn’t matter. I wasn’t here when you needed me. _Again_.”

Hux sighed. “Ren, you’re being ridiculous. It couldn’t be helped. Leader Snoke sent you off on what was no doubt a very important mission on behalf of the Order. That’s the most important thing.”

“Not to me it isn’t.” Hux was taken aback. If everything that had occurred these past few weeks had actually been manufactured specifically by Ren to catch him off guard then the knight was doing a remarkable job.

It was also the second time Ren had indicated that he apparently valued Hux’s wellbeing above carrying out the orders given to him by his master. As things stood, Hux was still unsure whether to be flattered or to chastise him. The needs of the Order should always come first after all.

Regardless, it was hard not to feel somewhat touched by the sentiment and reaching out, Hux placed his hand against Ren’s cheek, thankfully this time there being no helmet to get in the way. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters,” Hux told him gently, able to feel Ren practically melt into his touch. It truly amazed Hux to know that he had this kind of effect on someone so incredibly powerful.

“I suppose,” replied Ren, sulkily, “I still wanted to be here for you, though.” Hux wondered if it was worry for Hux’s wellbeing or Ren’s bizarre desire to tend to him that had him so disappointed. More than likely it was both.

At that Hux found himself flushing as he remembered KC-37 comment about Ren taking care of him. Again, the fact that even the med-droid seemed to gleam it from observing his and Ren’s interactions together in medbay was rather humiliating.

“Are you alright?” asked Ren, no doubt noticing the bright colouring of his cheeks.

“Oh, uh, yes. I’m quite fine,” Hux replied quickly, and dropping his hand from Ren’s he took a step back, finding himself rather overwhelmed.

Ren, meanwhile, still appeared dejected, like some pouty child who had just had their favourite toy taken away from them. Hux found it unbearable, desperately wanting to change this.

“Well, if you really want to make it up to me, then maybe you would join me in my quarters later this evening for some dinner?” he suggested, Ren having mentioned previously before that the two of them eating together was something he valued greatly, “You can tell me about your mission, and we can, well, catch up too I suppose.”

Now that Hux thought about it, it was the first time he had ever really invited Ren to his quarters for dinner, in the past it having always been Ren who enquired about it. Either that or he would simply show up to Hux’s quarters uninvited, food already ordered and its way.

“Sure!” Ren’s face immediately lit up. “I mean, that, uh, sounds good.”

Hux felt his heart skip a beat. Quickly he cleared his throat. “Ah, well, I have a meeting to attend to shortly so I need to finish preparing for it.”

“I find it hard to believe you aren’t prepared already considering that it’s you, but alright then. I’ll see you later, General,” replied Ren before leaning in and kissing Hux tenderly on the forehead. If his face had been flushed earlier, by now it was vivid red. “I look forward to tonight.”

Hux simply nodded, feeling ridiculously flustered. Ren, no doubt aware of his flustered state, chuckled softly as he put his helmet back on for venturing back out into the Finalizer’s corridors. It gave Hux a small thrill to know that other than Snoke and perhaps Ren’s knights, that only he got to see Ren without his helmet. It made him feel privileged almost. And while his rank of General technically already made him feel that way, this was a far more intimate kind. Hux supposed that special would be the most apt word for it.

After watching Ren leave, Hux flopped down onto his chair, needing a moment to compose himself before he set out. Both because he was sure his face was still flushed and going into a meeting looking like that was out of the question, and because he had just invited Ren to dinner, which may or may not have been a good idea given that as much as Ren being away had provided him extra time to think about their relationship and what Ren desired from him, when it came to actually have to deal with it was incredibly nerve-wracking.

Still, the invitation had made Ren happy and Hux thought that perhaps that alone made it worth it.

Regardless, there was no time to be thinking about it just now, and so standing up Hux picked up his datapad from his desk and headed off to his meeting. And if his mind just happened to wander off slightly throughout as he thought about the crooked smile of the handsome dark-haired knight who seemingly cared for him a great deal, well, Hux would just have to try harder to make sure that it didn’t happen again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the last I promise! I wanted to focus a bit on Hux's recovery and it ended up a bit longer than intended. Sorry once again!
> 
> Thanks very much to everyone who is still reading this. It is greatly appreciated. :)
> 
> Feel free to hit me up on [tumblr](https://yanyangire.tumblr.com) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/yangiretrash).


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